It's Complicated....

Some days, i really want to write. But then i stop myself because i figure nobody really wants to read about what i want to write about. And then i hem and haw over whether to write anyways because i feel compelled or go with the whole "i'm in hiding" act. Do you see this? This is kind of characteristic of my life lately. I go back and forth about whether i like my job or hate it. I go back and forth between feeling "normal" (whatever that is) and feeling like i'm stuck in some alternate reality pinball game where my life is the machine and i'm the ball. And most notably, as of late, I go back and forth between accepting my reality and thinking this is all a big mistake. Either way, my life is...to put it mildly...complicated. 

I guess really what there is to do is figure out what there is to do. And by that I mean "what is my next step."

There is only one word that comes to mind..."Acceptance."  Problem is, I don't know how. Let's take last week for example. I felt fantastic. Normal. No pain, no real irritability. No swift mood shifts. No bad panic attacks. It was great. I miss feeling like that. Lucky me...i got to feel like that almost all week. I started having ideas for the future. I started making plans for going back to school or steps to starting my own business. I started having this conversation with myself:  "I'm not really bipolar. My doctor was mistaken. See? This is all blowing over. Maybe it's just something i've been eating or because i haven't been taking the best care of myself. Maybe pretty soon I will feel steady enough to come off my medication."  etc, etc.  Remember how sometimes when you rave about something great, either you or your friend over there will say "sssssshhhhhhhh....don't jinx it!" yeah. jinxed it. this girl over here.

You know what I don't get? How quickly it can all change. Like one day I feel fine...i'm in a good mood. The next day, i feel like i'm in the battle of my lifetime. It literally takes every ounce of my life force energy (as i like to call it) to hold it somewhat together, to not let my mind go through that door. After all, I don't want to flip in front of that person there, or that person over there. They might think i'm crazy if they knew what was going on inside of me. What would they really think then? What do my friends think? What does my mom or my dad or my sister or my brothers think? Really people. It's exhausting in every sense of the word. And why do i care so much about what other people think? Are they going through it? no. well, some of them do because of their interaction with me, but they don't reaaaaaallly get it. Maybe I don't want to write about it because I'm worried people think I should hide it. Or that I should just snap out of it. Or that I just need to think about other things. But you know, how can I help other people if I stay quiet? And how can I help myself? I can't help by being quiet, and so I won't. First step....acceptance. It may take awhile. It's complicated.