Changes

Some changes need to be made... i've been in a huge inquiry about me and my life for some time now. I've really struggled the last couple of years within myself about the difference between where i am and where i want to be. Often the distance seems so great that i become overwhelmed and discouraged. As I was pondering tonight about how i'm currently living my life and who i'm being, i realized something that i think i've known but haven't clearly identified...i'm not living my life, i'm surviving it. Somewhere along the way in these past few years i lost my ability to fully live and create my world and be responsible for it. Instead i've been wrapped up in being "too busy". Too busy to get appropriate amounts of rest, too busy to be physically active, too busy to fuel my body in healthy ways, too busy to have a social life, too busy to be as involved in church activities as i'd like to be. Too busy to serve. And all of this busy-ness has caused me to become incredibly unbalanced in my life. Yes, my job is all-consuming most of the time. Yes, sometimes that means i don't get enough sleep. I've had to work sundays, and i work most nights so it really hinders spending time with friends almost at all. But the real reality is i don't manage my time well. I do work alot of hours, but i still have plenty of time that i waste doing, well, nothing. or nothing that really matters anyway. When i do the math after taking out my average of 60 hours of work a week and allotting myself an average of 7 hours sleep a night (which i almost never get, but here's to hoping), i'm left with 7.5 hours a day. I think about that 7.5 hours and i honestly can't tell you what i do during that time. Sure, some of it is spent eating, showering, running errands....but what else do i do? nothing. while doing nothing is necessary sometimes and probably best for me to have a little bit each day, i waste too much life sitting on my couch or on my laptop or....i don't really know what. And i just feel done. Done hiding, done sitting, done being a survivor of my life and not the creator of it. Done sabotaging myself for the sake of self-destruction. Who i am being at this stage of my life is not who i am. Who i really am is strong, loving, commited to living a life of passion and self-expression and creativity. Who i am is spritual, healthy and inspiring. I want to be who i feel i'm meant to be in this world. I have no idea how to shed my survival skin and start living again, but i know it can be done. And i promise you i will figure it out....