Adrenaline Junkie

Well I'm not, but apparently my body is. ugh.  The worst time to have adrenaline coursing through your veins is when you are trying to go to sleep, or are already asleep (as i was... not too long ago) only to be awakened by your body in the midst of it freaking out. excellent.  While my mind is okay, i'm just waiting now for the unnecessary energy to wear off so i can go lay back down.  After all, I really don't want to sleep all day.  I would go outside and walk it off (seeing how it is light out now) but because my body temperature often drops during an attack, being even colder than i am right now is not at all appealing.  Its a good thing my roommate can't hear me down here wearing tracks in the carpet where i pace around my room on a fairly regular basis. I'm not really surprised, though.  I knew i would end up like this at some point tonight.  Let me explain, for lack of better things to do right now...

I pulled up to work around 5 p.m....i opened my car door and stuck my leg out but then remembered it was cold outside so i reached back into my passenger seat to grab a sweatshirt.  As soon as i pulled on my hoodie i turned to finish getting out of the car when suddenly i heard a loud (and surprising) "HEY" (you know the kind when people are trying to scare you, loud and fast) and there was this big guy sticking his head partly in my car.  Even though i recognized my co-worker, it took a while for it to "click".  I immediately felt that all too familiar rush of adrenaline and i just reacted.  I remember shoving him hard (apparently i pushed his head into my car door i found out later...i saw the mark) and yelling at him, probably not using the best language. About this time it finally clicked that this was my friend and i was not being attacked, so then i continued to yell at him saying things like "you know i have a panic problem, why would you even do that, what's wrong with you?" and him saying "i forgot, i forgot i'm so sorry, i forgot!"  He apparently did not appreciate the welt on his head or the yelling because suddenly he was mad at me and stormed off.  Honestly i felt bad for getting on to him like that, but here i was now trying to start my shift with a full blown panic attack going on (not my mind, just my body...its so much better when my mind is calm!) and i felt really violated.  Its hard enough having them frequently on the weekends, but its just not fair when its caused by someone else and i was doing just fine and in a good mood.  The adrenaline did come in handy as we were really busy, however, and he did come by later to apologize and give me a hug.  He promised not to do that anymore (yeah right...he's always trying to scare people).  I don't mind if you scare me a little, but don't come at me like an attacker because i won't be responsible if your head becomes acquanted with my car door again. just saying. maybe i can go lay down now....

Blast from the Past

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today.  But, nevertheless, i am.  Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me.  I don't know.  I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually.  It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas.  It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts.  As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now.  For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day.  I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all.  I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years.  But thats not the entry that caught my eye.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should.  I hope someone finds something in it they need.  I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy.  It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain.  It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth.  Today has been such a day.  As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31.  It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives.  I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply.  If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that.  I don't think i could love less and be happy.  After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy.  Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels.  He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back.  My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal.  But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him.  I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.

Strange Occurance

Obviously by now most of us here know that i have been coping with a panic disorder for almost the last two years.  While it is the farthest thing from enjoyment for me, I have also been grateful for the lessons i've learned and the growth i've had while struggling with this.  I've found that recently they come on when i'm overly tired, so i usually expect them on the weekends after i've had a full week of school and work and i'm feeling drained.  Since i had only 6 hours of sleep in about a 72 hour period, its really no wonder it was rearing its ugly head last night.  I think i've stumbled on a great way for me to deal with them in the moment.  I was pulling double duty last night as both a manager and a delivery driver...i would take several deliveries, come back in the store and manage for about an hour, then hit the road again.  It was probably somewhere around 2:30a.m. when i was out driving and suddenly my mouth started to go numb.  This was the dialogue (out loud, mind you. luckily it was just  me in the car):

"Okay, mr. panic, i'm only giving you 20 seconds to do your thing and thats it. I've got better things to do with my brain space tonight, so bring it on 'cause  you don't have long. 20...19 (i was counting out loud)...18...17...seriously this is all you got?...16...15...14...you're telling me all you can pull off tonight is a measly mouth numbness?....13....12....11....really this is kinda pitiful, i mean, you've made half my body go numb before. surely you can do better than this....10....9....8...you're running out of time....7...6...5...if you're gonna bring it you better do it now....4....3...2...1. Sorry, time's up."

Jill: 1, Panic: 0.  yeah, thats what i thought punk.

Apparently talking to my panic and inviting it or even wanting it to come kept it from doing just that.  who knew.

Salty Fish Anyone?

So after 8 years of working in the pizza industry, i finally let one of my drivers talk me into trying anchovies at work tonight.  That's right, never had one. ever.  but being the sardine lover that i am (bet most of ya didn't know that one, did ya?) i thought...how different can it be?  I've heard how salty they are, so i was prepared for that...or so i thought.  I'm here to tell you....they are SAAAAALLLLTTTYYYY!!!!!!  My goodness, it literally made me gag.  Well, that and the flavor itself.  I figure my willingness to put my poor taste buds on the fishy front lines is a sign of bigger things to come.  First stop anchovies, next stop the white house.  At least i lived to tell the tail. (pun intended)

Eureka!

You know how it is when you are just sitting there and suddenly have that light bulb go off in your head randomly, and you realize something you should have thought of a long time ago?  well, welcome to my day yesterday.  I won't lie, i've been kind of throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so. the theme?  the busy-ness of my life and how it overwhelms me.  its been a nice party, complete with streamers and party hats and those things that roll out and whistle when you blow.  But alas, its time for it to come to an end and for my guests to go home.  I was sitting in church yesterday, tired from working all night and tired just thinking about the night of work to come.  We were blessed to have a choir visiting from california that sang original songs about Christ.  Oh the songs were so beautiful! One was about the plan of salvation, one was about overcoming adversity.  The two speakers were asked to speak about adversity as well.  As i sat listening to this, i suddenly realized that i needed a huge attitude adjustment.  The reality is i have three options. I can quit school (not an option), I can go about my schedule being miserable and complaining about it, or i can find joy in my journey and realize that this is all leading me towards my future and my goals.  I think the latter will suffice.  And so, I choose to find happiness in where i am at this moment in my life, being grateful for the many generous blessings my loving Father in Heaven bestows upon me on a daily basis. Take that, Mr. Adversity....go stalk someone who cares.

Random Thoughts

I decided my blog needed a makeover. I have a hard time leaving anything the way it is for any lengthy period of time...i figure a year is long enough. Let me give you an example...growing up i shared a room with my sister for most of my childhood. We could never leave our room setup the way it was for very long, in fact i think sometimes we rearranged it every week. We typically would draw up the blueprints during sacrament meeting (hey, atleast we stayed semi-quiet) of where all of the furniture would go, then we would go home and implement the changes. There were several good things about this...first of all, it usually meant our room got really clean during the process. My sister was good about keeping her part of the room clean, but i..well..lets just say i was a little more relaxed. Another good thing about this process is that it kept us occupied on sunday afternoon. After all, Sundays can be hard for kids because of all the expected "quietness".

That reminds me, i need to rearrange my room.

Something else i've been thinking alot about lately is how lucky i am to have the siblings i do. I never really appreciated it until i became an adult, but siblings are great because they are built in friends. There is comfort in knowing that after all of the friends that have come and gone in life, there are people in my life that are constant, and that will love me no matter what. They know who i am and love me for me. It just doesn't get much better than that. That goes for parents too. Funny how the people that you once thought (in the teenage haze years) were ruining your life become your best friends later on. I guess Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with all that family talk...imagine that. ;)

Just a Hello

Well, i guess it has been quite the while since i posted. The truth is, i think of things i want to write about ALL the time. I think i even start to write them in my head as if i was actually typing it. So, you may ask, why are not any of these posts on my blog? Because i don't have access to my laptop for a while, and i'm not at school as much as i was last semester and therefore spend less time in the computer lab. About a week after buying the laptop from my friend, the ac adaptor shorted out (there were actually wires sticking out of it..can we say fire hazard?). No prob, the computer is still under warranty, and therefore they assure us a new adaptor is in the mail...keeping me from having to spend $70 on one. But it is taking forever. Seriously it needs to hurry. You know what else needs to hurry? My student loan. I never knew the mail within one city could take so long!

While i'm here, i might as well tell you that all is pretty well in Jill-Land. I love all of my classes (except my business writing class...i would rather eat razor blades...), work is going as well as i could expect it to...etc. i do feel somewhat overwhelmed anyway, although i'm not really sure why. Maybe i'm just craving the warm spring air so i can be outside, because let me tell you, Utah is not that easy on the eyes during the winter...atleast Salt Lake isn't. Usually its covered in a gloomy haze due to the wonderfulness that is "inversion". Or maybe my schedule is wearing me down because i feel like i have no time to just have fun, or the extra cash to do so. Whatever it is, I'm trying to pinpoint it so i can make strides to get out of the winter blues. That said, there are two things i recommend to you:
1) If you listen to pandora.com, listen to the "citizen cope" channel for a while. you won't be sorry.
2) Watch "undercover boss", the new reality show about big time corporate CEO's who disguise themselves among their ordinary workers to find out what its really like at different levels in their company. INSPIRING. really, it will change your life.