Westward Ho!

Nausea. That seems to be my constant companion these days. Why you ask? Because it seems that my excitement for moving out west has taken a cold, hard turn towards the awareness that this is really happening. Tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, i'm still REALLY excited. Thing is, there is so much uncertainty and i have no idea how everything is going to work out. Sure, people move out west all the time. So what makes this different? oh, maybe the fact that i have no place to live and no job and bills requiring resources that i just don't have. I have a hard time even wrapping my mind around it. It seems so careless, so irresponsible. Except for one thing....the Lord told me to go. No doubt about it, Salt Lake is where i'm supposed to be. But it doesn't make it easy, and i know that that is the point. Amidst my doubts and fears, there is also hope and faith. They are opposites and yet existing together in my mind and heart. Its not exactly what i would call a good feeling having that war going on inside of me. I guess its the feeling of sensing that something really big, something life-altering is about to happen for me and i have no idea what it looks like. I realize that it may not be anything big that anyone else notices, but it will be big for me. There is still that little girl inside of me that was afraid to leave home for sleepovers because i only felt safe overnight with my parents. Sure i've moved to Boone, DC and Maryland...but this seems different. I do, however, know that the Lord has great things in store for me and i am ready to go find out what exactly that is. Even i have to be homeless for a little while. So, for the first time ever i bid the east coast adieu in search of new adventures. Don't worry, i'll be back...to visit at least. Westward ho!

Guinea Pigs, Pancakes, And Why I Hate Nike

This is a story i came across in a book my grandmother gave me for my birthday (thanks grandma, i love it!). I thought it was such a true reflection of how women are constantly bombarded by the media and made to think we just aren't good enough unless we are this, that and the other. I hope you enjoy it as much as i did. It's written by a woman named Ame Stargensky from California:

“What do you call a spelling bee, tennis practice, a soccer fund-raiser, one dentist appointment, two sick guinea pigs, a three o’clock board meeting, and a full-time job? In my house that’s referred to as Tuesday.
Being a single mom requires stamina, patience, and the power to reshape time itself.But, alas, it’s no longer enough to be Super Mom. Every magazine cover now insists that we have firm abs, too..like a sort of Supermodel Super Mom. On the upside, I still have the body I had at 20. On the downside, it wasn’t so swell then either. In spite of my success as a mother, sister, daughter, friend, producer, writer, and school volunteer, there are three words that really bug me: “Just Do It.”
I’ll never forget the first time I saw that clearly over-caffeinated Nike commercial. It caught me off guard. I was in the middle of weeping on my sofa, having just survived a slumber party with nine little girls. They had managed to stop giggling by 2:00 a.m., and yet clamored for pancakes by six. Covered in flour, with inky circles under my eyes, I resembled something that had fallen off the back of a bakery truck.
And then there it was on the television screen: a parade of women, certainly my age, gritty determination plastered all over their perfect bodies. As they ran…over rocks, up mountains, across rivers…the sweatier and more alluring they became. Here was the kind of woman who might, in fact, be a mother, but who wouldn’t know a carpool unless she could swim a hundred laps across it.
Then came the Nike logo and that booming voiceover: “Just Do It!”
I finished my doughnut, turned off the TV, and thought to myself, Doing It is one thing, but must I Do It uphill, too?
Why did I continue to care about this slogan so much? Because, frankly, I have no time to Do It, and the older I get, the less I want to anyway. Besides, it was always my understanding that Demi Moore looks the way she does so I don’t have to. Sure, I have friends who rise with the sun to swim and run and cycle their way into tight jeans and jiggle-free miniskirts. I’ve tried, but I will never be one of them. I can’t seem to carve out the time or my glutes. I have no hand-eye coordination, limited agility, and most important, a huge genetic disadvantage: Jews don’t make the best athletes.
First of all, “Air Abramowitz” would never work on a sneaker. Secondly, we’re not movers- athletically speaking. We tend to excel at wandering. In fact, if wandering were an Olympic event, you might see more Jews in sports. But you don’t. Sure, we made a mad dash out of Egypt for the Promised Land, but the truth is, we were hoping the promise included a food court.
Frankly, I’d like to be less soccer mom and more hot soccer mamma, so I joined a gym. I’ve never actually gone, mind you, but I still love telling people that I belong to one. It gives the illusion of Just Doing It with less risk of injury. I wish I felt guilty about not carving out my own hard body, but I don’t have the time. Instead, I am thrilled by my full life if not my fuller dimensions. Yes, my abs are more washing machine than washboard, and I’ve got cleavage that’s large enough to be French braided, but I’ve finally decided that my magazine cover will just have to say, “Delicious!” If I’m going to take a big bite out of my life, then it’s sure as hell going to include dessert. I guess that makes me more of a Super-Soft Super Mom. I don’t look so good in the cape, but my daughter tells me I make a great pillow.
The more I think about Just Doing It, the more I realize I’m doing it all every day. So what do you call back-to-back meetings, Brownies, company for dinner, trumpet practice, guitar lessons, fall soccer, a new bunny rabbit, laundry mountain, two book reports, and a Margarita Night out with the girls? At my house we call that Just Doing Fine.”

Seriously?

So, lets just suffice it to say i've got alot going on in my world. Trust me, i'll write about that, but right now i just need to vent. I'm really really sick of people stealing things from me. seriously. What, may you ask, is it this time? I had a cup full of change in my car...my just-in-case stash. It was out of site unless you were in the car, and i had been meaning to bring it in. It had about $40 dollars of change, maybe $50. I'm pretty routine about locking my car no matter where i am because i'm paranoid about this kind of thing...but tonight, well...lets just say the one time i forget (mind you in front of my house) something gets taken. Straight up theived. I had come home and it was there, went inside for about an hour, came back out to go pick up my brother and poof it was gone. Its not really so much about the money (although it should be because i'm broke) but i just have a lot of emotional charge on things being stolen from me. It literally makes me tired. I will say it was very cute how Jacob vowed to find out who took it. He even walked around the neighborhood (at midnight) looking for the kids he thinks may have done it. As i'm calming down and processing, i realize i can choose how i want to view this. I can be mad at the unfairness and say "can't i just catch a break?" (which i did say for like the first 10 minutes, its true). Or i can think that maybe whoever took it needed it more than i did. But what i really think is this.....lately i have been receiving A LOT of spiritual growth and understanding. I have also received many great and wonderful blessings that i'm sure i'm unworthy of. So maybe...just maybe...this is that great deceiver himself, trying to tear me down and cause me to be miserable where i have been experiencing much joy (and stress, but lots of joy). And maybe...just maybe...Heavenly Father allowed it to happen to see how i would react. Would i murmur like Laman and Lemuel and even Lehi when things didn't go my way? Or would i see it for what it is, let it roll off my back, and be grateful that something worse was kept at bay (such as having my car stolen. to be honest, i'm not 100 % sure i would make it through that one again... but come what may). While i feel like i'm choosing to see the bigger picture, i must admit shame that my reaction time was slower than what i would have liked. But i am progressing, though i am a spiritual infant and have much to learn, and am grateful for the experiences that test my faith. Even though it is not by any means fun, i know that it is totally worth it in the grand scheme of things. How grateful i am for a Heavenly Father who is wise beyond measure, who sees things i don't and places exactly what i need in my path so that i may one day become who He knows i can be. Goodnight.

So this is what REALLY goes on in the MTC huh?

okay, this is pretty freakin hilarious. I stumbled across it on youtube. Apparently he spent several P-days putting this together....i'm not really sure this is how p-days are supposed to be spent. enjoy a laugh...

Spiritual Thoughts

Today i was skimming through my Book of Mormon and settled upon a favorite scripture of mine and thought i would share some of my feelings about this special verse:

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi 31:20)

This scripture means so much to me. Years ago in a dark time for me, this scripture gave me hope. It gave me desire. Those years ago, while i was searching my soul and asking the Lord for guidance and strength, I came upon this verse of scripture. The whole 31st chapter seemed to leap right off of the page. It seemed at that time that verse 20 was written just for me. Since that time, this scripture has continued to be a source of strength as it reminds me what i must do to gain my goal: eternal life. I know i must press forward even in the toughest of times, for i will be blessed eternally. I must love others as myself and love the Lord above all else. I will feast on the words of Christ, by studying and pondering the scriptures, listening to and obeying the prophet, and listening to and recognizing the Holy Ghost as he speaks to me. If i do these things and endure to the end by living as God wants me to live, I am promised eternal life. What a wonderful promise!!! That promise gives me that brightness of hope. I will daily strive to better myself to become more like Him. I know, by everything within me, that if i do these things i will live in His presence again.

Passion

Here is some food for thought for all the passionate people that i know and love...

"what is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person....In passion, the body and the spirit seek expression...The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so."

~John Boorman, Film Director

Meditation Moment

We humans are such strange and interesting creatures aren't we? I am often baffled by the emotional rollercoaster that characterizes our lives, or more specifically mine. We crave love, fulfillment, joy and success and yet as we begin down our path towards greatness we purposefully (albeit subconsciously) sabotage our own efforts only to look back and wonder what the heck happened. Is it any wonder that we are constantly thwarted by our ever-present, ever powerful arch enemy....ourselves? To be honest its quite exhausting. We should all declare a vacation, go to a tropical island, dwell amongst the island-folk and live out our days surrounded by beautiful vegetation and sunsets all the while wondering why we ever allowed ourselves to experience so much unnecessary pain and exasperation in the first place. Okay, its not that easy. But one can dream right? I will admit one thing...I have a seemingly incurable addiction to suffering. Don't look at me like that, chances are you have it too (in all its various stages). I'm not talking about pain and suffering we get to thank our lucky stars for as a result of the actions and stupidity of others. I'm talking about the pain we inflict on ourselves because we (A) have no idea that we are doing it... (2) are aware but don't know how to get out of the cycle...or (12) in some sick and twisted way find some degree of pleasure in it because it allows us to be a victim. No matter what your reason, it all boils down to one thing: We don't think we are truly worth the aforementioned love, fulfillment, joy and success. Guilty as charged. I've written this all before, but it applies to my life now more than ever. geez.

Harmonious Addictions

Okay, i realize that i'm really bombing on this whole blogging thing. But whatever. I really just wanted to pop my head in real quick and give you a few songs to listen to that i'm currently in love with. Enjoy.

Sufjan Stevens also does a great version (or atleast i think so) of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" so go to youtube and check him out.



I almost couldn't find a link for this one, but here it is so just click "play"

Back to the Future

I guess its time for an update. Alot has gone on for me these past few weeks regarding where i've been and where i'm headed. Let's just say Heavenly Father knows something i don't, and thank goodness for that. Here's a quick recap: three weeks ago my job fell through in Maryland and i started to feel like my time there was done. I felt like i wanted to go back to school and that i should move home for the summer. I moved home within the week and have been visiting people and helping my sister out with her kids. I've been contemplating which school i'd like to go to...and after research and a visit to the temple i know i'm supposed to go to Salt Lake City and go to LDS Business College this fall. yikes. There is a whole lot of change going on in my world in a very short period of time that i did not anticipate AT ALL. I'm excited yet hesitant. I still feel broken-hearted about leaving maryland and my ward there. I'm making new friends at home, getting quickly attached to my sister's kids (and my sister), and having fun catching up with old friends....which will rip my heart out ONCE AGAIN when i have to leave for SLC. I suppose all of this moving around would be easier if i didn't get so attached to people. The new love of my life is Paige...i mean i LOVE all my sister's kids but i've really fallen in love with Paige, even if she is a full time job. I love that she lights up when i walk in the house and she wants to be with me almost the whole time i'm there. I also love that Jamison and Sierra have really warmed up to me and actually want to let me play with them and even snug up to me sometimes. At any rate, i'm just going to have a hard time moving out there when it is time. But i'm EXCITED for the new chapter in my life, for being closer to joseph, katie and claire (and my cousins out there), and just for being in a new place where i can meet new people and grow to be a better Jill. There's a lot of uncertainty...mostly the financial piece. But i'm putting my trust in the Lord to guide me and open doors as i obey His will. And besides...i always like a good adventure.

A Love Affair

Most people that know me well understand that i'm in love with music. I don't always play it as much as i would like to, but even when i'm not playing or listening to it you can be assured that there is some kind of song in my head. There are a few songs that i'm really crushing on right now, so i thought i'd share them. Enjoy.