Melancholy

I've been getting frequent visits from my friend melancholy the past couple of days.  If you know me well enough, you understand that and i don't need to explain further. Have a good day.

Sorry, for this is pretty random....

Sometimes i just want to write but don't know what to write about and this is one of those days.  The weather is beautiful here in utah right now.  good tunes are playing from my speakers.  I feel pretty good physically.  I have to say, this is a welcome change from the hecticosity from the past two semesters.  The trees are blooming and i LOVE seeing the green after being stuck in a such a brown world this winter.  One thing is for sure, i do not like utah winters.  It didn't even snow here much, but what with the inversion and brown....i think i got a little depressed.  Speaking of utah, i think i'm leaving.  I'm not one hundred percent sure yet, but i feel that my time here is up for now and that i have new adventures awaiting me back east.  Not really sure what that means or where i'll be, i'm just saying how i feel as of this moment.  I'll let you all know more as i make my decisions.  I'm still registering for classes here just in case i stay.  I went and drove a toyota prius today, and almost bought it.  but i didn't.  i think i'll drive mine til it dies, because honestly my car is a good one and its fun to drive anyway.  plus i've been trying to make smarter financial moves in my life.  at this point i'm just rambling about random subjects.  you should listen to this song.  And this song.  i'm craving a road trip.  i think i'll go walk in the park......

What Makes Me Happy

You know what makes me really happy? Coming home to these beauties in the front yard.  Tulips are my favorite flowers...they literally bring joy to my soul.  Its just such a shame they only stick around for a few weeks, i would love to enjoy them all summer....

Midnight Meditations

Do you ever have those nights where you lie awake all night trying to figure out what the heck is going on with your life? Maybe its because you work so hard and suddenly feel you have nothing to show for it, or you realize you haven't followed your dream, or you realize you can't pay your bills this month....whatever your reason, i think you can agree with me that it isn't the most pleasant experience.  One of my religion professors this semester talked about how one day when we're about 50 we'll lie awake at night and take measure of our lives.  All i could think was "are you kidding me? I do that now!"  Sometimes i feel like a complete failure, almost as if its my destiny to continuously fail at life.  I suppose i will never stop reaching for success, whatever that looks like.  Maybe one day i'll wake up and see that all the failures were indeed successes in some twisted way.  I can tell you one thing, that day is not today.  Its in these moments where we feel completely broken that makes me realize why its necessary....its what keeps us humble, or more specifically me.  These moments allow the Lord to teach me that my life is not measured by what car i have or if i can pay the phone bill this month or what grade i got in my writing class.  Its in knowing that no matter what, life is always doable if I rely on Him. "Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?....for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Mathew 6: 31-33). I take comfort in this scripture because I know that whatever i'm worried about won't kill me, but even if it does I know i'll be okay.

Hope You Don't Mind a Good Ramble

I would like to make an announcement.  I just had my last excruciating thursday!!!!!  No more 10 hours at school immediately followed by 10 hours at work.  Oh how sweet will be my life now that i can have a regular sleep schedule!  Speaking of school ending, i have to admit i'm not 100% satisfied with how i finished the semester.  I don't want to make excuses for myself because I am solely responsible, however i feel that the explanation can be boiled down to one word: BURNOUT.  Total burnout. Want to go play with a friend and shirk all my responsibilities because i can't take it anymore burnout.  Don't worry, its not like i stopped going to school or anything, its just that i didn't finish as strong as i would have liked in two of my classes.  Let this be a lesson learned....I am not meant to be a workaholic.  I need playtime.  And I set myself up because i spent the last...well since i got here....only doing work and school and sleep and panic and not doing things that are good for the balance of my soul.  Do you see the key phrase? BALANCE.  On that note, I'd like to leave you with a rant.  Do you know what really annoys me every single day that i'm at school?  People don't let other people off elevators.  They wait patiently for the elevator, but when it finally opens they can't wait one more possible second to let the person trying to get off at that floor make their exit.  They just barge right in and there is this awkward standoff moment where the person trying to exit starts to feel trapped.  Seriously people.  This happens every day. several times. by different people.  It literally blows my mind.  If you wait 3 minutes for an elevator, whats another 3 seconds?  The doors aren't going to close immediately behind the other person like they do in every spy movie.  And the worst part?  Every time i witness this i have to hold my own hand to keep from snatching that person by the bookbag and pulling them back so that the poor innocent person can get off the elevator.  Grow some common sense.

Not So Bad

You know, life is really interesting. Sometimes i wonder why i struggle with the things i do and why i feel so alone in that struggle. And then i have a moment where i realize (once again), that Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with my life.  I may not understand it, but there is a plan for me.  Despite the fact that sometimes i feel like i've reached my limit, I know He will not give me anything i can't handle.  It is also to shape me into who He knows i can become.  For as much pain and heartbreak that i have felt, I know the joy is that much more exquisite.  And that's not so bad.

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I cannot begin to express how glad i have been to see you lately.  I've been looking forward to your sweet face after a long, ugly winter.  Please feel free to spread your light upon me any time you wish.  My feet have begun to rejoice that they will be freed from their shoes soon and bask in your warm light.  I know you are working hard, but could you please hurry the warmth?  While i love to see you, i really love to feel you too.  Adventures await us....

Forever yours,
Jilly

Stories Untold

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Jill in a Box

I feel like i'm in a box.  A very small one.  As I'm training for the new job and still working at the pizza place the same amount of hours and with school....I just don't feel like i'm going to make it.  4 more weeks.  4.  That's all i have to get through until the semester is over and i can get sleep like a normal person.  I'm torn between being a worn out burned out jilbeez and a grateful happy one.  About three months ago i started longing for the east coast and i haven't been sure whether its because my experience here has been incredibly hard or because I'm really ready to go back there at some point soon.  I just feel kind of done with Utah.  Its nice and all, but its not where i'm supposed to be long term.  So, thus begins the exploration into what this restlessness is i'm feeling and what decisions i need to make.  Will I stay here, or go somewhere else? That is the question....

Just Some Thoughts

Why do i allow myself to be a victim of my own life?

The truth is I do know how to overcome. It may not be the easiest but it is a choice..

a choice to overcome silently, for that is a true hero to me

One who can endure, rise above

and choose positive, self-growth and supreme spirituality over

negativity, poor me and vicitim mud.

Take responsibility, for it is the only way out

It is the doorway out of the darkness and the beginning of a new life

A life where my obstacles are opportunities and i choose the better part.

Where I inspire my world, for that is what i truly want my life to be.

I want to be a beacon of love

I want to be light in darkness

I want to bring happiness, joy and peace