A Love Affair

Most people that know me well understand that i'm in love with music. I don't always play it as much as i would like to, but even when i'm not playing or listening to it you can be assured that there is some kind of song in my head. There are a few songs that i'm really crushing on right now, so i thought i'd share them. Enjoy.

Fond Farewell

I just finished packing up my car...something my tetris skills came in handy for. Wow my room looks EMPTY. I have to say it feels a little weird, just like it always does before i leave a place of abode for another. I generally have a hard time sleeping on nights before a departure so i'm hoping that this night will be an exception. Atleast the Anderson's are gone...i get to skip that round of goodbyes. But i'm now more sure than ever that its time for me to move on, time for me to go to another place where i can experience growth, where i can hopefully make a difference in my small part of the world. Change is hard for me, but at the same time i adapt quickly. I feel a bit like a yo-yo this last year or so...especially because i know i'm only in winston for the summer and don't know where i'll end up after that. I feel like i have an idea but i'll keep that to myself for now. I've been so lucky to live in a place so beautiful with an incredible family that i've grown to love so much. Goodbye Maryland, i will miss you. I'll be sure to come back and visit.

I'm Possibly Going Insane. Period.

In the famous words of the band 311: "I'm all mixed up, I don't know what to do". I hear ya man. Seriously, my mind is playing judo tricks on me and i'm here, there and everywhere. Hope you all don't mind if i ramble a bit. Today I went to this lovely place:

And i'm pretty sure i got an answer to prayer. But that decision is really hard for me to accept and i'm experiencing a high level of anguish over it. I guess its because i feel like i should be excited about it and just feel at peace and be ready to go. The truth is, I'm not. Maybe i'm still a little shell shocked at how this just played out. Maybe i'm in mourning because I've grown emotionally attached to the Andersons. Maybe i'm scared to go back to winston because it makes me feel like a failure...like i'm running back home because its comfortable, even though thats not really true (although i keep trying to do a mental check to make sure thats not what i'm doing and i'm skeptical). And maybe I'm scared to go back because I don't feel like its permanent and I have no idea where to go from there. There's way to many unknowns for comfort. And I don't, I repeat DON'T want to get comfortable in winston and end up staying there. And i'm scared i'll get back into my same ole rut and set up camp. I guess i feel wrong for struggling so much over this. Should it be this big a deal? Or am I making it so much harder than it should be? I just want my mind to be quiet so I can truly listen. The problem is, I just don't trust myself. I always worry i'm making the wrong decision because i'm afraid of the outcome if i accidentally do. But if i'm trying to make the right one and i'm pouring my heart and soul into it, then i can trust that i'm making the right one...right? Advice or thoughts please. And in the words of Wanda Sykes "I am sick sick sick...and I am tired. I am sick and tired." Me too wanda, me too. This drama is wearing me out.

My friend Jill

This is my friend Jill. Isn't she cute? I used to know her really well. She has white blonde hair, often pulled up in pigtails (sorry, i couldn't locate a pigtail picture) and rosy red cheeks ripe for the pinching. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her, just a turn around the corner ahead of me...you know, when you can see the back of someone for just a second before they make that next turn? Every once in a while she comes to hang out with me, sometimes staying a week or even longer if I'm lucky enough. Most often, however, our encounters are short colorful bursts of brilliance and freedom...when i feel grounded and safe and that all is right with my world. Please Jilly, come back and play. We can hold hands and skip rope....

My Life, Interrupted

We all know (all to well i'm sure) that life never really goes as planned. This seems especially true for me. constantly. I like to look at it as batting practice to get me ready for the next big game. Because i've learned that once one trial is seemingly in the clear another is right around the corner to smack me upside my head when i'm not looking. dang it. While i know there are lessons to be learned and a grateful attitude to be had, some days i feel like all i'm left with is black eyes and bruises. Are you with me? I'm sure i'm not alone in this feeling. I know things could be SO much worse for me, but my heart doesn't seem to share that same sentiment. I'm ready to run away to that island i keep dreaming about. I sure would like some company...any takers?