In the famous words of the band 311: "I'm all mixed up, I don't know what to do". I hear ya man. Seriously, my mind is playing judo tricks on me and i'm here, there and everywhere. Hope you all don't mind if i ramble a bit. Today I went to this lovely place:
And i'm pretty sure i got an answer to prayer. But that decision is really hard for me to accept and i'm experiencing a high level of anguish over it. I guess its because i feel like i should be excited about it and just feel at peace and be ready to go. The truth is, I'm not. Maybe i'm still a little shell shocked at how this just played out. Maybe i'm in mourning because I've grown emotionally attached to the Andersons. Maybe i'm scared to go back to winston because it makes me feel like a failure...like i'm running back home because its comfortable, even though thats not really true (although i keep trying to do a mental check to make sure thats not what i'm doing and i'm skeptical). And maybe I'm scared to go back because I don't feel like its permanent and I have no idea where to go from there. There's way to many unknowns for comfort. And I don't, I repeat DON'T want to get comfortable in winston and end up staying there. And i'm scared i'll get back into my same ole rut and set up camp. I guess i feel wrong for struggling so much over this. Should it be this big a deal? Or am I making it so much harder than it should be? I just want my mind to be quiet so I can truly listen. The problem is, I just don't trust myself. I always worry i'm making the wrong decision because i'm afraid of the outcome if i accidentally do. But if i'm trying to make the right one and i'm pouring my heart and soul into it, then i can trust that i'm making the right one...right? Advice or thoughts please. And in the words of Wanda Sykes "I am sick sick sick...and I am tired. I am sick and tired." Me too wanda, me too. This drama is wearing me out.
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