A Thankful Heart

Leave it to me to do my "thanksgiving" post two days late. That's just how i roll. Besides, I'd hate to be predictable.
There are always little snapshots in time where I think about where I might be in my life a year from now. This of course leads me to look backwards and see where I was a year ago. Only one thing remains consistent...I am never where I thought i'd be. almost never anyway. Last year, I was just thankful to be alive...because most of the time I felt dead. Last year at this time, I had far since slid into a black hole that was spiraling downward. After wandering around down there in the dark for awhile I came across a little bit of luck and a lotta bit of miracle and stumbled upon an escalator back up.  Fine by me, didn't want to take the stairs anyway. Which leads me to my first "thankful"...escalators. Literally and figuratively. Literal escalators are those fancy things that make me move up stairs faster-than-your-average jilbeez. My figurative escalator, however, exists in the form of God. Oh how grateful I am for His all-knowing wisdom in directing my life, and His unending love for me.
My second thankful is my family. i'm so blessed to have a functional disfunctional family. I feel lucky that I am close friends with all of my siblings and my parents. I hear horror stories from people who are alienated from their families and i can't even imagine what my life would be like if that were me. And I don't want to. I don't want to sound like I have favorites in my fam, because I don't, but I need to give a special shout out to my mother. She is truly one of the most selfless people i've ever known. She serves others before even thinking about herself. And she always has the time to pick up the phone and talk to me when I need a sounding board.
I'm so so thankful to have a new job. Stepping away from managing a crazy pizza store has already done wonders for me physically and mentally. It kind of fell in my lap at just the right time...proof that I have a Heavenly Father (with the help of a great friend) that is watching out for me. I have normal workday hours, 40 hours a week, much lower stress....its good people. very good.
Don't let me forget my friends now. Because I have some pretty fantastic ones. Many I don't get to see very much, but I still love them something fierce. And I'm grateful to have ones who actually seem to want to hang out with me. I'd hate to truly be a loner.
That leads me to my last-but-not-least thankful. My tests and trials. While they are not fun, they keep me on my toes. They keep me humble. They remind me to always look to my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm continually learning patience in the Lord's timing. I wouldn't be me without them.
I hope everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving with their families!

So What?

I am often amused at the extraordinary-ness and complexity of the human mind  It's ability to do things against your will even in the awareness of what is going on is amazing. Let me give you a "for instance".  The other night I was delivering a few pizzas...and by few i mean nobody wanted any that night. I was scheduled out at a specific time, but the owner came by to visit and we all got caught up in chit-chatting. We hadn't had a single order in almost an hour and as I went to get my stuff together so I could go home the phone started to ring. Apparently everyone had suddenly awakened at 10pm and wanted pizza. I ended up having to stay 2 hours past when I was scheduled out. Ordinarily this would have been no big deal...it was thanksgiving eve and I had no plans...and I needed the money considering our slowness earlier. Lately, however, quick changes in plans..no matter how small..throw me into a tizzy. I went full-blown freak out inside of myself.  I got irritable, slightly explosive and my moods started swinging like a third grader at recess. I realized the ridiculousity of this, almost like i was sitting in my own passenger seat watching the flipping out, but yet i couldn't make it stop. I called my mom on my way back from a delivery just to process the frustration of it all. After about 45 minutes, the swings passed and I was exhausted from containing it inside rather than let it out on innocent bystanders. And all I could really do was laugh. Hey, it was either that or cry. I laughed because it makes no sense why I get like that. I laughed because even while i know this, I can't see it coming or stop it once it arrives. I laughed because people that see these episodes in me must think I'm a complete loon. Maybe I am...so what.

It's Complicated....

Some days, i really want to write. But then i stop myself because i figure nobody really wants to read about what i want to write about. And then i hem and haw over whether to write anyways because i feel compelled or go with the whole "i'm in hiding" act. Do you see this? This is kind of characteristic of my life lately. I go back and forth about whether i like my job or hate it. I go back and forth between feeling "normal" (whatever that is) and feeling like i'm stuck in some alternate reality pinball game where my life is the machine and i'm the ball. And most notably, as of late, I go back and forth between accepting my reality and thinking this is all a big mistake. Either way, my life is...to put it mildly...complicated. 

I guess really what there is to do is figure out what there is to do. And by that I mean "what is my next step."

There is only one word that comes to mind..."Acceptance."  Problem is, I don't know how. Let's take last week for example. I felt fantastic. Normal. No pain, no real irritability. No swift mood shifts. No bad panic attacks. It was great. I miss feeling like that. Lucky me...i got to feel like that almost all week. I started having ideas for the future. I started making plans for going back to school or steps to starting my own business. I started having this conversation with myself:  "I'm not really bipolar. My doctor was mistaken. See? This is all blowing over. Maybe it's just something i've been eating or because i haven't been taking the best care of myself. Maybe pretty soon I will feel steady enough to come off my medication."  etc, etc.  Remember how sometimes when you rave about something great, either you or your friend over there will say "sssssshhhhhhhh....don't jinx it!" yeah. jinxed it. this girl over here.

You know what I don't get? How quickly it can all change. Like one day I feel fine...i'm in a good mood. The next day, i feel like i'm in the battle of my lifetime. It literally takes every ounce of my life force energy (as i like to call it) to hold it somewhat together, to not let my mind go through that door. After all, I don't want to flip in front of that person there, or that person over there. They might think i'm crazy if they knew what was going on inside of me. What would they really think then? What do my friends think? What does my mom or my dad or my sister or my brothers think? Really people. It's exhausting in every sense of the word. And why do i care so much about what other people think? Are they going through it? no. well, some of them do because of their interaction with me, but they don't reaaaaaallly get it. Maybe I don't want to write about it because I'm worried people think I should hide it. Or that I should just snap out of it. Or that I just need to think about other things. But you know, how can I help other people if I stay quiet? And how can I help myself? I can't help by being quiet, and so I won't. First step....acceptance. It may take awhile. It's complicated.