Saturday, April 4, 2009

A Fond Farewell

Well, its done. I finally paid this thing off today. This is what it looked like after its spring break adventure in daytona beach:

I'm not really sure how i feel about it right now. I mean sure, I'm ecstatic to no longer have a car payment for a car i don't have. But it just feels....weird. I don't know. When I was on the phone making the final payment, the girl said to me "i bet you are sure glad to have this thing out from under you, huh?" UNDERSTATEMENT. And then she said "well ms. brewer, in about 10 to 14 days you will receive your title in the mail." All i could think was I DON'T WANT THE FREAKIN TITLE!!!!!! I mean seriously... what good does that do me? Maybe a keepsake to remind me of all the great times i've had in the aftermath of it all. Now i'm just sickly, broke, and tired. I bid you adieu.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this...

Except for that i feel the need. Not for sympathy, but just to be heard and acknowledged or to atleast spread some education about me to those I love. I hesitate because I fear that I will be met with judgements...judgements about my mental stability. I never promised that my blog would only feature feel good things. Because the truth about me is that i'm deeply emotional and I'm not the type to hold it all in. For the past year, I've really struggled with panic attacks. To learn more about them go to I have had them in a few different episodes throughout my life, with years in between. But these have been frequent and long lasting....basically torture. I'm not trying to be dramatic. If any of you have ever experienced the intensity of one you know what i mean. Otherwise it is hard to fully grasp and understand. They often have no trigger and come without warning. I mostly get them at night when I am relaxed. But an article I read recently helped me understand that in order to conquer this thing I need to accept it instead of fighting it so hard. Because whether I like it or not it is a part of me and I don't know how long it will stay. I felt like sharing the article with you so here it is:
This from Dr. Claire Weekes, the late anxiety expert:
On Recovery: "The person practicing acceptance passes gradually from being terrified and dreading panic to disliking it, then from disliking to finding it no longer mattering. This does not mean that panic no longer comes. It takes time for no-longer-mattering to bring no panic. It is important to realize that panic can still flash and no longer matter. This is the beginning of recovery.
We should not feel lesser human beings because we happen to be afraid in certain circumstances. Coping though frightened is true courage.
Even when you can do things you previouisly could not do, memory may sometimes encourage that old demon, panic, to rattle his chains. However, the rattling gradually grows less and less as you cope with it the right way, until it finally fades and is only a thought without too much upsetting bodily reaction.
When you can live in peace with the memory of what you have been through and if, when times of stress bring back your old symptoms, you can accept these and not let them upset you too much, not let them disrupt your life, then you can say you are cured.
Recovery means that although symptoms can return under stress, there is a deep inner feeling of peace because the symptoms have come to no longer matter.
For recovery, the sufferer must have, deep within himself, a special voice that says during any setback or dark moment, "It's all right, you've been here before. You know the way out, You can do it again. It works, you know it works!" That voice speaks with authority and brings comfort only when it has been earned by the sufferer himself, and it can be earned only by making the symptoms and experience that torture no longer matter. No-longer-mattering is the key."

This really brought comfort and hope to me. I hope you never have to experience panic attacks, but if you do or have in the past I hope you find support in knowing there are others out there who suffer with you, silently (most people don't talk about may have people close to you who suffer them and you'd never know). It doesn't mean you are "crazy" or unstable. In my case it is directly related to post traumatic stress syndrome, but people develop them for various reasons. If this has made you uncomfortable, I apologize...but the truth is they are real. They are real for me. And they are exhausting. Goodnight.