Sunday, February 19, 2012

New Beginnings (From jack and jilly)

Today marks a new beginning.  And I’m highly excited…like can’t even sleep more than 5 hours excited.  Today I embark on a journey of health and healing.  How will I do this? Well, I am starting with a 40 day juice fast.  Some of you may think I’m crazy, and I don’t care.  If you feel the need to tell me what I’m doing is wrong, please make sure your comments are heavily steeped and backed by some serious research, because I have done mine for a long time and know that this is my next step. Or better yet, feel free to keep your comments to yourself.  It won’t sway me and I don’t need the negativity in my life. that the disclaimer is out of the way…I know this will be difficult..especially in the beginning.  This is a cleanse of the body/mind/spirit.  And I couldn’t be more ready.
This morning as I was laying in my bed pondering getting up or continuing to pretend that I was actually sleeping, I picked up my phone to glance at the calendar…and then realized the date.  And then I laughed. Out loud. February 19th.  What is the significance?  On this day four years ago I suffered a traumatic experience that left me with PTSD and set off a series of events and health troubles that led me to where I am today…desperate for healing and change.  I laughed because I didn’t plan on starting my fast on this date in particular…in fact it never even crossed my mind.  What a better day to begin anew?! Maybe February 19th will no longer be a marker for how many years I’ve been in panic-attack-and-depression hell and will now be a marker for when my life began again.  So I guess the date couldn’t be more perfect! Ready, Set, Go!!!!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

The Invitation

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.  I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.  I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the moon, "YES!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Who do you Be?

One of the most interesting conversations I have with myself while taking personal inventory is about who I “be”. I believe that who I be is always a choice and never the result of my circumstances. Please don’t take this to mean I’m a master of my emotions. I’m actually quite horrible at remembering to choose my way of being. Just picture an unpredictable roller coaster and put my name on it. Despite that, there is still a sense of empowerment in knowing that with practice, we can choose who we be in any moment or situation. For instance, maybe I’ll choose to be loving today, or inspirational, or silly. Maybe I’ll decide that my goal for the whole day is to grin like an idiot at everyone I see and watch their reactions. Don’t you just want to run out and test that? Unfortunately, we can also choose to be in a negative pattern of being. And that, my friends, is where I have been for a very long time. I’ll admit it…I felt sick and broken and I wanted people to recognize I felt sick and broken. I wanted people to get my pain so I didn’t feel alone in it, thinking that if people felt sorry for me just a bit I would feel better. You know what? I didn’t feel better. All I felt was more negativity with a side of guilt for being a complainer and an energy vampire. I want to be someone who breathes life into people I come in contact with, not the sucker of their life-force energy. I realized that I was stuck in victim mode. Oh I talked about getting out. I even had brilliant bursts of relief where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. But traveling upwards is difficult when there is no action involved. I was all talk and no action. Yeesh.
I remember several (as in like 6) years ago a time where I was much more conscious about who I was being. I created a “Be” jar with my friend/roommate. We typed ways of being on individual slips of paper and put them all in a decorated glass jar. Every morning we would each draw a slip and that would be our assignment for the day. It was fun and very freeing. It took work to maintain it throughout the day…some days were successful and others weren’t. But it was practice and inspired awareness. The lesson here is this: We have choice. It is the way God designed it to be, for us to have agency. We have the freedom to choose good things and positive energy or victim-mode and darkness. And we can choose no matter our circumstances. We may not be able to control what happens to us, but we can control how we react and our thought processes. And it is ours. People can always take away our stuff, but they can’t take away who we are. Not ever. Maybe I’ll go make a new “be” jar….

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Journey to Joyful

Check out the beginning of my journey to a more joyful life! Just hop over to