Not So Bad

You know, life is really interesting. Sometimes i wonder why i struggle with the things i do and why i feel so alone in that struggle. And then i have a moment where i realize (once again), that Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with my life.  I may not understand it, but there is a plan for me.  Despite the fact that sometimes i feel like i've reached my limit, I know He will not give me anything i can't handle.  It is also to shape me into who He knows i can become.  For as much pain and heartbreak that i have felt, I know the joy is that much more exquisite.  And that's not so bad.

Dear Sunshine

Dear Sunshine,

I cannot begin to express how glad i have been to see you lately.  I've been looking forward to your sweet face after a long, ugly winter.  Please feel free to spread your light upon me any time you wish.  My feet have begun to rejoice that they will be freed from their shoes soon and bask in your warm light.  I know you are working hard, but could you please hurry the warmth?  While i love to see you, i really love to feel you too.  Adventures await us....

Forever yours,
Jilly

Stories Untold

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Jill in a Box

I feel like i'm in a box.  A very small one.  As I'm training for the new job and still working at the pizza place the same amount of hours and with school....I just don't feel like i'm going to make it.  4 more weeks.  4.  That's all i have to get through until the semester is over and i can get sleep like a normal person.  I'm torn between being a worn out burned out jilbeez and a grateful happy one.  About three months ago i started longing for the east coast and i haven't been sure whether its because my experience here has been incredibly hard or because I'm really ready to go back there at some point soon.  I just feel kind of done with Utah.  Its nice and all, but its not where i'm supposed to be long term.  So, thus begins the exploration into what this restlessness is i'm feeling and what decisions i need to make.  Will I stay here, or go somewhere else? That is the question....

Just Some Thoughts

Why do i allow myself to be a victim of my own life?

The truth is I do know how to overcome. It may not be the easiest but it is a choice..

a choice to overcome silently, for that is a true hero to me

One who can endure, rise above

and choose positive, self-growth and supreme spirituality over

negativity, poor me and vicitim mud.

Take responsibility, for it is the only way out

It is the doorway out of the darkness and the beginning of a new life

A life where my obstacles are opportunities and i choose the better part.

Where I inspire my world, for that is what i truly want my life to be.

I want to be a beacon of love

I want to be light in darkness

I want to bring happiness, joy and peace

Why I Love My Mom

Well, there are really lots of reasons.  But what i'm really grateful for today is that my mom is there for me.  I kind of made her into my go-to person during panic attacks, and she never really got a say in it.  But you know, when i don't feel well (and lets face it, during attacks i REALLY do not feel well) or when i'm feeling like life is too hard,   i still really just want my mommy.  I don't think that goes away with age, or atleast not yet anyway.  Last night i had a horrible unexpected attack, the worst one i've had in a really long time.  I had to do something or i was going to lose control, and even though i knew it was 5 am there, i needed to call my mom.  I've only done that maybe 2 or 3 times ever, and i always feel horribly for it.  But in the moment there seems to be no other choice.  She picked right up and talked me down, the way only a really great mother could.  So i just want to publicly say how great my mom is for putting up with all my physical nonsense and making me feel better.  Thank you Mom!

Can I Get It?

So i'm working really hard on learning the services i'll be selling in my new job, but i'm still wavering when we do role plays.  ugh. in good news though, my boss says i'm one of the stronger sellers even over my team lead.  That kind of made me feel good. Lets just hope i can handle the phones.

While I'm on the Subject....

While i'm on the subject of relationships (or lack thereof), I'd like to share something i saw on my friend's facebook today.  She said "Being single is like drowning...if you just relax and let it happen it's not so bad."  I thought it was pretty funny.  I think i will use this in the future for my friends who feel discouraged that they are "too old" and not married yet.  While I, like any normal human, want someone by my side to be my companion through life's ups and downs, I don't feel the need to rush.  I figure if i can't find someone in this life who wants to be with me, i'll just wait and let Heavenly Father pick him out for me. In the meantime, i'll just drown.

Huh?

So a few days ago i had a guy that's in a few of my classes ask me "hey jill, you're married right?".....umm...no.  He was like "really? we all thought you were...you just kind of have that married air about you".  What? What exactly is the married "air"?  Does it smell a certain way?  Have any of them realized in the last two months that i never wear a ring or mention my husband when i make comments in class? I asked him why it seemed i was married and he said "well, i guess because you seem really mature or something."  Mature, huh?  Maybe its because i'm at least 5 years older than most of them.  only in utah......

If He Can Do It, I Can Too....Right?

So i was just scrolling my way through cyberspace, and i got to thinking about the constant complaining I do about my relationship with my sleep schedule.  I mean, think on this....Albert Einstein averaged 2 hours of sleep per night for a 15 year span in which time he earned 8 degrees.  Maybe that explains why everyone thought he was crazy and his hair looked like he just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. If he can average 2 hours a night for 15 years, i can handle a measly sleep irregularity for a few semesters, right?

The Countdown Begins

You know what i think of when i see this image? Freedom...warmth....fun....adventures....did i say freedom yet?  Here's the deal.  I only have 6, count 'em, SIX weeks of school left in this semester. whew.  It still feels like a really long time, but i. am. burned. out. big time.  I put in like 75 hours a week right now between work, school and homework and i've been doing it since september. non-stop.  and i'm freakin' tired.  It hasn't been easy thats for sure.  It probably seems harder than it really is because i'm always bouncing back and forth on my sleep times.  For instance, I sleep at night on monday, go to school all day tuesday and work all tuesday night, sleep during the day wednesday, go to one class, take sleeping pills and sleep during the night wednesday, go to 10 holy cow hours of class on thursday and drive straight to work for 10 more hours there, sleep during the day friday, get up just in time to be back at work at 5pm and work all night friday and all night saturday, take a nap and get up sunday for church and then it starts all over.  is your head reeling yet? cuz mine is.  Sometimes i take on a shift sunday night too if a driving one comes up.  What my body really needs is a regular sleep pattern.  Therefore i'm glad to say that i am not taking classes this summer.  Well, its the rest thing plus the fact that i don't want to pay $200 per credit hour without financial aid.  I also decided to try and get out of my job 1) because i don't think i'm cut out for 3rd shift, 2) i really really want to get away from that good-but-not-good-for-you food, and 3) because i hate how the store is managed (or not managed you could say), i'm sick of talking to drunk people all night, and i also want to make more money in less hours.  Sounds fun, right?  And so, i have an interview tomorrow! Wish me luck!  Oh summer...i can feel you.....

Shhh....don't tell...or tell EVERYONE!!!

okay, so i have a little secret.  I've been keeping another blog.  I started it back in September just as a place to write...and then didn't do much past the first two entries.  I since have decided to chronicle my "Odyssey of Health" (as i like to call it) on that blog and use it for a method of accountability.  And so, if you feel the urge (and i hope you do) you can go here to read my story and keep up with my progress. whew....i hope i don't regret this!