Blast from the Past

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today.  But, nevertheless, i am.  Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me.  I don't know.  I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually.  It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas.  It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts.  As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now.  For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day.  I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all.  I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years.  But thats not the entry that caught my eye.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should.  I hope someone finds something in it they need.  I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy.  It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain.  It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth.  Today has been such a day.  As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31.  It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives.  I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply.  If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that.  I don't think i could love less and be happy.  After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy.  Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels.  He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back.  My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal.  But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him.  I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.