Harmonious Addictions

Okay, i realize that i'm really bombing on this whole blogging thing. But whatever. I really just wanted to pop my head in real quick and give you a few songs to listen to that i'm currently in love with. Enjoy.

Sufjan Stevens also does a great version (or atleast i think so) of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" so go to youtube and check him out.



I almost couldn't find a link for this one, but here it is so just click "play"

Back to the Future

I guess its time for an update. Alot has gone on for me these past few weeks regarding where i've been and where i'm headed. Let's just say Heavenly Father knows something i don't, and thank goodness for that. Here's a quick recap: three weeks ago my job fell through in Maryland and i started to feel like my time there was done. I felt like i wanted to go back to school and that i should move home for the summer. I moved home within the week and have been visiting people and helping my sister out with her kids. I've been contemplating which school i'd like to go to...and after research and a visit to the temple i know i'm supposed to go to Salt Lake City and go to LDS Business College this fall. yikes. There is a whole lot of change going on in my world in a very short period of time that i did not anticipate AT ALL. I'm excited yet hesitant. I still feel broken-hearted about leaving maryland and my ward there. I'm making new friends at home, getting quickly attached to my sister's kids (and my sister), and having fun catching up with old friends....which will rip my heart out ONCE AGAIN when i have to leave for SLC. I suppose all of this moving around would be easier if i didn't get so attached to people. The new love of my life is Paige...i mean i LOVE all my sister's kids but i've really fallen in love with Paige, even if she is a full time job. I love that she lights up when i walk in the house and she wants to be with me almost the whole time i'm there. I also love that Jamison and Sierra have really warmed up to me and actually want to let me play with them and even snug up to me sometimes. At any rate, i'm just going to have a hard time moving out there when it is time. But i'm EXCITED for the new chapter in my life, for being closer to joseph, katie and claire (and my cousins out there), and just for being in a new place where i can meet new people and grow to be a better Jill. There's a lot of uncertainty...mostly the financial piece. But i'm putting my trust in the Lord to guide me and open doors as i obey His will. And besides...i always like a good adventure.

A Love Affair

Most people that know me well understand that i'm in love with music. I don't always play it as much as i would like to, but even when i'm not playing or listening to it you can be assured that there is some kind of song in my head. There are a few songs that i'm really crushing on right now, so i thought i'd share them. Enjoy.

Fond Farewell

I just finished packing up my car...something my tetris skills came in handy for. Wow my room looks EMPTY. I have to say it feels a little weird, just like it always does before i leave a place of abode for another. I generally have a hard time sleeping on nights before a departure so i'm hoping that this night will be an exception. Atleast the Anderson's are gone...i get to skip that round of goodbyes. But i'm now more sure than ever that its time for me to move on, time for me to go to another place where i can experience growth, where i can hopefully make a difference in my small part of the world. Change is hard for me, but at the same time i adapt quickly. I feel a bit like a yo-yo this last year or so...especially because i know i'm only in winston for the summer and don't know where i'll end up after that. I feel like i have an idea but i'll keep that to myself for now. I've been so lucky to live in a place so beautiful with an incredible family that i've grown to love so much. Goodbye Maryland, i will miss you. I'll be sure to come back and visit.

I'm Possibly Going Insane. Period.

In the famous words of the band 311: "I'm all mixed up, I don't know what to do". I hear ya man. Seriously, my mind is playing judo tricks on me and i'm here, there and everywhere. Hope you all don't mind if i ramble a bit. Today I went to this lovely place:

And i'm pretty sure i got an answer to prayer. But that decision is really hard for me to accept and i'm experiencing a high level of anguish over it. I guess its because i feel like i should be excited about it and just feel at peace and be ready to go. The truth is, I'm not. Maybe i'm still a little shell shocked at how this just played out. Maybe i'm in mourning because I've grown emotionally attached to the Andersons. Maybe i'm scared to go back to winston because it makes me feel like a failure...like i'm running back home because its comfortable, even though thats not really true (although i keep trying to do a mental check to make sure thats not what i'm doing and i'm skeptical). And maybe I'm scared to go back because I don't feel like its permanent and I have no idea where to go from there. There's way to many unknowns for comfort. And I don't, I repeat DON'T want to get comfortable in winston and end up staying there. And i'm scared i'll get back into my same ole rut and set up camp. I guess i feel wrong for struggling so much over this. Should it be this big a deal? Or am I making it so much harder than it should be? I just want my mind to be quiet so I can truly listen. The problem is, I just don't trust myself. I always worry i'm making the wrong decision because i'm afraid of the outcome if i accidentally do. But if i'm trying to make the right one and i'm pouring my heart and soul into it, then i can trust that i'm making the right one...right? Advice or thoughts please. And in the words of Wanda Sykes "I am sick sick sick...and I am tired. I am sick and tired." Me too wanda, me too. This drama is wearing me out.

My friend Jill

This is my friend Jill. Isn't she cute? I used to know her really well. She has white blonde hair, often pulled up in pigtails (sorry, i couldn't locate a pigtail picture) and rosy red cheeks ripe for the pinching. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her, just a turn around the corner ahead of me...you know, when you can see the back of someone for just a second before they make that next turn? Every once in a while she comes to hang out with me, sometimes staying a week or even longer if I'm lucky enough. Most often, however, our encounters are short colorful bursts of brilliance and freedom...when i feel grounded and safe and that all is right with my world. Please Jilly, come back and play. We can hold hands and skip rope....

My Life, Interrupted

We all know (all to well i'm sure) that life never really goes as planned. This seems especially true for me. constantly. I like to look at it as batting practice to get me ready for the next big game. Because i've learned that once one trial is seemingly in the clear another is right around the corner to smack me upside my head when i'm not looking. dang it. While i know there are lessons to be learned and a grateful attitude to be had, some days i feel like all i'm left with is black eyes and bruises. Are you with me? I'm sure i'm not alone in this feeling. I know things could be SO much worse for me, but my heart doesn't seem to share that same sentiment. I'm ready to run away to that island i keep dreaming about. I sure would like some company...any takers?

A Fond Farewell

Well, its done. I finally paid this thing off today. This is what it looked like after its spring break adventure in daytona beach:



I'm not really sure how i feel about it right now. I mean sure, I'm ecstatic to no longer have a car payment for a car i don't have. But it just feels....weird. I don't know. When I was on the phone making the final payment, the girl said to me "i bet you are sure glad to have this thing out from under you, huh?" UNDERSTATEMENT. And then she said "well ms. brewer, in about 10 to 14 days you will receive your title in the mail." All i could think was I DON'T WANT THE FREAKIN TITLE!!!!!! I mean seriously... what good does that do me? Maybe a keepsake to remind me of all the great times i've had in the aftermath of it all. Now i'm just sickly, broke, and tired. I bid you adieu.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this...

Except for that i feel the need. Not for sympathy, but just to be heard and acknowledged or to atleast spread some education about me to those I love. I hesitate because I fear that I will be met with judgements...judgements about my mental stability. I never promised that my blog would only feature feel good things. Because the truth about me is that i'm deeply emotional and I'm not the type to hold it all in. For the past year, I've really struggled with panic attacks. To learn more about them go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack. I have had them in a few different episodes throughout my life, with years in between. But these have been frequent and long lasting....basically torture. I'm not trying to be dramatic. If any of you have ever experienced the intensity of one you know what i mean. Otherwise it is hard to fully grasp and understand. They often have no trigger and come without warning. I mostly get them at night when I am relaxed. But an article I read recently helped me understand that in order to conquer this thing I need to accept it instead of fighting it so hard. Because whether I like it or not it is a part of me and I don't know how long it will stay. I felt like sharing the article with you so here it is:
This from Dr. Claire Weekes, the late anxiety expert:
On Recovery: "The person practicing acceptance passes gradually from being terrified and dreading panic to disliking it, then from disliking to finding it no longer mattering. This does not mean that panic no longer comes. It takes time for no-longer-mattering to bring no panic. It is important to realize that panic can still flash and no longer matter. This is the beginning of recovery.
We should not feel lesser human beings because we happen to be afraid in certain circumstances. Coping though frightened is true courage.
Even when you can do things you previouisly could not do, memory may sometimes encourage that old demon, panic, to rattle his chains. However, the rattling gradually grows less and less as you cope with it the right way, until it finally fades and is only a thought without too much upsetting bodily reaction.
When you can live in peace with the memory of what you have been through and if, when times of stress bring back your old symptoms, you can accept these and not let them upset you too much, not let them disrupt your life, then you can say you are cured.
Recovery means that although symptoms can return under stress, there is a deep inner feeling of peace because the symptoms have come to no longer matter.
For recovery, the sufferer must have, deep within himself, a special voice that says during any setback or dark moment, "It's all right, you've been here before. You know the way out, You can do it again. It works, you know it works!" That voice speaks with authority and brings comfort only when it has been earned by the sufferer himself, and it can be earned only by making the symptoms and experience that torture no longer matter. No-longer-mattering is the key."

This really brought comfort and hope to me. I hope you never have to experience panic attacks, but if you do or have in the past I hope you find support in knowing there are others out there who suffer with you, silently (most people don't talk about it...you may have people close to you who suffer them and you'd never know). It doesn't mean you are "crazy" or unstable. In my case it is directly related to post traumatic stress syndrome, but people develop them for various reasons. If this has made you uncomfortable, I apologize...but the truth is they are real. They are real for me. And they are exhausting. Goodnight.

Back here again

I'm back here again folks. You know, that place where you aren't really sure what your near future looks like? Well that is where I currently dwell. I recently received the news that the snow season is in fact over and now...drumroll please...i must find a job. crap. I guess I knew this day could come but I secretly (well, maybe not so secretly) hoped that we would have a good enough season for me to continue to be paid throughout the summer. 'Tis not so my good lads. Thus I am thrown into the dog days of job hunting with hundreds of other villagers trying to find something that pays somewhat decent. I'll be the first one to tell you that I really really despise looking for a job. With a passion. And here's why....at first it can be fairly exciting thinking of new possibilities (to be honest, I like changing what I do from time to time because I get incredibly bored doing the same thing day to day). But pretty soon leads start to dry out and I get hit with panic about being able to make my car payment or whatever bills I may have. Don't these employers know that I can learn pretty much anything? Don't they know that I'm a hard worker and personable? The reality is they don't, unfortunately, which brings me to my next topic of loathing....interviews. I really like being the interviewer, but not so much on the other side of that desk. I always wonder what their impression of me is and what they are thinking about me. Just give me the job already, I won't let you down. Ugh. I'm frustrated. I gotta go.