Sunday, May 14, 2017
Lately I've been feeling a little bit of a spiritual crisis coming on. Not a crisis of faith...my faith is intact. Let me explain. I have felt for a little while now like I am numb to the spirit a little bit, which has caused some alarm within my soul. I've wondered if it's because of my medication. Because I have bipolar disorder, I have to be medicated through school or I'll never keep with it. Right now, my meds are in a really good place. Mentally I feel really good, which is a sigh of relief because sometimes it's hard to find the right combination. My doctor and I have worked for a year and a half to get here. The medication keeps me from feeling highs and lows, which is great for a bipolar person. But there is a side effect that I don't like...I can't feel the intensity of the spirit. I can feel peace, but not that fire that I'm used to feeling. I've talked to other LDS people with bipolar and apparently this is common, but I don't like it. It's freaking me out, making me wonder what I've done wrong. This week, in my New Testament class, we read an article from an address to BYU by President Henry B. Eyring. It was called "Always." (https://www.lds.org/ensign/1999/10/always?lang=eng). In the address, he talked about the Lord's command to pray always. He also talked about how, in the sacrament prayers, we are to always remember the Lord. The question then becomes, how do we do that? President Eyring talked about how our past efforts are not enough. We cannot stand still. We have to determine to study daily and pray often throughout the day and give everything we have to be close to the Lord. I realized in reading this that I haven't been doing that. I think, because I'm so busy working full time and doing school full time, that I have been counting on my past efforts and closeness to the Lord to carry me through, and haven't been doing what it takes to be there. So maybe some of it is my medication, but maybe I can break through the "even-ness" and feel that fire again. It gives me so much hope that I can feel closer to the Lord and hear his voice daily again. In the parable of the sower found in Matthew 13, Christ talks about the seed being cast on different types of ground. I want desperately to be the seed that lands on good ground and brings forth fruit. So take heart from my own experience. We can all come unto the Lord and do more to be close to him. I know that's what I'll be doing.
posted at 11:41 PM