Forgiveness

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how i view myself and its effect on how i show up to others. Or how it affects really every aspect of my life. I realize that i've been giving myself so much negative self-talk for a while now that its really no wonder i've been struggling with almost a crippling disappointment in myself. I know i can't change how i've done things, and most of it i wouldn't even if i could. But sometimes i hold myself to such high expectations that i set myself up for failure. I've made some mistakes, some outright bad decisions, and not followed through on things i really wanted to do for myself. But i've also had successes, celebrations, and some fun along the way. The reality is, i do have all of this stuff i want to do, changes i need to make...but i just feel kind of stuck. I've been stuck for some time now and i don't even know what's keeping me from moving forwards towards my personal goals for my life. Tonight i was sitting and thinking about my disappointments in myself, and i thought of a word, a key to what could possibly unstick me....forgiveness. Often times we think of forgiveness as something we give to someone outside of ourselves. But just as important as that is the ability to forgive ourselves. Sure, i'd like to be further ahead in my life goals and ambitions than where i currently dwell. But i realize that i beat myself up so much for falling short that i actually hinder myself from being able to get there. Its like i've created a fear of success within my soul. And i need to forgive myself for those mistakes, bad decisions, and goals i haven't yet hit. I need to forgive myself for beating me up constantly. Because if i can forgive myself for my sometimes impossible standards, i just might create the freedom and space to move forward.

Jar of Hearts

I heard this song today and fell in love with it. Maybe because it speaks to me about several different subjects in my life. the video is a little weird, but i forgive her.

Glory

Sickened by such lonesome thoughts

I stand still on my ground

The havoc that this weight has wrought

Awakens every sound

The crying in the blackest night

The shout of joy and peace

Soothing songs when done what's right

When faith's strength has increased

The echo of my hollow voice

Against blank walls and stares

Reflects again my own true choice

Though some no longer care

And I with my new found glory here

Stand proudly and content

Pushed aside both pain and fear

My soul no longer rent

Put Your Trust Where It Belongs

I was at dinner tonight with my dear friend Amy and we had a conversation about being single in the church and how isolating it can feel at times.  We all know the stereotype about how those in the LDS church get married young and have lots of babies.  While it is just a stereotype, its one that seems to be true.  Now just to be clear, i'm not knocking those who do get married young and start a family.  But for those of us who (gasp) push 30 and older and are not yet married, there is a certain amount of pressure.  We no doubt do it to ourselves, as it is not in the gospel way to expect us to marry the wrong person just because we feel we need to be married. Nevertheless, the pressure does exist, even if it's in our own minds.  The question was posed to me "don't you just wish you were married already and starting a family?"  Well, a part of me says yes...that part that longs to find my partner in life (or crime, however you want to look at it ;) And a whole other part of me says no.  I say that because i feel like my life has happened exactly as it should, with all of its obstacles and road bumbs and celebrations.  Is it always easy? definitely not, not even close.  But had i been married already i wouldn't have experienced some of the growth in the same way...the way i feel was meant for me.  We are all different people, with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.  It takes different experiences for each of us to cause the growth that will help us become the best version of ourselves.  Sure i hope that someday i will find someone who will complete me and be my best friend and companion through life and eternity.  But i also refuse to wait to live my life until that day comes.  My life is happening right now.  I get to choose to be happy right now.  I do feel lonely sometimes, but i also know that if i live my life the best i can and be open to love, that my loving Heavenly Father that blesses me with all things will also bless me with someone who loves me.  Therefore, i'll keep moving forward and put my trust where it belongs.

No Name Face

I came across this song i wrote in one of my journals earlier today.  i have about 5 different journals that i write in whenever i feel like it and occasionally i go through them just to read what i've written.  i remember writing this during my stay in maryland (despite what i'm about to tell you i had a blast that year, by the way).  For those who don't know, i had some hard rounds with a nemesis called depression during that year.  I couldn't have been in a better place while going through that because of support offered by a great friend, but i awoke one morning with these words playing through my head.  I only had the first verse and the chorus, so hopefully one day i'll come up with the rest....and if only i could make the music i hear in my head transpose itself into my fingers....

"No Name Face"


A new day dawns
The curtains drawn
A million things that were left unsaid the day before
A single tear
No ears to hear
Then comes that old familiar knocking at my door

And its you
With the no name face
You're out of place
And still you keep on comin' round
Its too soon
To come back now
Don't you remember how
You left my heart in pieces on the ground

Changes

Some changes need to be made... i've been in a huge inquiry about me and my life for some time now. I've really struggled the last couple of years within myself about the difference between where i am and where i want to be. Often the distance seems so great that i become overwhelmed and discouraged. As I was pondering tonight about how i'm currently living my life and who i'm being, i realized something that i think i've known but haven't clearly identified...i'm not living my life, i'm surviving it. Somewhere along the way in these past few years i lost my ability to fully live and create my world and be responsible for it. Instead i've been wrapped up in being "too busy". Too busy to get appropriate amounts of rest, too busy to be physically active, too busy to fuel my body in healthy ways, too busy to have a social life, too busy to be as involved in church activities as i'd like to be. Too busy to serve. And all of this busy-ness has caused me to become incredibly unbalanced in my life. Yes, my job is all-consuming most of the time. Yes, sometimes that means i don't get enough sleep. I've had to work sundays, and i work most nights so it really hinders spending time with friends almost at all. But the real reality is i don't manage my time well. I do work alot of hours, but i still have plenty of time that i waste doing, well, nothing. or nothing that really matters anyway. When i do the math after taking out my average of 60 hours of work a week and allotting myself an average of 7 hours sleep a night (which i almost never get, but here's to hoping), i'm left with 7.5 hours a day. I think about that 7.5 hours and i honestly can't tell you what i do during that time. Sure, some of it is spent eating, showering, running errands....but what else do i do? nothing. while doing nothing is necessary sometimes and probably best for me to have a little bit each day, i waste too much life sitting on my couch or on my laptop or....i don't really know what. And i just feel done. Done hiding, done sitting, done being a survivor of my life and not the creator of it. Done sabotaging myself for the sake of self-destruction. Who i am being at this stage of my life is not who i am. Who i really am is strong, loving, commited to living a life of passion and self-expression and creativity. Who i am is spritual, healthy and inspiring. I want to be who i feel i'm meant to be in this world. I have no idea how to shed my survival skin and start living again, but i know it can be done. And i promise you i will figure it out....