Forgiveness

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how i view myself and its effect on how i show up to others. Or how it affects really every aspect of my life. I realize that i've been giving myself so much negative self-talk for a while now that its really no wonder i've been struggling with almost a crippling disappointment in myself. I know i can't change how i've done things, and most of it i wouldn't even if i could. But sometimes i hold myself to such high expectations that i set myself up for failure. I've made some mistakes, some outright bad decisions, and not followed through on things i really wanted to do for myself. But i've also had successes, celebrations, and some fun along the way. The reality is, i do have all of this stuff i want to do, changes i need to make...but i just feel kind of stuck. I've been stuck for some time now and i don't even know what's keeping me from moving forwards towards my personal goals for my life. Tonight i was sitting and thinking about my disappointments in myself, and i thought of a word, a key to what could possibly unstick me....forgiveness. Often times we think of forgiveness as something we give to someone outside of ourselves. But just as important as that is the ability to forgive ourselves. Sure, i'd like to be further ahead in my life goals and ambitions than where i currently dwell. But i realize that i beat myself up so much for falling short that i actually hinder myself from being able to get there. Its like i've created a fear of success within my soul. And i need to forgive myself for those mistakes, bad decisions, and goals i haven't yet hit. I need to forgive myself for beating me up constantly. Because if i can forgive myself for my sometimes impossible standards, i just might create the freedom and space to move forward.

Jar of Hearts

I heard this song today and fell in love with it. Maybe because it speaks to me about several different subjects in my life. the video is a little weird, but i forgive her.

Glory

Sickened by such lonesome thoughts

I stand still on my ground

The havoc that this weight has wrought

Awakens every sound

The crying in the blackest night

The shout of joy and peace

Soothing songs when done what's right

When faith's strength has increased

The echo of my hollow voice

Against blank walls and stares

Reflects again my own true choice

Though some no longer care

And I with my new found glory here

Stand proudly and content

Pushed aside both pain and fear

My soul no longer rent

Put Your Trust Where It Belongs

I was at dinner tonight with my dear friend Amy and we had a conversation about being single in the church and how isolating it can feel at times.  We all know the stereotype about how those in the LDS church get married young and have lots of babies.  While it is just a stereotype, its one that seems to be true.  Now just to be clear, i'm not knocking those who do get married young and start a family.  But for those of us who (gasp) push 30 and older and are not yet married, there is a certain amount of pressure.  We no doubt do it to ourselves, as it is not in the gospel way to expect us to marry the wrong person just because we feel we need to be married. Nevertheless, the pressure does exist, even if it's in our own minds.  The question was posed to me "don't you just wish you were married already and starting a family?"  Well, a part of me says yes...that part that longs to find my partner in life (or crime, however you want to look at it ;) And a whole other part of me says no.  I say that because i feel like my life has happened exactly as it should, with all of its obstacles and road bumbs and celebrations.  Is it always easy? definitely not, not even close.  But had i been married already i wouldn't have experienced some of the growth in the same way...the way i feel was meant for me.  We are all different people, with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.  It takes different experiences for each of us to cause the growth that will help us become the best version of ourselves.  Sure i hope that someday i will find someone who will complete me and be my best friend and companion through life and eternity.  But i also refuse to wait to live my life until that day comes.  My life is happening right now.  I get to choose to be happy right now.  I do feel lonely sometimes, but i also know that if i live my life the best i can and be open to love, that my loving Heavenly Father that blesses me with all things will also bless me with someone who loves me.  Therefore, i'll keep moving forward and put my trust where it belongs.

No Name Face

I came across this song i wrote in one of my journals earlier today.  i have about 5 different journals that i write in whenever i feel like it and occasionally i go through them just to read what i've written.  i remember writing this during my stay in maryland (despite what i'm about to tell you i had a blast that year, by the way).  For those who don't know, i had some hard rounds with a nemesis called depression during that year.  I couldn't have been in a better place while going through that because of support offered by a great friend, but i awoke one morning with these words playing through my head.  I only had the first verse and the chorus, so hopefully one day i'll come up with the rest....and if only i could make the music i hear in my head transpose itself into my fingers....

"No Name Face"


A new day dawns
The curtains drawn
A million things that were left unsaid the day before
A single tear
No ears to hear
Then comes that old familiar knocking at my door

And its you
With the no name face
You're out of place
And still you keep on comin' round
Its too soon
To come back now
Don't you remember how
You left my heart in pieces on the ground

Changes

Some changes need to be made... i've been in a huge inquiry about me and my life for some time now. I've really struggled the last couple of years within myself about the difference between where i am and where i want to be. Often the distance seems so great that i become overwhelmed and discouraged. As I was pondering tonight about how i'm currently living my life and who i'm being, i realized something that i think i've known but haven't clearly identified...i'm not living my life, i'm surviving it. Somewhere along the way in these past few years i lost my ability to fully live and create my world and be responsible for it. Instead i've been wrapped up in being "too busy". Too busy to get appropriate amounts of rest, too busy to be physically active, too busy to fuel my body in healthy ways, too busy to have a social life, too busy to be as involved in church activities as i'd like to be. Too busy to serve. And all of this busy-ness has caused me to become incredibly unbalanced in my life. Yes, my job is all-consuming most of the time. Yes, sometimes that means i don't get enough sleep. I've had to work sundays, and i work most nights so it really hinders spending time with friends almost at all. But the real reality is i don't manage my time well. I do work alot of hours, but i still have plenty of time that i waste doing, well, nothing. or nothing that really matters anyway. When i do the math after taking out my average of 60 hours of work a week and allotting myself an average of 7 hours sleep a night (which i almost never get, but here's to hoping), i'm left with 7.5 hours a day. I think about that 7.5 hours and i honestly can't tell you what i do during that time. Sure, some of it is spent eating, showering, running errands....but what else do i do? nothing. while doing nothing is necessary sometimes and probably best for me to have a little bit each day, i waste too much life sitting on my couch or on my laptop or....i don't really know what. And i just feel done. Done hiding, done sitting, done being a survivor of my life and not the creator of it. Done sabotaging myself for the sake of self-destruction. Who i am being at this stage of my life is not who i am. Who i really am is strong, loving, commited to living a life of passion and self-expression and creativity. Who i am is spritual, healthy and inspiring. I want to be who i feel i'm meant to be in this world. I have no idea how to shed my survival skin and start living again, but i know it can be done. And i promise you i will figure it out....

Thankful

This may be a day late, but i do things on my own time anyway :). I was at work today and thinking about how grateful i am for the relationships i have with my family. Like any family, we have our issues...but we really enjoy being together. I love my parents, and they love me. I'm grateful for the close friendships i have with my siblings. They truly are my best friends, and i know that it is rare these days. i'm thankful for my trials and tests i go through in my life. While i'm glad i don't keep score of how well i get through them (i'm sure the scoreboard would read Jill: 2 Trials: 20), its in the struggle that i truly grow as a person and gain the experience i need to be the best Jill i can be. And to be honest, the part of me that seems to be addicted to suffering really enjoys the struggle in some weird, twisted way. Don't judge me. I'm also thankful for the wonderful friends i have and have had in the past... for the love i got from them and the good times we've had. i'm so incredibly thankful for the Atonement and the healing power that comes from knowing i can be cleansed from my mistakes in life and strive to be better with a clean slate. I feel lucky for the life i've had and look forward to the years to come.

Stories Untold (revisited because its true)

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Poor Me (a song)

This is actually a song i wrote sometime within the past two years.  I don't know why i'm sharing it except i've been singing it in my head all day.  And mom, seriously don't worry about me because of the lyrics, k? They have multiple meanings....

a hurt that never ends, entangled in my heart
a longing to be cleansed, to get another start
but i cannot see that light and i'm drowning in the dark
i'll admit i'm falling all apart
paralyzed by emotions, a commotion
binding me...it won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"

it feels cold inside my soul, everytime i breathe
my walls are caving in, and its suffocating me
i need a remedy, or am i asking for too much
and it feels just close enough to touch
paralyzed by the one thing that can save me
but numb devotions won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"
poor me.

Musical Musings

I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight.  Well, lets be honest...i'm always in a musical mood.  But i'd like to write about it.  I finally got my living room/kitchen situated in my apartment and am just hanging out on the couch.  I won't lie, i had to close my bedroom door so i could shut out the disaster going on in there, but i digress...

So, just in case any of you care (and maybe you don't, but that won't stop me) this is my playlist for the night.  I would suggest you check these lovely tunes out. now.

"Unfold" by Marie Digby
"By & By" by  Brett Dennen
"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne
" #41" by Dave Matthews Band
"Feelin' the Same Way" by Norah Jones
"Sway" by the Kooks
"I Like What You Say" by Nada Surf
"O Valencia!" by The Decembers
"London Still (Live)" by The Waifs
"Lullaby" by Alana Davis
"1 2 3 4" by Feist
"Let It Be Me" by Ray LaMontagne
"Freedom Hangs Like Heaven" by Iron & Wine
"Oxygen" by Colbie Caillat
"Heart in a Cage" by The Strokes (this one has a word or two of language, not much but just warning you)


Well this isn't all, but its sums up some of it.  Seriously good music that i just feel like sharing in case you feel the need to expand your musical palette.

What a Time It's Been....

I do most of my reflecting in the middle of the night.  Sure, i should probably be doing something more productive such as sleeping, but the truth is its really the only time of my day where i can just be in my own quiet space without interruption.  So next time any of you find yourselves perplexed as to why i stay up until 5 in the morning even though i get home by 2....its because its "jill time".  Anyway, tonight i was performing my nightly ritual of sitting under my warm covers while playing on my laptop and i realized that exactly one year ago i was in the midst of driving cross country with my sister...(great time, by the way).  So much happens in one year, and things don't always go as planned.  Even just the range of emotions one experiences in a year's time is amazing.  This year i experienced excitement, fear, homelessness (just for a week mind you), joy, sleep deprivation, adventure, love, heartbreak and profound understanding just to name a few.  Its been a year of significant growth  and incredible hard work for me.  Some of it has been gut wrenchingly hard, and some of it has been fantastically fun.  Through it all i've realized the deep gratitude i have for a Heavenly Father who knows more than i do.  I had no idea a year ago that i would be back in NC right now.  I had no idea that the hard work and long hours i pulled this past year between work and school would help me in my job now.  I had no idea how much i would learn at LDS Business College and what it would mean for my understanding of business and how to be successful.  And the spiritual/emotional journey has been priceless.  Some days i'm wiped out and all i truly wish for is to be independently wealthy so i can go explore the globe, but despite my desires to become escape to new adventures, i know deep down that everything works together for my good....especially when its hard.  I need the hard moments because its the only way i can truly appreciate the easy ones.  I need them because its the only way i can push and stretch myself to be able to get where only the Lord can see me being.  In the span of my life, whats a few months of sleep deprivation while riding a topsy turvy learning curve?  Eventually the dust settles, i brush my self off and buckle up for the next ride-of-a-lifetime.

um...

Farewell Utah....

So i thought about writing this several times over the last week but just never got around to it.  I drove out of Salt  Lake on tuesday and arrived in NC on thursday night.  The drive was actually pretty great.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be by myself, but i gave myself three days to do it so i wouldn't be pushing myself to hard.  The first night i stopped in Nebraska in some old hotel.  The guy behind the desk was an older man from India who lectured me for 40 minutes on the downfall of the american economy. I just wanted my room key.  The second night i stayed in Edwardsville, IL with the Bowermans.  It was nice to visit with Lisa, Rich and Sarah and get a good nights sleep.  The last day i began to feel a little tired but drove into winston before it got too late.  I was blessed with good weather and an uneventful trip...which for those of you who know me know how great that is.   I've had some mixed feelings all this time about my move.  I know its what i need to do, what the Lord wants for me at this stage in my life.  But there is also a sadness for leaving Utah even though i didn't really like it that much.  I'm sad to leave my brother, katie and my cute as a button claire-bear.  I'm sad to leave a few of my friends.  And a part of me is weirded out to be back in winston-salem for the first time in several years where i'm actually going to stay for a while instead of move somewhere else.  I am, however, eager to keep moving forward in my life goals...and i'm excited to be close to my family (especially my little Bells) and loved ones again.  Who knows what happens next.....

My Dad

I just love this picture of my dad...every time i see it, it makes me laugh. So, naturally, I stole it from my mom's blog to share with all of you. Love you Dad!

Such a Girl

There are only a few things i dislike about being a girl.  One of those things is my emotional color wheel.  Something happens and i move from one extreme to the other until i finally settle on middle ground.  Unfortunately, sometimes i do a little demolition work in the process without warning people to wear their hard-hats.  I wish i could say its unusual behavior for me, because I am often very level headed about life.  The truth is that someone that is emotional and passionate like me is prone to these types of things. Does that make me a bad person?

Melancholy

I've been getting frequent visits from my friend melancholy the past couple of days.  If you know me well enough, you understand that and i don't need to explain further. Have a good day.

Sorry, for this is pretty random....

Sometimes i just want to write but don't know what to write about and this is one of those days.  The weather is beautiful here in utah right now.  good tunes are playing from my speakers.  I feel pretty good physically.  I have to say, this is a welcome change from the hecticosity from the past two semesters.  The trees are blooming and i LOVE seeing the green after being stuck in a such a brown world this winter.  One thing is for sure, i do not like utah winters.  It didn't even snow here much, but what with the inversion and brown....i think i got a little depressed.  Speaking of utah, i think i'm leaving.  I'm not one hundred percent sure yet, but i feel that my time here is up for now and that i have new adventures awaiting me back east.  Not really sure what that means or where i'll be, i'm just saying how i feel as of this moment.  I'll let you all know more as i make my decisions.  I'm still registering for classes here just in case i stay.  I went and drove a toyota prius today, and almost bought it.  but i didn't.  i think i'll drive mine til it dies, because honestly my car is a good one and its fun to drive anyway.  plus i've been trying to make smarter financial moves in my life.  at this point i'm just rambling about random subjects.  you should listen to this song.  And this song.  i'm craving a road trip.  i think i'll go walk in the park......

What Makes Me Happy

You know what makes me really happy? Coming home to these beauties in the front yard.  Tulips are my favorite flowers...they literally bring joy to my soul.  Its just such a shame they only stick around for a few weeks, i would love to enjoy them all summer....

Midnight Meditations

Do you ever have those nights where you lie awake all night trying to figure out what the heck is going on with your life? Maybe its because you work so hard and suddenly feel you have nothing to show for it, or you realize you haven't followed your dream, or you realize you can't pay your bills this month....whatever your reason, i think you can agree with me that it isn't the most pleasant experience.  One of my religion professors this semester talked about how one day when we're about 50 we'll lie awake at night and take measure of our lives.  All i could think was "are you kidding me? I do that now!"  Sometimes i feel like a complete failure, almost as if its my destiny to continuously fail at life.  I suppose i will never stop reaching for success, whatever that looks like.  Maybe one day i'll wake up and see that all the failures were indeed successes in some twisted way.  I can tell you one thing, that day is not today.  Its in these moments where we feel completely broken that makes me realize why its necessary....its what keeps us humble, or more specifically me.  These moments allow the Lord to teach me that my life is not measured by what car i have or if i can pay the phone bill this month or what grade i got in my writing class.  Its in knowing that no matter what, life is always doable if I rely on Him. "Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?....for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Mathew 6: 31-33). I take comfort in this scripture because I know that whatever i'm worried about won't kill me, but even if it does I know i'll be okay.

Hope You Don't Mind a Good Ramble

I would like to make an announcement.  I just had my last excruciating thursday!!!!!  No more 10 hours at school immediately followed by 10 hours at work.  Oh how sweet will be my life now that i can have a regular sleep schedule!  Speaking of school ending, i have to admit i'm not 100% satisfied with how i finished the semester.  I don't want to make excuses for myself because I am solely responsible, however i feel that the explanation can be boiled down to one word: BURNOUT.  Total burnout. Want to go play with a friend and shirk all my responsibilities because i can't take it anymore burnout.  Don't worry, its not like i stopped going to school or anything, its just that i didn't finish as strong as i would have liked in two of my classes.  Let this be a lesson learned....I am not meant to be a workaholic.  I need playtime.  And I set myself up because i spent the last...well since i got here....only doing work and school and sleep and panic and not doing things that are good for the balance of my soul.  Do you see the key phrase? BALANCE.  On that note, I'd like to leave you with a rant.  Do you know what really annoys me every single day that i'm at school?  People don't let other people off elevators.  They wait patiently for the elevator, but when it finally opens they can't wait one more possible second to let the person trying to get off at that floor make their exit.  They just barge right in and there is this awkward standoff moment where the person trying to exit starts to feel trapped.  Seriously people.  This happens every day. several times. by different people.  It literally blows my mind.  If you wait 3 minutes for an elevator, whats another 3 seconds?  The doors aren't going to close immediately behind the other person like they do in every spy movie.  And the worst part?  Every time i witness this i have to hold my own hand to keep from snatching that person by the bookbag and pulling them back so that the poor innocent person can get off the elevator.  Grow some common sense.

Not So Bad

You know, life is really interesting. Sometimes i wonder why i struggle with the things i do and why i feel so alone in that struggle. And then i have a moment where i realize (once again), that Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with my life.  I may not understand it, but there is a plan for me.  Despite the fact that sometimes i feel like i've reached my limit, I know He will not give me anything i can't handle.  It is also to shape me into who He knows i can become.  For as much pain and heartbreak that i have felt, I know the joy is that much more exquisite.  And that's not so bad.

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I cannot begin to express how glad i have been to see you lately.  I've been looking forward to your sweet face after a long, ugly winter.  Please feel free to spread your light upon me any time you wish.  My feet have begun to rejoice that they will be freed from their shoes soon and bask in your warm light.  I know you are working hard, but could you please hurry the warmth?  While i love to see you, i really love to feel you too.  Adventures await us....

Forever yours,
Jilly

Stories Untold

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Jill in a Box

I feel like i'm in a box.  A very small one.  As I'm training for the new job and still working at the pizza place the same amount of hours and with school....I just don't feel like i'm going to make it.  4 more weeks.  4.  That's all i have to get through until the semester is over and i can get sleep like a normal person.  I'm torn between being a worn out burned out jilbeez and a grateful happy one.  About three months ago i started longing for the east coast and i haven't been sure whether its because my experience here has been incredibly hard or because I'm really ready to go back there at some point soon.  I just feel kind of done with Utah.  Its nice and all, but its not where i'm supposed to be long term.  So, thus begins the exploration into what this restlessness is i'm feeling and what decisions i need to make.  Will I stay here, or go somewhere else? That is the question....

Just Some Thoughts

Why do i allow myself to be a victim of my own life?

The truth is I do know how to overcome. It may not be the easiest but it is a choice..

a choice to overcome silently, for that is a true hero to me

One who can endure, rise above

and choose positive, self-growth and supreme spirituality over

negativity, poor me and vicitim mud.

Take responsibility, for it is the only way out

It is the doorway out of the darkness and the beginning of a new life

A life where my obstacles are opportunities and i choose the better part.

Where I inspire my world, for that is what i truly want my life to be.

I want to be a beacon of love

I want to be light in darkness

I want to bring happiness, joy and peace

Why I Love My Mom

Well, there are really lots of reasons.  But what i'm really grateful for today is that my mom is there for me.  I kind of made her into my go-to person during panic attacks, and she never really got a say in it.  But you know, when i don't feel well (and lets face it, during attacks i REALLY do not feel well) or when i'm feeling like life is too hard,   i still really just want my mommy.  I don't think that goes away with age, or atleast not yet anyway.  Last night i had a horrible unexpected attack, the worst one i've had in a really long time.  I had to do something or i was going to lose control, and even though i knew it was 5 am there, i needed to call my mom.  I've only done that maybe 2 or 3 times ever, and i always feel horribly for it.  But in the moment there seems to be no other choice.  She picked right up and talked me down, the way only a really great mother could.  So i just want to publicly say how great my mom is for putting up with all my physical nonsense and making me feel better.  Thank you Mom!

Can I Get It?

So i'm working really hard on learning the services i'll be selling in my new job, but i'm still wavering when we do role plays.  ugh. in good news though, my boss says i'm one of the stronger sellers even over my team lead.  That kind of made me feel good. Lets just hope i can handle the phones.

While I'm on the Subject....

While i'm on the subject of relationships (or lack thereof), I'd like to share something i saw on my friend's facebook today.  She said "Being single is like drowning...if you just relax and let it happen it's not so bad."  I thought it was pretty funny.  I think i will use this in the future for my friends who feel discouraged that they are "too old" and not married yet.  While I, like any normal human, want someone by my side to be my companion through life's ups and downs, I don't feel the need to rush.  I figure if i can't find someone in this life who wants to be with me, i'll just wait and let Heavenly Father pick him out for me. In the meantime, i'll just drown.

Huh?

So a few days ago i had a guy that's in a few of my classes ask me "hey jill, you're married right?".....umm...no.  He was like "really? we all thought you were...you just kind of have that married air about you".  What? What exactly is the married "air"?  Does it smell a certain way?  Have any of them realized in the last two months that i never wear a ring or mention my husband when i make comments in class? I asked him why it seemed i was married and he said "well, i guess because you seem really mature or something."  Mature, huh?  Maybe its because i'm at least 5 years older than most of them.  only in utah......

If He Can Do It, I Can Too....Right?

So i was just scrolling my way through cyberspace, and i got to thinking about the constant complaining I do about my relationship with my sleep schedule.  I mean, think on this....Albert Einstein averaged 2 hours of sleep per night for a 15 year span in which time he earned 8 degrees.  Maybe that explains why everyone thought he was crazy and his hair looked like he just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. If he can average 2 hours a night for 15 years, i can handle a measly sleep irregularity for a few semesters, right?

The Countdown Begins

You know what i think of when i see this image? Freedom...warmth....fun....adventures....did i say freedom yet?  Here's the deal.  I only have 6, count 'em, SIX weeks of school left in this semester. whew.  It still feels like a really long time, but i. am. burned. out. big time.  I put in like 75 hours a week right now between work, school and homework and i've been doing it since september. non-stop.  and i'm freakin' tired.  It hasn't been easy thats for sure.  It probably seems harder than it really is because i'm always bouncing back and forth on my sleep times.  For instance, I sleep at night on monday, go to school all day tuesday and work all tuesday night, sleep during the day wednesday, go to one class, take sleeping pills and sleep during the night wednesday, go to 10 holy cow hours of class on thursday and drive straight to work for 10 more hours there, sleep during the day friday, get up just in time to be back at work at 5pm and work all night friday and all night saturday, take a nap and get up sunday for church and then it starts all over.  is your head reeling yet? cuz mine is.  Sometimes i take on a shift sunday night too if a driving one comes up.  What my body really needs is a regular sleep pattern.  Therefore i'm glad to say that i am not taking classes this summer.  Well, its the rest thing plus the fact that i don't want to pay $200 per credit hour without financial aid.  I also decided to try and get out of my job 1) because i don't think i'm cut out for 3rd shift, 2) i really really want to get away from that good-but-not-good-for-you food, and 3) because i hate how the store is managed (or not managed you could say), i'm sick of talking to drunk people all night, and i also want to make more money in less hours.  Sounds fun, right?  And so, i have an interview tomorrow! Wish me luck!  Oh summer...i can feel you.....

Shhh....don't tell...or tell EVERYONE!!!

okay, so i have a little secret.  I've been keeping another blog.  I started it back in September just as a place to write...and then didn't do much past the first two entries.  I since have decided to chronicle my "Odyssey of Health" (as i like to call it) on that blog and use it for a method of accountability.  And so, if you feel the urge (and i hope you do) you can go here to read my story and keep up with my progress. whew....i hope i don't regret this!

Adrenaline Junkie

Well I'm not, but apparently my body is. ugh.  The worst time to have adrenaline coursing through your veins is when you are trying to go to sleep, or are already asleep (as i was... not too long ago) only to be awakened by your body in the midst of it freaking out. excellent.  While my mind is okay, i'm just waiting now for the unnecessary energy to wear off so i can go lay back down.  After all, I really don't want to sleep all day.  I would go outside and walk it off (seeing how it is light out now) but because my body temperature often drops during an attack, being even colder than i am right now is not at all appealing.  Its a good thing my roommate can't hear me down here wearing tracks in the carpet where i pace around my room on a fairly regular basis. I'm not really surprised, though.  I knew i would end up like this at some point tonight.  Let me explain, for lack of better things to do right now...

I pulled up to work around 5 p.m....i opened my car door and stuck my leg out but then remembered it was cold outside so i reached back into my passenger seat to grab a sweatshirt.  As soon as i pulled on my hoodie i turned to finish getting out of the car when suddenly i heard a loud (and surprising) "HEY" (you know the kind when people are trying to scare you, loud and fast) and there was this big guy sticking his head partly in my car.  Even though i recognized my co-worker, it took a while for it to "click".  I immediately felt that all too familiar rush of adrenaline and i just reacted.  I remember shoving him hard (apparently i pushed his head into my car door i found out later...i saw the mark) and yelling at him, probably not using the best language. About this time it finally clicked that this was my friend and i was not being attacked, so then i continued to yell at him saying things like "you know i have a panic problem, why would you even do that, what's wrong with you?" and him saying "i forgot, i forgot i'm so sorry, i forgot!"  He apparently did not appreciate the welt on his head or the yelling because suddenly he was mad at me and stormed off.  Honestly i felt bad for getting on to him like that, but here i was now trying to start my shift with a full blown panic attack going on (not my mind, just my body...its so much better when my mind is calm!) and i felt really violated.  Its hard enough having them frequently on the weekends, but its just not fair when its caused by someone else and i was doing just fine and in a good mood.  The adrenaline did come in handy as we were really busy, however, and he did come by later to apologize and give me a hug.  He promised not to do that anymore (yeah right...he's always trying to scare people).  I don't mind if you scare me a little, but don't come at me like an attacker because i won't be responsible if your head becomes acquanted with my car door again. just saying. maybe i can go lay down now....

Blast from the Past

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today.  But, nevertheless, i am.  Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me.  I don't know.  I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually.  It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas.  It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts.  As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now.  For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day.  I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all.  I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years.  But thats not the entry that caught my eye.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should.  I hope someone finds something in it they need.  I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy.  It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain.  It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth.  Today has been such a day.  As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31.  It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives.  I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply.  If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that.  I don't think i could love less and be happy.  After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy.  Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels.  He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back.  My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal.  But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him.  I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.

Strange Occurance

Obviously by now most of us here know that i have been coping with a panic disorder for almost the last two years.  While it is the farthest thing from enjoyment for me, I have also been grateful for the lessons i've learned and the growth i've had while struggling with this.  I've found that recently they come on when i'm overly tired, so i usually expect them on the weekends after i've had a full week of school and work and i'm feeling drained.  Since i had only 6 hours of sleep in about a 72 hour period, its really no wonder it was rearing its ugly head last night.  I think i've stumbled on a great way for me to deal with them in the moment.  I was pulling double duty last night as both a manager and a delivery driver...i would take several deliveries, come back in the store and manage for about an hour, then hit the road again.  It was probably somewhere around 2:30a.m. when i was out driving and suddenly my mouth started to go numb.  This was the dialogue (out loud, mind you. luckily it was just  me in the car):

"Okay, mr. panic, i'm only giving you 20 seconds to do your thing and thats it. I've got better things to do with my brain space tonight, so bring it on 'cause  you don't have long. 20...19 (i was counting out loud)...18...17...seriously this is all you got?...16...15...14...you're telling me all you can pull off tonight is a measly mouth numbness?....13....12....11....really this is kinda pitiful, i mean, you've made half my body go numb before. surely you can do better than this....10....9....8...you're running out of time....7...6...5...if you're gonna bring it you better do it now....4....3...2...1. Sorry, time's up."

Jill: 1, Panic: 0.  yeah, thats what i thought punk.

Apparently talking to my panic and inviting it or even wanting it to come kept it from doing just that.  who knew.

Salty Fish Anyone?

So after 8 years of working in the pizza industry, i finally let one of my drivers talk me into trying anchovies at work tonight.  That's right, never had one. ever.  but being the sardine lover that i am (bet most of ya didn't know that one, did ya?) i thought...how different can it be?  I've heard how salty they are, so i was prepared for that...or so i thought.  I'm here to tell you....they are SAAAAALLLLTTTYYYY!!!!!!  My goodness, it literally made me gag.  Well, that and the flavor itself.  I figure my willingness to put my poor taste buds on the fishy front lines is a sign of bigger things to come.  First stop anchovies, next stop the white house.  At least i lived to tell the tail. (pun intended)

Eureka!

You know how it is when you are just sitting there and suddenly have that light bulb go off in your head randomly, and you realize something you should have thought of a long time ago?  well, welcome to my day yesterday.  I won't lie, i've been kind of throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so. the theme?  the busy-ness of my life and how it overwhelms me.  its been a nice party, complete with streamers and party hats and those things that roll out and whistle when you blow.  But alas, its time for it to come to an end and for my guests to go home.  I was sitting in church yesterday, tired from working all night and tired just thinking about the night of work to come.  We were blessed to have a choir visiting from california that sang original songs about Christ.  Oh the songs were so beautiful! One was about the plan of salvation, one was about overcoming adversity.  The two speakers were asked to speak about adversity as well.  As i sat listening to this, i suddenly realized that i needed a huge attitude adjustment.  The reality is i have three options. I can quit school (not an option), I can go about my schedule being miserable and complaining about it, or i can find joy in my journey and realize that this is all leading me towards my future and my goals.  I think the latter will suffice.  And so, I choose to find happiness in where i am at this moment in my life, being grateful for the many generous blessings my loving Father in Heaven bestows upon me on a daily basis. Take that, Mr. Adversity....go stalk someone who cares.

Random Thoughts

I decided my blog needed a makeover. I have a hard time leaving anything the way it is for any lengthy period of time...i figure a year is long enough. Let me give you an example...growing up i shared a room with my sister for most of my childhood. We could never leave our room setup the way it was for very long, in fact i think sometimes we rearranged it every week. We typically would draw up the blueprints during sacrament meeting (hey, atleast we stayed semi-quiet) of where all of the furniture would go, then we would go home and implement the changes. There were several good things about this...first of all, it usually meant our room got really clean during the process. My sister was good about keeping her part of the room clean, but i..well..lets just say i was a little more relaxed. Another good thing about this process is that it kept us occupied on sunday afternoon. After all, Sundays can be hard for kids because of all the expected "quietness".

That reminds me, i need to rearrange my room.

Something else i've been thinking alot about lately is how lucky i am to have the siblings i do. I never really appreciated it until i became an adult, but siblings are great because they are built in friends. There is comfort in knowing that after all of the friends that have come and gone in life, there are people in my life that are constant, and that will love me no matter what. They know who i am and love me for me. It just doesn't get much better than that. That goes for parents too. Funny how the people that you once thought (in the teenage haze years) were ruining your life become your best friends later on. I guess Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with all that family talk...imagine that. ;)

Just a Hello

Well, i guess it has been quite the while since i posted. The truth is, i think of things i want to write about ALL the time. I think i even start to write them in my head as if i was actually typing it. So, you may ask, why are not any of these posts on my blog? Because i don't have access to my laptop for a while, and i'm not at school as much as i was last semester and therefore spend less time in the computer lab. About a week after buying the laptop from my friend, the ac adaptor shorted out (there were actually wires sticking out of it..can we say fire hazard?). No prob, the computer is still under warranty, and therefore they assure us a new adaptor is in the mail...keeping me from having to spend $70 on one. But it is taking forever. Seriously it needs to hurry. You know what else needs to hurry? My student loan. I never knew the mail within one city could take so long!

While i'm here, i might as well tell you that all is pretty well in Jill-Land. I love all of my classes (except my business writing class...i would rather eat razor blades...), work is going as well as i could expect it to...etc. i do feel somewhat overwhelmed anyway, although i'm not really sure why. Maybe i'm just craving the warm spring air so i can be outside, because let me tell you, Utah is not that easy on the eyes during the winter...atleast Salt Lake isn't. Usually its covered in a gloomy haze due to the wonderfulness that is "inversion". Or maybe my schedule is wearing me down because i feel like i have no time to just have fun, or the extra cash to do so. Whatever it is, I'm trying to pinpoint it so i can make strides to get out of the winter blues. That said, there are two things i recommend to you:
1) If you listen to pandora.com, listen to the "citizen cope" channel for a while. you won't be sorry.
2) Watch "undercover boss", the new reality show about big time corporate CEO's who disguise themselves among their ordinary workers to find out what its really like at different levels in their company. INSPIRING. really, it will change your life.

Rants and Raves and Rambles

You know how you have some days where every single pet peave you have seems to stare at you in the face? Well, i've determined that all it takes to have this experience is a trip to the local Walmart. Annoyance #1: stupid people in general. I'll break this down for you in my following list of grievances.
PEOPLE ON ESCALATORS: I understand that some people are too tired/sick/lazy to walk down stairs, and thus want to hang out on the moving staircase. i get it. I like escalators because they help me walk down (or up) the stairs faster-than-your-average-jilbeez. Therefore, please observe proper etiquette by hanging to the right so i can pass on the left. This will keep me from having to yell "LEFT" in order to pass you, and thus feeling like Tea Leoni in "Spanglish".
PEOPLE THAT THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM: no, i do not also feel that you deserve a red carpet wherever you place your blessed feet. You do not deserve to cut in line in front of everyone, nor special treatment for any reason. Just buy your things and move along please, so this urge I have to kick you in the shins will pass.
PEOPLE THAT ARE ALWAYS IN THE WAY: I swear the same two ladies blocked my path atleast 3 times during this trip to walmart in three different areas of the store, which only lasted about 10 minutes. AND, i should note that they are the type that DO. NOT. MOVE. and look at you like "this is my world and you best find another way through". I'll leave the physical description of these two women to your imagination because i know you've experienced this too. I have about three more annoyances dealing with the parking lot, but i'll spare you the torture. I will say that for the first time in three weeks, i have a day off! actually i have two. Apparently my boss finally realized i needed a break because i was starting to be mean to the customers. Just picture Bill Cosby in "Ghost Dad" coming through the phone to choke the boyfriend. Thats what i want to do every time a customer asks "what's your specials". okay, i'm done with my rant, rave and ramble. I'm off to enjoy my time with joseph, katie and claire....

This made my day

Love this version of "i'm yours" by Jason Mraz. In fact i like it better than the original :) By the way, i totally sing like this when i'm by myself and don't know the words to a song...