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Thursday, April 28, 2011

I Promise I'm Alive

Wow its been awhile i guess. I've thought about writing a ton of times...but i'm usually at work or driving or some  other random location where i don't really have time or access.  By the time i get home i give way to a zombie-like state where i remain until i finally force myself to go to sleep.  Oh i've had plenty to write about...the adventures of my job (never-ending stories right there) or all the lovely time i"ve been spending with my sister and her kiddos (i say "all" as if its a lot...but its not really. hopefully they don't get sick of me any time soon). Or i could complain about how my body feels like its attacking me more often than not with all the weird pain and fatigue issues...or the fact i don't sleep much. But I figure that's a boring subject anyway and nobody really wants to hear about my altercations with my body. I would like to say, however, that i feel good changes coming. I mean within myself.  I've recently started going to counseling and I LOVE IT.  My first experience with a counselor, about a year after being robbed, wasn't what i was really hoping for.  It took her about 5 minutes in to the conversation to diagnose me with post traumatic stress disorder, so i think she was just trying to be gentle and therefore did A LOT of listening and not much else.  I enjoyed it, i did, but it wasn't really what i needed. What she didn't realize about me was that i am very self-aware and analytical and i want direction. Let's get in there and get down to the nitty-gritty. She was sweet as can be but just not the best fit for me personally.  Fast forward two years and now i'm trying it again. This guy...he gives it to me straight. He's not afraid to call me a control freak (which he did, by the way) or challenge me by saying "so what if you are a failure, what then?"...and i love it.  Because that's what i've wanted...someone who will tell it to me like it is but in a loving way.  I feel inspired, for the first time in 3 years probably, to really move out of my "safe zone" and to stop hiding. I feel clarity on my issues and why i allow them to exist.  So here's to being me, with all my strengths AND weaknesses (i'm even trying to embrace my neurotic/obsessive side for the first time ever instead of pretending it doesn't exist....although all of you who know me know its part of who i am)...and here's to being excited for what comes next.