Listening to My Body

It's an interesting thing that happens when you start trying to change habits.  First comes the rock bottomish place that makes you wake up and actually be ready to act on change. Then comes the initial excitement and gung-ho-ness as you jump right in to your plan of action.  Then, as i'm re-learning tonight, comes what i like to call the "inbetween."  The inbetween is the space where you are getting into your new habits and really starting to enjoy them, but then you have this craving for the old. You start having this internal conversation with yourself where your mind says "well really you could just watch one more show and then do some reading" or "You want chocolate? Go ahead and go get some...once won't really hurt. You can start over again tomorrow."  But i have to ask...how many tomorrow's are there really going to be? Am i going to wake up tomorrow guilt-free and joyful that i relented on my new tv rule for myself or that i gave in to sugar?  Or will i feel sullen for once again proving to myself that i'm weak and can't change...that i'm stuck being miserable and disappointed in myself forever.  Not to mention how sick i will feel because i ate sugar or bread (which has been happening to me EVERYTIME i eat it lately, btw...body trying to tell me something? My mom is worried i'm in the early stages of Celiac) In case you didn't know, this is THE moment. The moment where i get to decide where my loyalties lie...to my true self or the part of me that wants to hide and wallow in my own suffering and victim-ness.  And then i remember how the last few years have felt for me. For the past three years, i've spent most of my time slipping back into bad habits that i'd worked so hard to change and made them worse. I've gained atleast 60 pounds, reclaimed my addiction to food and caffeine, suffered from regular panic attacks that have been soul-crushing, struggled with my spirituality, developed bad bouts of insomnia and anxiety...really the list could go on.  The hardest part, though, is the disappointment in myself for all of it. Why? Because they are all things that i can control.  Well, except maybe the panic attack thing...i can't seem to control those. I can choose to put healthy things in my body so i not only physically feel better, but i feel better about myself.  i can choose to get back into a regular exercise routine (which i love to do and in turn reduces stress, which then reduces my panic attacks AND helps me sleep better. duh, jill).  I can choose to break-up (again) with caffeine, which also sometimes triggers panic attacks.  I can make it a top priority to spend meaningful time everyday in the scriptures and having daily sincere prayer.  I have indeed been working at doing these things and i am starting to feel a difference within myself.  Its a slow change...some of them are coming easier than others...but for the first time in a while i really do feel like i'm headed for the jill that i love being.  So, what about the "inbetween?"  Interestingly enough, when my mind started clammering for the old ways that lead to self-loathing, it turned out that as i seriously thought about giving in i realized i didn't actually have a desire to eat junk and watch tv. If i quiet down and listen to my body, what i really want to do is go lay in bed and read my new book until i fall asleep...despite the fact that its earlier than my normal bedtime.  Maybe if i spend more effort listening to my body instead of that self-sabotage gland in my brain (i don't care if you think it doesn't exist, you'll never prove it to me because i totally have it), it will be easier to get back to good habits that have me be a healthy, happy Jilbeez.