Thursday, December 17, 2009

Just some thoughts

You know what i've learned lately? Life is hard. period. Although i feel singled out by this phenomenon a majority of the time, somewhere deep inside my head i know that everyone feels this way about their life too. Okay maybe not that deep inside of my head. Regardless, one of the great things about "the hard life" is that its sprinkled with hundreds upon thousands of really great genuine warm fuzzy moments. Which is how i guess we all keep trudging on despite our load. That being said, i'd like to publicly announce that (A) I am sad and slightly annoyed that i'm not able to go home for christmas, and (B) that i am going to start a book-writing adventure. I don't think i'm a good enough writer honestly to push out an entire book, nor do i know exactly what it would be about or look like. But i'm just gonna start writing and see what happens. I've always felt that i would write something one day that would help someone else....and besides, all of those weird and exciting-yet-sometimes-life-threatening experiences that i seem to attract should be good for something right?
Not to totally bore everyone, but something else that's really been on my mind lately is people. Maybe its the holidays talking, but i've really been missing people lately. Everyone that i've loved and lost throughout my life, which turns out to be quite the number actually. I'm aware of the whole "people come and go" adage but that doesn't mean i have to be a fan of it. As i look back all the way to childhood it seems that no matter how much i try to love people they flee from me as if i had a plague. Slightly an exaggeration but you get my drift. It makes for a lonely jilly. Don't get me wrong, I have some incredible friends and family that i just love and adore and for some reason love me back. I just miss people from my past sometimes, thats all. I guess its true what they say....its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all....right? If i'm a true follower of Christ then this must be true.....happy holidays!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Short Update

i would do a longer one, but honestly i'm just too tired. Getting 4 hours of sleep or less a night is starting to wear me down, so needless to say i'm VERY excited that this is my last week of school. I can't even begin to tell you what the prospect of a normal amount of sleep means to me. All of you moms that wake up many times in the night understand i'm sure. AND i don't even have kids to then entertain/take care of all day so i can't really complain. I basically just stopped by to say that I know my Heavenly Father loves me. I was given several tender mercies this week that meant alot to me....very swift answers to prayer. I'm sure He saw my discouragement and decided to give me a pick-me-up to remind me that He's aware of me and that i am indeed where i'm supposed to be, even though some days it just seems too hard. It was a great way to experience thanksgiving week :)

Monday, November 16, 2009

I'm Alive!!!

Yes, its true. I barely made it through last week, but i am indeed breathing (thankfully) and still kickin'. I woke up last sunday feeling very tired and lethargic in general. This isn't entirely abnormal for me because of my weird schedule and chronic lack of sleep. But after being awake for about two hours i suddenly started developing a very deep chest cough. By that night i was beginning to get the whole body ache/chills thing going on. My first thoughts were either pneumonia or swine flu. Because i'm "high risk" due to my asthma and the fact that i just don't have time to be on my death bed, i went straight to the doctor on monday morning. Good news = no swine flu or pneumonia (the doc used the word "yet" with pneumonia, which was somewhat disconcerting). Bad news = i couldn't breathe and had a pretty nasty rhinovirus (what causes the common cold). My asthma was out of control, so for the first time in years i acquired an inhaler to open my lungs. By friday most of the cold was gone (except for sinus issues) and i wasn't coughing nearly as much but i still couldn't breathe...and EVERYTHING tired me out. I was really concerned because my lungs wouldn't expand which found me back at the doctors. highlight of the day = the nurse taking me for a walk around the practice several times so we could determine if i was losing oxygen when in motion. Other patients kept looking at us weird as we kept circling (walking very fast) back through the lobby. I cracked a few jokes about walking patients instead of dogs, my squeeky shoes, etc. And then found that not only was i not losing oxygen, but, and i quote," your lungs sound great and look perfect". So why can't i breathe? apparently my lungs are not a fan of the dry, higher altitude air and poor air quality that gets trapped in the salt lake valley here during the winter. excellent. first the skin, now the lungs. East coast anyone? I will say, however, that i am feeling much better despite my still feeling tired. Not that any of you needed all these details but honestly its my blog so i'll write what i want while i'm bored at school :). In other news, i went to my new ward yesterday for church and LOVED it. Definitely where i'm supposed to be and can't wait to just jump into activities and make some friends. Okay i'm done.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


I know its not yet thanksgiving (afterall, we have to get through halloween first) but i am so thankful for so many things. These past 8 weeks of my time in Utah have been both very trying and exciting. I'm first and foremost thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows exactly the experiences i need for growth, and a loving Savior for giving me comfort in uncertain circumstances. I'm thankful for my cousin Sara and her husband Shawn for letting me stay with them for 6 weeks (longer than expected) while i tried to get things together. I'm thankful that my brother Joseph and his wonderful wife Katie (lets not forget one of the coolest kids i know...Claire) live only 40 miles away and that i get to see them almost every weekend. I'm also grateful that they let me stay with them for a few nights while i did the whole "homeless" thing. I'm grateful for the experience of sleeping in my car for about 4 days because my school's financial aid office was being soooooo slow. Yes i'm grateful for that. Don't worry, i didn't sleep in my car overnight because i work during the night most of the time. i did, however, sleep in my school's parking garage during the day. That week, on the nights that i didn't have to work, i slept in provo at joseph's house. It taught me that no matter what, i am willing to do what it takes to be here where i feel the Lord wants me. And that he will sustain me and protect me even when it looks bleak. I'm grateful for my new place, which i love, and my new roommate. We are kind of instantly comfortable with each other and can hang out like we've been friends for years. The house is very cute in a great neighborhood, and pretty close to both school and work. I'm grateful for my job even though it drives me crazy sometimes, doesn't necessarily give me enough hours and has me on a weird sleep schedule with school. I know that in these times it is hard to come by a job, so i'm glad i have one that will allow me to work around my classes. And i'm sooooo thankful for my wonderful school. I'm learning so much about business and life, especially as it applies to the gospel. My own personal and professional goals are shifting to something much bigger and more open than i ever thought possible. The world is full of opportunities, and i intend to not only take them, but help others see them and grab ahold of their dreams as well. I'm grateful for the opportunity that i have to struggle financially, to have to really decide for the first time in my life whether i'm going to pay tithing or that bill that needs to be paid because i don't have enough money for both. It really has me take a look at what i believe, tests my faith and allows my testimony to grow exponentially. And lastly, but most certainly not least, i'm grateful that i live so close to so many temples. I love love love that place. I want you all to know that while its hard, i'm doing well. The Lord will take care of me, for He has promised me that as long as i'm in the service of His kingdom, i will have sufficient of this world's means. I just hope that I'm sensitive enough to the Spirit to walk the paths He would have me take and find the open doors.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


I apologize for the long absence from posting....i've just been seriously busy. I've been working two jobs (one usually all night from 8 or 10pm til 4 or 6 am, sometimes 7 am depending on the day....and the second job is 4am til 7am mon-thurs) and going to school full time in the day. Last week i logged 60 hours of work and about 20 of school....needless to say i'm pretty tired. My schedule hasn't allowed much time for sleep, sometimes going a 48 hour stretch with only about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I have turned in a two week notice for my second, smaller job due to the fact that i just can't physically take it. Its been a hard several weeks on this schedule....because of sleep deprivation my panic attacks are way up and more intense, i've developed a stutter (its kind of funny but really not...if it weren't for the lack of sleep thing i would be really worried about something more serious) and i don't feel like i have great control over my body (i'm noticing as i'm trying to type and my fingers just won't cooperate). My schedule should calm down a little with the quitting of the second job though. I'm excited to say i get this friday off!!!! i haven't had a day off in about 10 days so it is much needed. I am glad to report that my grades are great through all of this...hopefully i can keep it up. Despite all of the busy-ness, i'm so grateful that i've found a job that will allow me to make enough to support myself while in school. While i know everyone is worried about me (i'm kinda worried too right now because i feel really weird), I want you to know that i'm going to be okay. I know that i'm walking through the doors that Heavenly Father wants me to, even if they are hard. It is all for a purpose, leading me toward the doors that still stand open and waiting. I'm working hard and learning so much. I love you all!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dog Tired

haha, get it? Anyway, there are several thoughts i have that i really want to post and share with all of you, but i'm just too tired. Dog tired.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Life Lessons from a Homeless Woman

Today I was driving along in downtown SLC and while stopped at a light noticed a woman to my right on the sidewalk. She was clearly a fairly aged woman, and by the looks of her clothes and slightly starved appearance I assumed she was homeless...(for those of you not familiar with SLC, I have noticed while going to and from school that the parks are filled with homeless souls sleeping on benches and at the foot of trees). What struck me was that she was wearing an old set of headphones and literally dancing her way down the sidewalk. Now the first instinct when seeing a scene like this is to laugh. But I couldn't help but was a woman who probably had it pretty rough, more so than i ever have or can even imagine. And yet, she was finding joy in the moment. She was clearly enjoying the music and letting it move her, seemingly unaware or uncaring to who might be watching or poking fun. Maybe if we found more joy in our present moments, we would experience life to its fullest...the way I'm sure our Heavenly Father would like us to. We would instantly be filled with more gratitude because we would truly see the hand of God in our lives, grateful for what we have instead of worried about what we don't.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Earlier today as I took a drug test I had an epiphany. You know what i realized? We girls got the shaft. How so you may ask? Well, first of all a guy can throw on a pair of nice sweatpants, a tshirt and a backwards hat and be acceptable anywhere. If we wear that, people question our personal hygiene. Secondly, we can't just relieve ourselves of bodily fluids anywhere we please. We always have to find the *yuck* porta-johns or find a gas station every two hours on a road trip. Inconvenience. And lastly, taking drug tests just isn't fun or easy. You girls know what i'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I love being a girl (3 out of 4 weeks a month) but i'm just sayin. While i'm on a rant, let me also tell you a pet peave of mine. When people who have two perfectly good legs and no physical limitations wait 10 minutes for an elevator to go up or down one floor. They slow up the rest of us who have to go up 8. Just sayin.

Monday, September 14, 2009


What do you think of when you see/hear the phrase "Life Out Loud"? I'm asking for opinions and insights here, i'll tell you why later. Reply on here or email me, either way. Thanks!


Sunday, September 13, 2009

You gotta watch out for these...

So today i was looking around online for people who need roommates, and i came upon this ad on craigslist. I seriously laughed for about ten minutes while Sara looked at me like i was nuts (pun intended). My guess is that they had some people come by to look at the room but then ran when they heard this part, so they just decided to say it right up front. Enjoy:

Hey! Glad you took a look! I am living with my dad here in murry, and we are looking for a third to come live with us in our openminded family. The room is a nice, two window, spacious closet, with wood flooring. Our house is a three bedroom home with a decent size kitchen, family room, a dining room (which my dad uses as an office) and a open fromt room. We also have a hot tub that we use freaquently, and you would be more then welcome to join us. The 200 is a flat rate that includes utilies, internet, and we do have a big screen tv with cable.

Sense we are offering a very cheap room we are looking for someone that would fit nicely into our situation. We are both slight nudists, where we will both walk around naked, and use the hot tub in the nude. I only stress this because we need someone who would not mind this, and would feel comfortable in joining us. THERE IS NO SEXUAL ANYTHING BY DOING THAT!!!!!!! lol my dad and i are both sexual beings and we are open in our sexuality. We both bring home people and do not mind if you do. We are both very opinionated, yet extreamly openminded people. That being said we are looking for someone that is open minded (out of the mormon bubble perferably), non judgemental, and would be comfortable in our living situation. We are also looking for someone who we can trust, leave the house to and such.

I would be more then willing to show you the house and get to know you a little bit to see if you are the one we are looking for! Please email me and we will get in touch! Please put Hot Tub in title so i know that you are real! :D Come join us in the hot tub, it feels dang good!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Meditation Moment

I've been thinking about two statements i heard/read today. The first one i heard on the radio on my way to school this morning. It was advice given to a woman by another caller but it really hit home to me....."Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle." The other one i stumbled upon while filling out job applications..."The best time to push on is when you reach the place where the average person gives up." We hear quotes like this all the time, but these have really taken up residence in my thoughts today. How often have i pushed myself to what i thought was my limit, and then given up? What could have happened if i had hung in there for that 5 more minutes? A miracle? maybe. I'm clear that I don't want to quit, I don't want to give up and think it is enough. Because i have a sneaking suspicion that the extra 5 minutes is well worth it. Besides, i've never had the desire to be average anyway. I don't want a life of complacency, blind to opportunity and adventure and joy. I don't want to float through life just doing enough to get by. I want to learn, grow and explore my limits. I want to push myself to that point where i really want to give up, and then push a little more. I want a life of spiritual enlightenment and soulful fullfillment. Possible? just maybe.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

This is the Place

I really want to write about my fun trip out west with my sister, all the classes that i'm taking, etc....but the truth is, none of that seems to flow from my fingertips right now. What keeps spinning in my mind is something my fundamentals of entrepeneurship professor said today. I've really been dealing with alot of stress these past few weeks, and especially the past few days. There is so much uncertainty in my world and i'll be the first to say that i don't really care for it. However, as i have started class this week in an environment where the Spirit is sought after first and education second (I really really love LDS business college and their learning model, more on that later) i've been able to get a dose of perspective. When asked by a student his personal thoughts on the "fail your way to success" phenomenon often talked about by successful entrepeneurs, my professor said this, something i feel was inspired..."Failure is an excellent teacher because it hurts SO much. Success teaches you nothing." He followed up by saying that of course we don't seek after failure, but that instead of allowing ourselves to be discouraged we should do what the prophet Joseph did when seeking out the true gospel..."Observe, Analyze and Act." As he continued talking, he began to tell the story about the widow and her cruse of oil found in 1 Kings 17. Here was a woman who had tremendous faith, and no doubt prayed for months and possibly years during the famine for reprieve. Yet she was taken to the very edge, until she knew she had one meal left before death, and only then did the blessing come by way of a prophet asking for what remaining food she had. She gave, and was richly, even miraculously blessed in a way she couldn't have possibly forseen. As he spoke about this, i knew that that message was for me. While i feel like i am emotionally on the edge, i know that in reality i'm not even close. I could bear more (not that i'm asking for that). What i am going through is necessary for my growth so that i might do everything i possibly can to make things work. Only then will i receive the blessings i seek. It has been in this moment (and several others) that i knew that this is truly the place....the place the Lord would have me be for this period of time. I have already seen great blessings in the sister coming with me on the long drive out west, a wonderful cousin out here that is giving me a roof over my head while i find a place (thank you sara and shawn, you have no idea how much that means to me...i promise to make it up to you one day), and being enrolled in a school that bases their education on scripture and inspiration...a place where we talk openly about the gospel every day and invite the spirit into each class. Truly amazing.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Westward Ho!

Nausea. That seems to be my constant companion these days. Why you ask? Because it seems that my excitement for moving out west has taken a cold, hard turn towards the awareness that this is really happening. Tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, i'm still REALLY excited. Thing is, there is so much uncertainty and i have no idea how everything is going to work out. Sure, people move out west all the time. So what makes this different? oh, maybe the fact that i have no place to live and no job and bills requiring resources that i just don't have. I have a hard time even wrapping my mind around it. It seems so careless, so irresponsible. Except for one thing....the Lord told me to go. No doubt about it, Salt Lake is where i'm supposed to be. But it doesn't make it easy, and i know that that is the point. Amidst my doubts and fears, there is also hope and faith. They are opposites and yet existing together in my mind and heart. Its not exactly what i would call a good feeling having that war going on inside of me. I guess its the feeling of sensing that something really big, something life-altering is about to happen for me and i have no idea what it looks like. I realize that it may not be anything big that anyone else notices, but it will be big for me. There is still that little girl inside of me that was afraid to leave home for sleepovers because i only felt safe overnight with my parents. Sure i've moved to Boone, DC and Maryland...but this seems different. I do, however, know that the Lord has great things in store for me and i am ready to go find out what exactly that is. Even i have to be homeless for a little while. So, for the first time ever i bid the east coast adieu in search of new adventures. Don't worry, i'll be visit at least. Westward ho!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Guinea Pigs, Pancakes, And Why I Hate Nike

This is a story i came across in a book my grandmother gave me for my birthday (thanks grandma, i love it!). I thought it was such a true reflection of how women are constantly bombarded by the media and made to think we just aren't good enough unless we are this, that and the other. I hope you enjoy it as much as i did. It's written by a woman named Ame Stargensky from California:

“What do you call a spelling bee, tennis practice, a soccer fund-raiser, one dentist appointment, two sick guinea pigs, a three o’clock board meeting, and a full-time job? In my house that’s referred to as Tuesday.
Being a single mom requires stamina, patience, and the power to reshape time itself.But, alas, it’s no longer enough to be Super Mom. Every magazine cover now insists that we have firm abs, a sort of Supermodel Super Mom. On the upside, I still have the body I had at 20. On the downside, it wasn’t so swell then either. In spite of my success as a mother, sister, daughter, friend, producer, writer, and school volunteer, there are three words that really bug me: “Just Do It.”
I’ll never forget the first time I saw that clearly over-caffeinated Nike commercial. It caught me off guard. I was in the middle of weeping on my sofa, having just survived a slumber party with nine little girls. They had managed to stop giggling by 2:00 a.m., and yet clamored for pancakes by six. Covered in flour, with inky circles under my eyes, I resembled something that had fallen off the back of a bakery truck.
And then there it was on the television screen: a parade of women, certainly my age, gritty determination plastered all over their perfect bodies. As they ran…over rocks, up mountains, across rivers…the sweatier and more alluring they became. Here was the kind of woman who might, in fact, be a mother, but who wouldn’t know a carpool unless she could swim a hundred laps across it.
Then came the Nike logo and that booming voiceover: “Just Do It!”
I finished my doughnut, turned off the TV, and thought to myself, Doing It is one thing, but must I Do It uphill, too?
Why did I continue to care about this slogan so much? Because, frankly, I have no time to Do It, and the older I get, the less I want to anyway. Besides, it was always my understanding that Demi Moore looks the way she does so I don’t have to. Sure, I have friends who rise with the sun to swim and run and cycle their way into tight jeans and jiggle-free miniskirts. I’ve tried, but I will never be one of them. I can’t seem to carve out the time or my glutes. I have no hand-eye coordination, limited agility, and most important, a huge genetic disadvantage: Jews don’t make the best athletes.
First of all, “Air Abramowitz” would never work on a sneaker. Secondly, we’re not movers- athletically speaking. We tend to excel at wandering. In fact, if wandering were an Olympic event, you might see more Jews in sports. But you don’t. Sure, we made a mad dash out of Egypt for the Promised Land, but the truth is, we were hoping the promise included a food court.
Frankly, I’d like to be less soccer mom and more hot soccer mamma, so I joined a gym. I’ve never actually gone, mind you, but I still love telling people that I belong to one. It gives the illusion of Just Doing It with less risk of injury. I wish I felt guilty about not carving out my own hard body, but I don’t have the time. Instead, I am thrilled by my full life if not my fuller dimensions. Yes, my abs are more washing machine than washboard, and I’ve got cleavage that’s large enough to be French braided, but I’ve finally decided that my magazine cover will just have to say, “Delicious!” If I’m going to take a big bite out of my life, then it’s sure as hell going to include dessert. I guess that makes me more of a Super-Soft Super Mom. I don’t look so good in the cape, but my daughter tells me I make a great pillow.
The more I think about Just Doing It, the more I realize I’m doing it all every day. So what do you call back-to-back meetings, Brownies, company for dinner, trumpet practice, guitar lessons, fall soccer, a new bunny rabbit, laundry mountain, two book reports, and a Margarita Night out with the girls? At my house we call that Just Doing Fine.”

Sunday, August 23, 2009


So, lets just suffice it to say i've got alot going on in my world. Trust me, i'll write about that, but right now i just need to vent. I'm really really sick of people stealing things from me. seriously. What, may you ask, is it this time? I had a cup full of change in my just-in-case stash. It was out of site unless you were in the car, and i had been meaning to bring it in. It had about $40 dollars of change, maybe $50. I'm pretty routine about locking my car no matter where i am because i'm paranoid about this kind of thing...but tonight, well...lets just say the one time i forget (mind you in front of my house) something gets taken. Straight up theived. I had come home and it was there, went inside for about an hour, came back out to go pick up my brother and poof it was gone. Its not really so much about the money (although it should be because i'm broke) but i just have a lot of emotional charge on things being stolen from me. It literally makes me tired. I will say it was very cute how Jacob vowed to find out who took it. He even walked around the neighborhood (at midnight) looking for the kids he thinks may have done it. As i'm calming down and processing, i realize i can choose how i want to view this. I can be mad at the unfairness and say "can't i just catch a break?" (which i did say for like the first 10 minutes, its true). Or i can think that maybe whoever took it needed it more than i did. But what i really think is this.....lately i have been receiving A LOT of spiritual growth and understanding. I have also received many great and wonderful blessings that i'm sure i'm unworthy of. So maybe...just maybe...this is that great deceiver himself, trying to tear me down and cause me to be miserable where i have been experiencing much joy (and stress, but lots of joy). And maybe...just maybe...Heavenly Father allowed it to happen to see how i would react. Would i murmur like Laman and Lemuel and even Lehi when things didn't go my way? Or would i see it for what it is, let it roll off my back, and be grateful that something worse was kept at bay (such as having my car stolen. to be honest, i'm not 100 % sure i would make it through that one again... but come what may). While i feel like i'm choosing to see the bigger picture, i must admit shame that my reaction time was slower than what i would have liked. But i am progressing, though i am a spiritual infant and have much to learn, and am grateful for the experiences that test my faith. Even though it is not by any means fun, i know that it is totally worth it in the grand scheme of things. How grateful i am for a Heavenly Father who is wise beyond measure, who sees things i don't and places exactly what i need in my path so that i may one day become who He knows i can be. Goodnight.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

So this is what REALLY goes on in the MTC huh?

okay, this is pretty freakin hilarious. I stumbled across it on youtube. Apparently he spent several P-days putting this together....i'm not really sure this is how p-days are supposed to be spent. enjoy a laugh...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Spiritual Thoughts

Today i was skimming through my Book of Mormon and settled upon a favorite scripture of mine and thought i would share some of my feelings about this special verse:

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi 31:20)

This scripture means so much to me. Years ago in a dark time for me, this scripture gave me hope. It gave me desire. Those years ago, while i was searching my soul and asking the Lord for guidance and strength, I came upon this verse of scripture. The whole 31st chapter seemed to leap right off of the page. It seemed at that time that verse 20 was written just for me. Since that time, this scripture has continued to be a source of strength as it reminds me what i must do to gain my goal: eternal life. I know i must press forward even in the toughest of times, for i will be blessed eternally. I must love others as myself and love the Lord above all else. I will feast on the words of Christ, by studying and pondering the scriptures, listening to and obeying the prophet, and listening to and recognizing the Holy Ghost as he speaks to me. If i do these things and endure to the end by living as God wants me to live, I am promised eternal life. What a wonderful promise!!! That promise gives me that brightness of hope. I will daily strive to better myself to become more like Him. I know, by everything within me, that if i do these things i will live in His presence again.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


Here is some food for thought for all the passionate people that i know and love...

"what is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person....In passion, the body and the spirit seek expression...The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so."

~John Boorman, Film Director

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Meditation Moment

We humans are such strange and interesting creatures aren't we? I am often baffled by the emotional rollercoaster that characterizes our lives, or more specifically mine. We crave love, fulfillment, joy and success and yet as we begin down our path towards greatness we purposefully (albeit subconsciously) sabotage our own efforts only to look back and wonder what the heck happened. Is it any wonder that we are constantly thwarted by our ever-present, ever powerful arch enemy....ourselves? To be honest its quite exhausting. We should all declare a vacation, go to a tropical island, dwell amongst the island-folk and live out our days surrounded by beautiful vegetation and sunsets all the while wondering why we ever allowed ourselves to experience so much unnecessary pain and exasperation in the first place. Okay, its not that easy. But one can dream right? I will admit one thing...I have a seemingly incurable addiction to suffering. Don't look at me like that, chances are you have it too (in all its various stages). I'm not talking about pain and suffering we get to thank our lucky stars for as a result of the actions and stupidity of others. I'm talking about the pain we inflict on ourselves because we (A) have no idea that we are doing it... (2) are aware but don't know how to get out of the cycle...or (12) in some sick and twisted way find some degree of pleasure in it because it allows us to be a victim. No matter what your reason, it all boils down to one thing: We don't think we are truly worth the aforementioned love, fulfillment, joy and success. Guilty as charged. I've written this all before, but it applies to my life now more than ever. geez.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Harmonious Addictions

Okay, i realize that i'm really bombing on this whole blogging thing. But whatever. I really just wanted to pop my head in real quick and give you a few songs to listen to that i'm currently in love with. Enjoy.

Sufjan Stevens also does a great version (or atleast i think so) of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" so go to youtube and check him out.

I almost couldn't find a link for this one, but here it is so just click "play"

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Back to the Future

I guess its time for an update. Alot has gone on for me these past few weeks regarding where i've been and where i'm headed. Let's just say Heavenly Father knows something i don't, and thank goodness for that. Here's a quick recap: three weeks ago my job fell through in Maryland and i started to feel like my time there was done. I felt like i wanted to go back to school and that i should move home for the summer. I moved home within the week and have been visiting people and helping my sister out with her kids. I've been contemplating which school i'd like to go to...and after research and a visit to the temple i know i'm supposed to go to Salt Lake City and go to LDS Business College this fall. yikes. There is a whole lot of change going on in my world in a very short period of time that i did not anticipate AT ALL. I'm excited yet hesitant. I still feel broken-hearted about leaving maryland and my ward there. I'm making new friends at home, getting quickly attached to my sister's kids (and my sister), and having fun catching up with old friends....which will rip my heart out ONCE AGAIN when i have to leave for SLC. I suppose all of this moving around would be easier if i didn't get so attached to people. The new love of my life is Paige...i mean i LOVE all my sister's kids but i've really fallen in love with Paige, even if she is a full time job. I love that she lights up when i walk in the house and she wants to be with me almost the whole time i'm there. I also love that Jamison and Sierra have really warmed up to me and actually want to let me play with them and even snug up to me sometimes. At any rate, i'm just going to have a hard time moving out there when it is time. But i'm EXCITED for the new chapter in my life, for being closer to joseph, katie and claire (and my cousins out there), and just for being in a new place where i can meet new people and grow to be a better Jill. There's a lot of uncertainty...mostly the financial piece. But i'm putting my trust in the Lord to guide me and open doors as i obey His will. And besides...i always like a good adventure.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

A Love Affair

Most people that know me well understand that i'm in love with music. I don't always play it as much as i would like to, but even when i'm not playing or listening to it you can be assured that there is some kind of song in my head. There are a few songs that i'm really crushing on right now, so i thought i'd share them. Enjoy.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fond Farewell

I just finished packing up my car...something my tetris skills came in handy for. Wow my room looks EMPTY. I have to say it feels a little weird, just like it always does before i leave a place of abode for another. I generally have a hard time sleeping on nights before a departure so i'm hoping that this night will be an exception. Atleast the Anderson's are gone...i get to skip that round of goodbyes. But i'm now more sure than ever that its time for me to move on, time for me to go to another place where i can experience growth, where i can hopefully make a difference in my small part of the world. Change is hard for me, but at the same time i adapt quickly. I feel a bit like a yo-yo this last year or so...especially because i know i'm only in winston for the summer and don't know where i'll end up after that. I feel like i have an idea but i'll keep that to myself for now. I've been so lucky to live in a place so beautiful with an incredible family that i've grown to love so much. Goodbye Maryland, i will miss you. I'll be sure to come back and visit.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

I'm Possibly Going Insane. Period.

In the famous words of the band 311: "I'm all mixed up, I don't know what to do". I hear ya man. Seriously, my mind is playing judo tricks on me and i'm here, there and everywhere. Hope you all don't mind if i ramble a bit. Today I went to this lovely place:

And i'm pretty sure i got an answer to prayer. But that decision is really hard for me to accept and i'm experiencing a high level of anguish over it. I guess its because i feel like i should be excited about it and just feel at peace and be ready to go. The truth is, I'm not. Maybe i'm still a little shell shocked at how this just played out. Maybe i'm in mourning because I've grown emotionally attached to the Andersons. Maybe i'm scared to go back to winston because it makes me feel like a i'm running back home because its comfortable, even though thats not really true (although i keep trying to do a mental check to make sure thats not what i'm doing and i'm skeptical). And maybe I'm scared to go back because I don't feel like its permanent and I have no idea where to go from there. There's way to many unknowns for comfort. And I don't, I repeat DON'T want to get comfortable in winston and end up staying there. And i'm scared i'll get back into my same ole rut and set up camp. I guess i feel wrong for struggling so much over this. Should it be this big a deal? Or am I making it so much harder than it should be? I just want my mind to be quiet so I can truly listen. The problem is, I just don't trust myself. I always worry i'm making the wrong decision because i'm afraid of the outcome if i accidentally do. But if i'm trying to make the right one and i'm pouring my heart and soul into it, then i can trust that i'm making the right one...right? Advice or thoughts please. And in the words of Wanda Sykes "I am sick sick sick...and I am tired. I am sick and tired." Me too wanda, me too. This drama is wearing me out.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My friend Jill

This is my friend Jill. Isn't she cute? I used to know her really well. She has white blonde hair, often pulled up in pigtails (sorry, i couldn't locate a pigtail picture) and rosy red cheeks ripe for the pinching. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her, just a turn around the corner ahead of know, when you can see the back of someone for just a second before they make that next turn? Every once in a while she comes to hang out with me, sometimes staying a week or even longer if I'm lucky enough. Most often, however, our encounters are short colorful bursts of brilliance and freedom...when i feel grounded and safe and that all is right with my world. Please Jilly, come back and play. We can hold hands and skip rope....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Life, Interrupted

We all know (all to well i'm sure) that life never really goes as planned. This seems especially true for me. constantly. I like to look at it as batting practice to get me ready for the next big game. Because i've learned that once one trial is seemingly in the clear another is right around the corner to smack me upside my head when i'm not looking. dang it. While i know there are lessons to be learned and a grateful attitude to be had, some days i feel like all i'm left with is black eyes and bruises. Are you with me? I'm sure i'm not alone in this feeling. I know things could be SO much worse for me, but my heart doesn't seem to share that same sentiment. I'm ready to run away to that island i keep dreaming about. I sure would like some company...any takers?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

A Fond Farewell

Well, its done. I finally paid this thing off today. This is what it looked like after its spring break adventure in daytona beach:

I'm not really sure how i feel about it right now. I mean sure, I'm ecstatic to no longer have a car payment for a car i don't have. But it just feels....weird. I don't know. When I was on the phone making the final payment, the girl said to me "i bet you are sure glad to have this thing out from under you, huh?" UNDERSTATEMENT. And then she said "well ms. brewer, in about 10 to 14 days you will receive your title in the mail." All i could think was I DON'T WANT THE FREAKIN TITLE!!!!!! I mean seriously... what good does that do me? Maybe a keepsake to remind me of all the great times i've had in the aftermath of it all. Now i'm just sickly, broke, and tired. I bid you adieu.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this...

Except for that i feel the need. Not for sympathy, but just to be heard and acknowledged or to atleast spread some education about me to those I love. I hesitate because I fear that I will be met with judgements...judgements about my mental stability. I never promised that my blog would only feature feel good things. Because the truth about me is that i'm deeply emotional and I'm not the type to hold it all in. For the past year, I've really struggled with panic attacks. To learn more about them go to I have had them in a few different episodes throughout my life, with years in between. But these have been frequent and long lasting....basically torture. I'm not trying to be dramatic. If any of you have ever experienced the intensity of one you know what i mean. Otherwise it is hard to fully grasp and understand. They often have no trigger and come without warning. I mostly get them at night when I am relaxed. But an article I read recently helped me understand that in order to conquer this thing I need to accept it instead of fighting it so hard. Because whether I like it or not it is a part of me and I don't know how long it will stay. I felt like sharing the article with you so here it is:
This from Dr. Claire Weekes, the late anxiety expert:
On Recovery: "The person practicing acceptance passes gradually from being terrified and dreading panic to disliking it, then from disliking to finding it no longer mattering. This does not mean that panic no longer comes. It takes time for no-longer-mattering to bring no panic. It is important to realize that panic can still flash and no longer matter. This is the beginning of recovery.
We should not feel lesser human beings because we happen to be afraid in certain circumstances. Coping though frightened is true courage.
Even when you can do things you previouisly could not do, memory may sometimes encourage that old demon, panic, to rattle his chains. However, the rattling gradually grows less and less as you cope with it the right way, until it finally fades and is only a thought without too much upsetting bodily reaction.
When you can live in peace with the memory of what you have been through and if, when times of stress bring back your old symptoms, you can accept these and not let them upset you too much, not let them disrupt your life, then you can say you are cured.
Recovery means that although symptoms can return under stress, there is a deep inner feeling of peace because the symptoms have come to no longer matter.
For recovery, the sufferer must have, deep within himself, a special voice that says during any setback or dark moment, "It's all right, you've been here before. You know the way out, You can do it again. It works, you know it works!" That voice speaks with authority and brings comfort only when it has been earned by the sufferer himself, and it can be earned only by making the symptoms and experience that torture no longer matter. No-longer-mattering is the key."

This really brought comfort and hope to me. I hope you never have to experience panic attacks, but if you do or have in the past I hope you find support in knowing there are others out there who suffer with you, silently (most people don't talk about may have people close to you who suffer them and you'd never know). It doesn't mean you are "crazy" or unstable. In my case it is directly related to post traumatic stress syndrome, but people develop them for various reasons. If this has made you uncomfortable, I apologize...but the truth is they are real. They are real for me. And they are exhausting. Goodnight.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Back here again

I'm back here again folks. You know, that place where you aren't really sure what your near future looks like? Well that is where I currently dwell. I recently received the news that the snow season is in fact over and now...drumroll please...i must find a job. crap. I guess I knew this day could come but I secretly (well, maybe not so secretly) hoped that we would have a good enough season for me to continue to be paid throughout the summer. 'Tis not so my good lads. Thus I am thrown into the dog days of job hunting with hundreds of other villagers trying to find something that pays somewhat decent. I'll be the first one to tell you that I really really despise looking for a job. With a passion. And here's first it can be fairly exciting thinking of new possibilities (to be honest, I like changing what I do from time to time because I get incredibly bored doing the same thing day to day). But pretty soon leads start to dry out and I get hit with panic about being able to make my car payment or whatever bills I may have. Don't these employers know that I can learn pretty much anything? Don't they know that I'm a hard worker and personable? The reality is they don't, unfortunately, which brings me to my next topic of loathing....interviews. I really like being the interviewer, but not so much on the other side of that desk. I always wonder what their impression of me is and what they are thinking about me. Just give me the job already, I won't let you down. Ugh. I'm frustrated. I gotta go.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A little appreciation

Today in Young Women i taught a lesson about supporting your family members. As i read through it i reflected on my own immediate family and how much i love them. So this post is about them, and the things i love about them individually.

My Daddy: You may or may not know this, but my dad is a pretty unique guy. I've always admired how he marches to the beat of his own drum and is proud of it. My dad has provided me with many an entertaining memory over my years and makes me laugh. I remember going to work with him when i was younger and thinking what a hard worker he was. He always made sure to spend a lot of time with us kids, and also get one-on-one time with each of us to make us feel special. I still to this day want to instinctively step on anyone's hands who happens to be laying on the floor. He taught me to never back down from what I believe to be right..that being confident in who I am is okay even if some people are intimidated by it. And I always feel safe around him, which is a big deal to me because since i was little i've dealt with alot of fears. I also admire and appreciate how he honors his priesthood and has always been eager to give me a blessing when i've needed it. I love you daddy.

My Momma: My mom is one of the most selfless people i know. seriously. She gives to others so freely, without ever even thinking of herself first. And while i would love to see her do more things for herself, i know she finds joy in serving others...its a part of who she is. I aspire to be like her in that way someday. My mom is always doing something. I can hardly remember her ever sitting down that much, and when she does she sews at the same time. I admire that because truth be told, i'm a little lazy sometimes. She also has a great sense of humor. I don't think i really noticed that until I was an adult...but she makes me laugh. I love it when i see her relaxing with people she loves and she throws something hilarious out at random. I also can thank her for my gift and love of music and my artistic side. My parents always made sure that we learned the gospel and knew that our heavenly father loved us. I feel so blessed with parents that taught us so well and loved me even when i made decisions that they didn't like. I attribute this to the foundation of my testimony. I would also like to note that as i've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks from time to time, my mom is usually the only one that can really make me feel better. I love you mom.

My sister Laura: When i was younger, i often felt confused by whether having a sister so close in age to me was a blessing or a curse. I now know it is a blessing. I felt i was often known as "Laura's little sister" and to be quite honest, I was kind of proud of that. I've always looked up to my sister. She's incredibly beautiful, with a smile that you can see in her eyes. She's talented in many ways. While there are ways in which we are different, we are also kind of the same. Its hard to explain, but i've always felt like my sister was a part of who i know, the kind of thing where i just know we were close before we came to this earth. I've often found her captivating. She's fun and witty and i love being close to her. she has an energy that fills up the room when she enters. She silently demands that people "show up" and be present. Oh how i admire and respect that. Her testimony is sure and she is unwavering. She loves her children and her husband deeply and it shows. I never could (and still can't) stand to see her cry if she's upset. If I see her hurt, I hurt. She cares genuinely about other people and will do what she can to help them. She's very insightful and i'm grateful that she knows how to talk to me in just the way i need to feel empowered and supported. I love you lala.

Joseph: My brother jophis is special to me. We were always playmates growing up, and he would even call me "John" because when i was really young i went through a phase where i wanted to be a boy. He's always been so sure of himself, confident in who he is and where he's going. I was always somewhat jealous of his athleticism...he was good at any sport he touched. He's willing to help out where he's needed and he's very dutiful, which is something i sometimes lack. His testimony has always been rock solid and we always knew how much he wanted to serve a mission. I've always felt a special connection to him. He's also humorous and likes to laugh...these great big belly laughs where he throws his head back and you can't help but laugh with him. He's been a good friend to me...i remember when he came home from byu while he waited to leave on his mission. We were nearly inseperable. I knew it would make it harder when he left, but i wanted every minute with him because i knew we would never get that time back. When he finally did leave, i felt like someone had died and I cried many many tears the first few days. When he got back we were attached at the hip again until he left for school. All of this is to just demonstrate that Joseph has always been my buddy. He shares my love of movies and we tend to like the same kind. I always love just hanging out with him. love you jophis.

Jacob: Oh how my brother jacob is FUNNY. He has been the most entertaining guy to grow up with (no offense to my other siblings). There are many stories i could share with you to demonstrate this fact, but i'll leave that for another time. He's the kind of funny that just happens naturally, that makes you wonder what kind of stuff goes on in that head of his. He's also incredibly intelligent and i wish i had that to work for my advantage. I remember when he was younger he used to read encyclopedias and fall asleep to classical music. In fact, i think he still enjoys classical music from time to time...which would probably surprise most people that know him. He has a big heart. I've seen him do things for people that i know wasn't his preference, but he did it because he wanted to help them. He has the prettiest eyes...long eyelashes that make your heart melt. We are alot alike, me and jacob. We tend to have some of the same personality traits and that makes me feel a special kinship to him. We also share the same sense of humor...or atleast i think so. I enjoy spending time with him...its pretty much a good time. love you jacob.

Daniel: Daniel was born when i was 15. He is my little buddy. I fell in love with him when he was born and he was the light of my life. Its been hard lately to see him getting so big... gone are the days when he curls up in my lap as we watch his shows and just hang out together. I remember when he was about 6 i asked him.."daniel what am i going to do when you get too big to sit on my lap?" and he looked at me in all seriousness and said.."don't worry jill, i'll still hold your hand". Now he really is too big to sit in my lap, but when i'm home he still cozies up to me to watch a movie or read the comics..and he still plays the "drawing game" with me after church on sundays (that was our tradition). He's brilliant...his intelligence amazes me. Because he grew up in a house full of older people, his vocabulary has always blown me away. I remember having full conversations about sophisticated subjects when he was merely 3. He loves to read, and i can always go to him in search of a book or atleast a recommendation...he always has a big stack on his desk in his room. I can tell he's a straight arrow...that he is one of those people that just knows truth. I love that about him. I love you Daniel.

Jason and Katie: I don't want you to feel left out! I want you to know that i love you both as well. I am so grateful that my sister found such a wonderful husband in you, Jason, and that Joseph found such an incredible wife, Katie. I enjoy being around both of you and hope to get to know you even better as the years go on.

Well, I know this has been looooonnnggggg, but hopefully my family can see a small portion of some of the things i love about them. Happy Sunday!

Friday, March 13, 2009

First Five

Okay, well i guess i signed up for this so here goes...

The first five people to leave a comment gets...drumroll please.... a homemade gift from me! Yes, its true. I could make a witty joke here about me actually making homemade things but the truth is i secretly like it (please don't tell anyone). It gives me an opportunity to stir my creative juices. Looking back over the years i've made plenty of homemade gifts for people and enjoyed doing it. That said, there is a time frame of 6 months. Now my sister-in-law katie and my mom both put the time frame of a year, but i assure you i will forget in that time. I may forget in a month. But, i will set up the necessary reminders to get you your homemade goods within 6 months. This i vow.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

My worktime friend

This is my worktime friend Star. She likes to get hair all over me and hold my hand.

She also likes to stalk the cat, bark insanely at ANYONE (which is always nice when we have a customer on the phone) and nudge my arm until i stop what i'm doing to love on her. She really is a sweet dog though. Just look at that face! Poor thing suffers from anxiety.

In other news, I'm living at work again. I keep telling myself how thankful I am for the snow because well, that's our business. Snow somehow loses its magic when you have to get up at 2 in the a.m. after 2 hours of sleep and work for the next 15 or so hours. It provides me entertainment to get berated by a guy for 5 minutes, only for him to continue to insult me when I call back to let him know that someone is on their way to help him. Its good times. This is what i look like at work after 27 hours with only 2.5 hours of sleep to break that up.

Over and out.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Hiking We Will Go

Hi Ho the Dairio, a hiking we will go! While Stacey was out of town helping her sister out with the cute new baby, I had to find ways to keep the boys occupied. We ended up with some nice weather and Rodney suggested we go hiking on the "Billy Goat Trail". Its starts out as a nice walk down the canal...which extends all the way from DC to Ohio. *Take note, i would like to bike this one day...i heard it can be done in a week...anyone want to go?* The scenery was beautiful. Warren let me know he would teach me how to hike...since i didn't know how. Here is a little filmage from our adventure. David and Warren are fearless on all of those rocks! David had to have a little help from one of us from time to time. After all, he is barely two.

I was not prepared for how rocky the trail is. As you can see from the pictures, alot of the trail actually went over rocks that we had to climb. It was seriously so much fun and there were beautiful views. The water was emerald green. Who knew that a place so beautiful existed right outside of DC?

A candid shot of Rodney and David on the trail.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hi Mom!

No, not my mom. Stacey's been out of town the last couple of days so the boys just wanted to say hi. Sorry its not longer stacey... they were on the move and didn't want to stop to chat for very long. But they've been missing you! (and i have too)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Anyone out there?

So....I'm fairly convinced that my mom and my sister are really the only ones that read this. But that's okay, and i love them so it works out. That's all.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

WARNING: Deep Emotional Thoughts

Today is an anniversary of sorts. Most of the time when you think of the word "anniversary" it brings happy thoughts. However, today's anniversary is not so happy. I've tried to tell myself its no big deal...but the truth is it kind of is to me so deal with it. You see, one year ago on this very night I had something taken from me. Physically speaking i lost a car and some stuff (but it was MY stuff dang it), although emotionally it is much more than that. I can still see exactly the way the barrel of that gun looked pointed right at me. I can still feel the uncertainty of whether they would spare my life and hoping, praying that i wouldn't hear a gunshot while my back was turned to them. And i can still feel the fear of being alone in the dark, knowing that two of them had left on foot and were still out there somewhere...wanting to just collapse and cry but making myself suck it up and search for help, banging on doors in the middle of the night until someone would let me in. And i still feel IMMENSE gratitude and love for the friends that jumped out of bed and got there almost as fast as the police did. I remember feeling so supported from those friends who were not just co-workers, but really cared about me. This year has been hard, not so much because of the actual incident (though i'm VERY cautious at night and don't trust anyone i don't know) as is the fall out, the aftermath if you will. I've struggled with feeling like it wasn't a big enough deal to have the emotional repercussions i've had, but deep down i know it is. Because whether or not anyone else thinks its valid, it is MY reality...and that's what matters. This year, i look forward to a year of healing, peace and freedom. Healing to my stress riddled body, peace to my troubled soul, and freedom from paying for a car that i don't even have. I will not be a victim to this any longer, it doesn't serve me or those i come in contact with. DONE.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm just sayin...

I know i haven't posted in about a week... i've been very busy playing "office" with my friends down the street. Who needs a rousing game of "kidnap" when you can sit at a desk and push paperwork all day. Its basically a party. At any rate, I'm just writing to let it be known that i am divorcing my body. I would like to say that it is amicable, but we pretty much resent each other at this point. 'nough said.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

My dear friend caffeine

Dear caffeine,

oh how i miss you. It is day number dos without your sweet presence in my life. Without you here, the futon in my office looks increasingly tempting. I find myself often staring into space (okay, that one isn't that abnormal for me) and daydreaming of all of our memories together. Remember those days that we used to spend in sweet embrace during the long, hot summer days of going door to door to door to door? Or what about those times i used to chug you along with your vitamin friends before a grueling spin class? I know your feelings must have been hurt as i cut down to just one energy drink a day, and then even further unil i was only consuming you in the form of sodas. I never meant to hurt you, but the truth is my body just doesn't love you anymore. Its not you, its me. I've grown more and more intolerant to your ways in the last few months, and its just not worth it anymore. I need to do this for my happiness and well-being, so please don't cry. We can still be friends, right?

Forever yours,

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Anderson's Go to the Zoo (and Jill goes too)

First of all, let me release my frustration for a minute. I've been trying to get this one song from my itunes to play in this video...but no matter what i try the movie software will not accept it. So i had to settle for something else. Hmmph. I really really wanted that song. Some may say "oh its no big deal" and i know they are right, but when i have a certain vision for something i don't really like the interuption of said vision.

Okay, whew... i feel better. So a few (or more like 6) weeks ago, we decided to play hookie and go to the zoo. Shhhh, don't tell the boss. Seriously though, who could pass up a 60 degree weather day in december? Apparently not us. I took a few shots of our adventures...dancing, rodney riding some old mans wheelchair thingy, more dancing and a really cool street drummer that was providing us passersby with some rockin' times.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Oh where, oh where has jilly jill been?

Lately I've been trapped in a vortex of work and...more work. I would like to say that sleep fits into that mix but i would be lying to you. Don't worry, i did get a few hours (or naps i should say) here and there. Alas, it is recovery time...despite the fact that another storm is looming over our head within the next couple of days. yikes. We really need the snow to hit us (seeing as how that is the business and all) so instead of praying that it doesn't, pray that it does and that i will still be alive at the end.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

just in case you care...

ugh. i'm tired. really tired.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The Bells

This is a blog shout to a few of my favorite people in the world...the Bell family. I love them dearly. They make me laugh and i love being around them whenever i'm home and get the chance. David would like to say hey as well...

I just wanted to post a few clips of them doing what they do. They tell me jokes and keep me entertained with acrobatics. And apparently they really like chase games. I love you Laura, Jason, Jamison, Sierra and Paige!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Meditation Moment

We humans are such strange and interesting creatures aren't we? I am often baffled by the emotional rollercoaster that characterizes our lives, or more specifically mine. We crave love, fulfillment, joy and success and yet as we begin down our path towards greatness we purposefully (albeit subconsciously) sabotage our own efforts only to look back and wonder what the heck happened. Is it any wonder that we are constantly thwarted by our ever-present, ever powerful arch enemy....ourselves? To be honest its quite exhausting. We should all declare a vacation, go to a tropical island, dwell amongst the island-folk and live out our days surrounded by beautiful vegetation and sunsets all the while wondering why we ever allowed ourselves to experience so much unnecessary pain and exasperation in the first place. Okay, its not that easy. But one can dream right? I will admit one thing...I have a seemingly incurable addiction to suffering. Don't look at me like that, chances are you have it too (in all its various stages). I'm not talking about pain and suffering we get to thank our lucky stars for as a result of the actions and stupidity of others. I'm talking about the pain we inflict on ourselves because we (A) have no idea that we are doing it... (2) are aware but don't know how to get out of the cycle...or (12) in some sick and twisted way find some degree of pleasure in it because it allows us to be a victim. No matter what your reason, it all boils down to one thing: We don't think we are truly worth the aforementioned love, fulfillment, joy and success. Guilty as charged. In light of this awareness (which in some ways is worse than blissful ignorance) I have enrolled in an online course entitled "Overcoming Self-Sabotage" by Debbie Ford. geez, what have i gotten myself into? As i stand ready and (some-what) willing to sift through all the junk that is jill, it is my hope that chapter by chapter i will close the storybook that holds all of the self-deprecating fairytales i've been telling myself since i was a child. And despite the fact that i hold Debbie personally responsible for having me drag my own face through the mud, it is quite possible that she is my new best friend. Because i know that on the other side I get to enjoy the love, fulfillment, joy and success that i've always dreamed about in a world where i no longer create my own obstacles and jill is wonderful. That, my friends, gives me hope.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Happy Friday Everybody!

its a good day. Why you ask? because its friday. And for some reason i find myself amused by all things today. . Its good to know there is no tumor in my humor (to quote a song by Robbie Williams). Before I recount some hilarious happenings of the day i'd like to throw this random picture up Seriously how cute are we? These are who the Smith extended family likes to refer to as the "four girls". Mainly because we are. Anyway, we 4 girls are the oldest of the cousin clan on the Smith side. I have many a fond and funny memory with these beautiful ladies. From left to right we have me, Emily, my sister Laura, and Royale.
In other news, I embarked on an artistic adventure the other day. I bought a journal to carry around with me (for those of you who don't know.. i like to write) that could fit in my purse. Out of the color options i had i chose black. Seeing as how it was plain jane on the front i wanted to give it a little flair so I decided to undertake this project during an A.D.D. moment at work (of which i have many). Due to the fact that i did not have access to a silver sharpie or paints i decided to use white out. Mistake #1 was the brush kind not the pen. Needless to say it did'nt turn out like i had planned. So after looking at it for some time i was able to fix my blunder using more white out and colored sharpies and actually created something that was kind of cute. I wanted to go buy some glossy finish to spray on it so it didn't rub off...which found me in line at a store when an altercation broke out between a manager and a tiny asian man. The hilarity of this situation was that the manager was a young black woman in her mid-twenties and towered easily over 6 feet tall. The man, however, was atleast in his 60's (possibly even 70's) and was under 5 feet. Anyway, he started getting rowdy about some customer service issue and was yelling threats to this poor unfortunate girl. They tried to escort him off of the premises at which time i was sure there would be a movie-esque moment of martial artistics. Eventually the police were called and all was seemingly settled. If it weren't for the risk of being sued or kung-fu'd i would have provided video. Upon my arrival at home i sprayed my special journal... but (mistake #53) sprayed inside the house instead of out for fear of freezing and now (as if you can't tell) i'm pretty sure i'm stoned from the fumes. excellent.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My sister-friend Jodi

Last week Jodi and Joe met me in D.C. to have lunch on their way to New York. It was really good to see her (and Joe too). We used to be roommates and spend all of our time together except for that whole work thing that adults have to do. Therefore, its been hard to be so far from her and not see her very often. Here's a little video proving that in fact she does love me. I probably should have okay'd this with her....oh well. I love you Jodi!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

House of Bricks

Seeing how it is Sunday and all, i have been thinking about my Savior and how special the atonement is to me. Last week in church i taught a lesson on this very subject, and it reminded me of this poem. I came across House of Bricks a few months ago in an old notebook of mine and until then had forgotten all about it. I'm not sure when i wrote it, but due to the other writings surrounding it i'm guessing it was about 3 years ago. It displays my feelings about how the atonement has affected me in my life. I just had a thought the other day about how i refer to myself in this poem as a house of bricks. The significance of this (and i never thought about this until this week), is that when we see houses in our dreams they represent our self, according to dream analysts. Just a little food for thought.

House of Bricks

A house of bricks with four strong walls

to outside elements won't fall

It takes a special kind of wind

to dispense doom and bring its end.

With inside pieces flying 'round

Those sturdy walls come crashing down

And in one final deafning sound

All is still upon that ground.

But mostly one would always find

atleast small parts of house that rise

From heaps of rubble upward bound

to be rebuilt once they are found.

A skillful carpenter can fix

this humble house of crumbled bricks

And with his healing hands he works

to build it stronger than at first.

And in no time it seems it stands

a masterpiece of careful hands

A witness to the neighbors there

The power of His redeeming care.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Meditation Moment

Why do i allow myself to be a victim of my own life?
The truth is I do know how to overcome. It may not be the easiest but it is a choice..
a choice to overcome silently, for that is a true hero to me
One who can endure, rise above
and choose positive, self-growth and supreme spirituality over
negativity, poor me and vicitim mud.
Take responsibility, for it is the only way out
It is the doorway out of the darkness and the beginning of a new life
A life where my obstacles are opportunities and i choose the better part.
Where I inspire my world, for that is what i truly want my life to be.
I want to be a beacon of love
I want to be light in darkness
I want to bring happiness, joy and peace

Friday, January 16, 2009

Warren on Ice

A few weeks ago the Anderson's and I went ice skating for David's birthday. David attempted a go at the ice, but due to nap time and the skates being a little big...well let's just say it didn't work out. Warren, however, showed no fear and a need for speed. Luckily it wasn't that cold and we had a blast. Here's a few clips...

Oh What Fuuuuuun....

Seriously, how cute is she?

I rounded the corner at my mom's house and this is what i found. I was trying to hurry and grab my camera for fear that she would stop, but no need to worry here...she kept going and going and going....

Hello World

well maybe not the whole world. I've decided to create this blog in an effort to better express myself...okay i'll be honest a need to express myself... through writing down all these thoughts that constantly run circles around my mind. My hope is that i will experience a renewal of creativity that i so often suppress (don't we all?). As a bonus it will allow me to let my friends and family know me better. Yes i use the word let. For so long in my life i've complained (mostly just to myself) that those close to me don't even really know who jill is. but what i've realized is that i am responsible...i've held myself back and people can only know me as much as i will allow them to. That said, I want a place where i can just write, post poetry and videos and basically whatever i feel like. Sometimes it may be deep, other times light and fun. I make no promises because my mind can be slightly unpredictable. so here goes...