Adrenaline Junkie

Well I'm not, but apparently my body is. ugh.  The worst time to have adrenaline coursing through your veins is when you are trying to go to sleep, or are already asleep (as i was... not too long ago) only to be awakened by your body in the midst of it freaking out. excellent.  While my mind is okay, i'm just waiting now for the unnecessary energy to wear off so i can go lay back down.  After all, I really don't want to sleep all day.  I would go outside and walk it off (seeing how it is light out now) but because my body temperature often drops during an attack, being even colder than i am right now is not at all appealing.  Its a good thing my roommate can't hear me down here wearing tracks in the carpet where i pace around my room on a fairly regular basis. I'm not really surprised, though.  I knew i would end up like this at some point tonight.  Let me explain, for lack of better things to do right now...

I pulled up to work around 5 p.m....i opened my car door and stuck my leg out but then remembered it was cold outside so i reached back into my passenger seat to grab a sweatshirt.  As soon as i pulled on my hoodie i turned to finish getting out of the car when suddenly i heard a loud (and surprising) "HEY" (you know the kind when people are trying to scare you, loud and fast) and there was this big guy sticking his head partly in my car.  Even though i recognized my co-worker, it took a while for it to "click".  I immediately felt that all too familiar rush of adrenaline and i just reacted.  I remember shoving him hard (apparently i pushed his head into my car door i found out later...i saw the mark) and yelling at him, probably not using the best language. About this time it finally clicked that this was my friend and i was not being attacked, so then i continued to yell at him saying things like "you know i have a panic problem, why would you even do that, what's wrong with you?" and him saying "i forgot, i forgot i'm so sorry, i forgot!"  He apparently did not appreciate the welt on his head or the yelling because suddenly he was mad at me and stormed off.  Honestly i felt bad for getting on to him like that, but here i was now trying to start my shift with a full blown panic attack going on (not my mind, just my body...its so much better when my mind is calm!) and i felt really violated.  Its hard enough having them frequently on the weekends, but its just not fair when its caused by someone else and i was doing just fine and in a good mood.  The adrenaline did come in handy as we were really busy, however, and he did come by later to apologize and give me a hug.  He promised not to do that anymore (yeah right...he's always trying to scare people).  I don't mind if you scare me a little, but don't come at me like an attacker because i won't be responsible if your head becomes acquanted with my car door again. just saying. maybe i can go lay down now....

Blast from the Past

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today.  But, nevertheless, i am.  Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me.  I don't know.  I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually.  It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas.  It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts.  As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now.  For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day.  I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all.  I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years.  But thats not the entry that caught my eye.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should.  I hope someone finds something in it they need.  I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy.  It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain.  It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth.  Today has been such a day.  As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31.  It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives.  I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply.  If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that.  I don't think i could love less and be happy.  After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy.  Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels.  He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back.  My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal.  But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him.  I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.

Strange Occurance

Obviously by now most of us here know that i have been coping with a panic disorder for almost the last two years.  While it is the farthest thing from enjoyment for me, I have also been grateful for the lessons i've learned and the growth i've had while struggling with this.  I've found that recently they come on when i'm overly tired, so i usually expect them on the weekends after i've had a full week of school and work and i'm feeling drained.  Since i had only 6 hours of sleep in about a 72 hour period, its really no wonder it was rearing its ugly head last night.  I think i've stumbled on a great way for me to deal with them in the moment.  I was pulling double duty last night as both a manager and a delivery driver...i would take several deliveries, come back in the store and manage for about an hour, then hit the road again.  It was probably somewhere around 2:30a.m. when i was out driving and suddenly my mouth started to go numb.  This was the dialogue (out loud, mind you. luckily it was just  me in the car):

"Okay, mr. panic, i'm only giving you 20 seconds to do your thing and thats it. I've got better things to do with my brain space tonight, so bring it on 'cause  you don't have long. 20...19 (i was counting out loud)...18...17...seriously this is all you got?...16...15...14...you're telling me all you can pull off tonight is a measly mouth numbness?....13....12....11....really this is kinda pitiful, i mean, you've made half my body go numb before. surely you can do better than this....10....9....8...you're running out of time....7...6...5...if you're gonna bring it you better do it now....4....3...2...1. Sorry, time's up."

Jill: 1, Panic: 0.  yeah, thats what i thought punk.

Apparently talking to my panic and inviting it or even wanting it to come kept it from doing just that.  who knew.

Salty Fish Anyone?

So after 8 years of working in the pizza industry, i finally let one of my drivers talk me into trying anchovies at work tonight.  That's right, never had one. ever.  but being the sardine lover that i am (bet most of ya didn't know that one, did ya?) i thought...how different can it be?  I've heard how salty they are, so i was prepared for that...or so i thought.  I'm here to tell you....they are SAAAAALLLLTTTYYYY!!!!!!  My goodness, it literally made me gag.  Well, that and the flavor itself.  I figure my willingness to put my poor taste buds on the fishy front lines is a sign of bigger things to come.  First stop anchovies, next stop the white house.  At least i lived to tell the tail. (pun intended)

Eureka!

You know how it is when you are just sitting there and suddenly have that light bulb go off in your head randomly, and you realize something you should have thought of a long time ago?  well, welcome to my day yesterday.  I won't lie, i've been kind of throwing myself a pity party for the last week or so. the theme?  the busy-ness of my life and how it overwhelms me.  its been a nice party, complete with streamers and party hats and those things that roll out and whistle when you blow.  But alas, its time for it to come to an end and for my guests to go home.  I was sitting in church yesterday, tired from working all night and tired just thinking about the night of work to come.  We were blessed to have a choir visiting from california that sang original songs about Christ.  Oh the songs were so beautiful! One was about the plan of salvation, one was about overcoming adversity.  The two speakers were asked to speak about adversity as well.  As i sat listening to this, i suddenly realized that i needed a huge attitude adjustment.  The reality is i have three options. I can quit school (not an option), I can go about my schedule being miserable and complaining about it, or i can find joy in my journey and realize that this is all leading me towards my future and my goals.  I think the latter will suffice.  And so, I choose to find happiness in where i am at this moment in my life, being grateful for the many generous blessings my loving Father in Heaven bestows upon me on a daily basis. Take that, Mr. Adversity....go stalk someone who cares.

Random Thoughts

I decided my blog needed a makeover. I have a hard time leaving anything the way it is for any lengthy period of time...i figure a year is long enough. Let me give you an example...growing up i shared a room with my sister for most of my childhood. We could never leave our room setup the way it was for very long, in fact i think sometimes we rearranged it every week. We typically would draw up the blueprints during sacrament meeting (hey, atleast we stayed semi-quiet) of where all of the furniture would go, then we would go home and implement the changes. There were several good things about this...first of all, it usually meant our room got really clean during the process. My sister was good about keeping her part of the room clean, but i..well..lets just say i was a little more relaxed. Another good thing about this process is that it kept us occupied on sunday afternoon. After all, Sundays can be hard for kids because of all the expected "quietness".

That reminds me, i need to rearrange my room.

Something else i've been thinking alot about lately is how lucky i am to have the siblings i do. I never really appreciated it until i became an adult, but siblings are great because they are built in friends. There is comfort in knowing that after all of the friends that have come and gone in life, there are people in my life that are constant, and that will love me no matter what. They know who i am and love me for me. It just doesn't get much better than that. That goes for parents too. Funny how the people that you once thought (in the teenage haze years) were ruining your life become your best friends later on. I guess Heavenly Father really knows what he's doing with all that family talk...imagine that. ;)

Just a Hello

Well, i guess it has been quite the while since i posted. The truth is, i think of things i want to write about ALL the time. I think i even start to write them in my head as if i was actually typing it. So, you may ask, why are not any of these posts on my blog? Because i don't have access to my laptop for a while, and i'm not at school as much as i was last semester and therefore spend less time in the computer lab. About a week after buying the laptop from my friend, the ac adaptor shorted out (there were actually wires sticking out of it..can we say fire hazard?). No prob, the computer is still under warranty, and therefore they assure us a new adaptor is in the mail...keeping me from having to spend $70 on one. But it is taking forever. Seriously it needs to hurry. You know what else needs to hurry? My student loan. I never knew the mail within one city could take so long!

While i'm here, i might as well tell you that all is pretty well in Jill-Land. I love all of my classes (except my business writing class...i would rather eat razor blades...), work is going as well as i could expect it to...etc. i do feel somewhat overwhelmed anyway, although i'm not really sure why. Maybe i'm just craving the warm spring air so i can be outside, because let me tell you, Utah is not that easy on the eyes during the winter...atleast Salt Lake isn't. Usually its covered in a gloomy haze due to the wonderfulness that is "inversion". Or maybe my schedule is wearing me down because i feel like i have no time to just have fun, or the extra cash to do so. Whatever it is, I'm trying to pinpoint it so i can make strides to get out of the winter blues. That said, there are two things i recommend to you:
1) If you listen to pandora.com, listen to the "citizen cope" channel for a while. you won't be sorry.
2) Watch "undercover boss", the new reality show about big time corporate CEO's who disguise themselves among their ordinary workers to find out what its really like at different levels in their company. INSPIRING. really, it will change your life.

Rants and Raves and Rambles

You know how you have some days where every single pet peave you have seems to stare at you in the face? Well, i've determined that all it takes to have this experience is a trip to the local Walmart. Annoyance #1: stupid people in general. I'll break this down for you in my following list of grievances.
PEOPLE ON ESCALATORS: I understand that some people are too tired/sick/lazy to walk down stairs, and thus want to hang out on the moving staircase. i get it. I like escalators because they help me walk down (or up) the stairs faster-than-your-average-jilbeez. Therefore, please observe proper etiquette by hanging to the right so i can pass on the left. This will keep me from having to yell "LEFT" in order to pass you, and thus feeling like Tea Leoni in "Spanglish".
PEOPLE THAT THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM: no, i do not also feel that you deserve a red carpet wherever you place your blessed feet. You do not deserve to cut in line in front of everyone, nor special treatment for any reason. Just buy your things and move along please, so this urge I have to kick you in the shins will pass.
PEOPLE THAT ARE ALWAYS IN THE WAY: I swear the same two ladies blocked my path atleast 3 times during this trip to walmart in three different areas of the store, which only lasted about 10 minutes. AND, i should note that they are the type that DO. NOT. MOVE. and look at you like "this is my world and you best find another way through". I'll leave the physical description of these two women to your imagination because i know you've experienced this too. I have about three more annoyances dealing with the parking lot, but i'll spare you the torture. I will say that for the first time in three weeks, i have a day off! actually i have two. Apparently my boss finally realized i needed a break because i was starting to be mean to the customers. Just picture Bill Cosby in "Ghost Dad" coming through the phone to choke the boyfriend. Thats what i want to do every time a customer asks "what's your specials". okay, i'm done with my rant, rave and ramble. I'm off to enjoy my time with joseph, katie and claire....

This made my day

Love this version of "i'm yours" by Jason Mraz. In fact i like it better than the original :) By the way, i totally sing like this when i'm by myself and don't know the words to a song...

Just some thoughts

You know what i've learned lately? Life is hard. period. Although i feel singled out by this phenomenon a majority of the time, somewhere deep inside my head i know that everyone feels this way about their life too. Okay maybe not that deep inside of my head. Regardless, one of the great things about "the hard life" is that its sprinkled with hundreds upon thousands of really great genuine warm fuzzy moments. Which is how i guess we all keep trudging on despite our load. That being said, i'd like to publicly announce that (A) I am sad and slightly annoyed that i'm not able to go home for christmas, and (B) that i am going to start a book-writing adventure. I don't think i'm a good enough writer honestly to push out an entire book, nor do i know exactly what it would be about or look like. But i'm just gonna start writing and see what happens. I've always felt that i would write something one day that would help someone else....and besides, all of those weird and exciting-yet-sometimes-life-threatening experiences that i seem to attract should be good for something right?
Not to totally bore everyone, but something else that's really been on my mind lately is people. Maybe its the holidays talking, but i've really been missing people lately. Everyone that i've loved and lost throughout my life, which turns out to be quite the number actually. I'm aware of the whole "people come and go" adage but that doesn't mean i have to be a fan of it. As i look back all the way to childhood it seems that no matter how much i try to love people they flee from me as if i had a plague. Slightly an exaggeration but you get my drift. It makes for a lonely jilly. Don't get me wrong, I have some incredible friends and family that i just love and adore and for some reason love me back. I just miss people from my past sometimes, thats all. I guess its true what they say....its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all....right? If i'm a true follower of Christ then this must be true.....happy holidays!