Body Lovin'

Yep, its me again...at 4 a.m. How ya doin. Probably sleeping, yeah? Maybe i'll give that a shot someday. I hear it does wonders. My best friend said something to me tonight that i can't get out of my head. She had asked me about a career goal of mine. I had responded that yes, it was still a goal. I asked her why she thought of that (as it came up very randomly) to which she said..."I just think it is your destiny."  I joked with her "destiny, huh?" yada yada yada and then she said. "yes, you were destined for greatness." boom. serious boom.  I can't shake that statement.  Now i want to be clear, when i think of greatness i don't necessarily think of fame or fortune. But I do think that achieving greatness is having a positive and great impact on your world. Your world may be just your family, or at work, or those in your geographical region. It might literally be the whole world as we know it. This series of thoughts led me to remember a portion of a mantra i had created during a life coaching session once, something that spoke to me: "I inspire my world." Because that is what i want. I want to inspire others to pursue happiness and achieve greatness, whatever that means for them.  But i also realize i have to start with myself. Tonight as I was reading about learning to be at peace with my body as it is right now and the empowerment that can come from that to propel myself forward, i wondered what that would possibly feel like. There have been only snapshot moments in time where i have felt okay and accepting of my body in its various sizes and stages. (After having several children, my sister once joked that looking through her closet was like taking a trip through "the various sizes of Laura." I have that same experience when looking through mine, only without the whole bearing children thing on my resumé as a worthy excuse). But do you know what i can remember easily? All the moments where i felt horrified by my body. You know how you do all those group get-to-know-you games and there is always that question: What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?  Well I always replied i didn't have one. I generally attributed that to the fact that i had a father who delighted in trying to embarrass his children. Kinda makes the skin tough to those kind of things. The truth? I definitely have one. And nobody knows about it (except for the people that were actually there).  But i'm going to share it with you, because it was a pivotal moment for me in developing a more in-depth hatred for my body and my "situation".  And in order to begin accepting and finding peace with my body, i need to find peace with this story which means sharing it with all of you. When i was about 19, i went to the fair with a group of close friends.  We were having a good time, riding rides and doing whatever it is you do at the fair.  At one point, there was this one ride we all wanted to get on. It looked exciting, and being the ride lover that i am, i couldn't wait.  On this ride you had your individual little seat (actually you were standing) and a bar came across your shoulders and locked you into place so you wouldn't go flying into davidson county when you started being whipped around here, there and everywhere. As people got into their places, the ride-tender (i feel the word carnie is derogatory) came around and started latching everyone's body-hold-into-placers. And then he got to me. And he couldn't get it to latch. I was even sucking in. Still, no dice. And so, right there with everybody looking on (the ride was situated so that everyone was standing in a circle facing each other), he told me i had to exit the ride. I was too big. Single most humiliating moment of my life. One i almost never dwell on, and for good reason. I guess for most people, this would be the moment that would give them the motivation to lose weight. For me, it gave me the fuel to further victimize myself and go into emotional hiding. As i write this story, i can feel the embarrassment and hurt all over again. I can cry the tears that i didn't allow myself to cry then in front of my friends. And you know something? I now can say this: so what. Goodbye story i never told anyone. You no longer have any hold over me. I officially strip you of your power to pull me into a steaming pile of victim mud. I'm on a path to personal greatness here, dang it. Please step aside.