Thanksgiving

I know its not yet thanksgiving (afterall, we have to get through halloween first) but i am so thankful for so many things. These past 8 weeks of my time in Utah have been both very trying and exciting. I'm first and foremost thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows exactly the experiences i need for growth, and a loving Savior for giving me comfort in uncertain circumstances. I'm thankful for my cousin Sara and her husband Shawn for letting me stay with them for 6 weeks (longer than expected) while i tried to get things together. I'm thankful that my brother Joseph and his wonderful wife Katie (lets not forget one of the coolest kids i know...Claire) live only 40 miles away and that i get to see them almost every weekend. I'm also grateful that they let me stay with them for a few nights while i did the whole "homeless" thing. I'm grateful for the experience of sleeping in my car for about 4 days because my school's financial aid office was being soooooo slow. Yes i'm grateful for that. Don't worry, i didn't sleep in my car overnight because i work during the night most of the time. i did, however, sleep in my school's parking garage during the day. That week, on the nights that i didn't have to work, i slept in provo at joseph's house. It taught me that no matter what, i am willing to do what it takes to be here where i feel the Lord wants me. And that he will sustain me and protect me even when it looks bleak. I'm grateful for my new place, which i love, and my new roommate. We are kind of instantly comfortable with each other and can hang out like we've been friends for years. The house is very cute in a great neighborhood, and pretty close to both school and work. I'm grateful for my job even though it drives me crazy sometimes, doesn't necessarily give me enough hours and has me on a weird sleep schedule with school. I know that in these times it is hard to come by a job, so i'm glad i have one that will allow me to work around my classes. And i'm sooooo thankful for my wonderful school. I'm learning so much about business and life, especially as it applies to the gospel. My own personal and professional goals are shifting to something much bigger and more open than i ever thought possible. The world is full of opportunities, and i intend to not only take them, but help others see them and grab ahold of their dreams as well. I'm grateful for the opportunity that i have to struggle financially, to have to really decide for the first time in my life whether i'm going to pay tithing or that bill that needs to be paid because i don't have enough money for both. It really has me take a look at what i believe, tests my faith and allows my testimony to grow exponentially. And lastly, but most certainly not least, i'm grateful that i live so close to so many temples. I love love love that place. I want you all to know that while its hard, i'm doing well. The Lord will take care of me, for He has promised me that as long as i'm in the service of His kingdom, i will have sufficient of this world's means. I just hope that I'm sensitive enough to the Spirit to walk the paths He would have me take and find the open doors.

Update

I apologize for the long absence from posting....i've just been seriously busy. I've been working two jobs (one usually all night from 8 or 10pm til 4 or 6 am, sometimes 7 am depending on the day....and the second job is 4am til 7am mon-thurs) and going to school full time in the day. Last week i logged 60 hours of work and about 20 of school....needless to say i'm pretty tired. My schedule hasn't allowed much time for sleep, sometimes going a 48 hour stretch with only about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I have turned in a two week notice for my second, smaller job due to the fact that i just can't physically take it. Its been a hard several weeks on this schedule....because of sleep deprivation my panic attacks are way up and more intense, i've developed a stutter (its kind of funny but really not...if it weren't for the lack of sleep thing i would be really worried about something more serious) and i don't feel like i have great control over my body (i'm noticing as i'm trying to type and my fingers just won't cooperate). My schedule should calm down a little with the quitting of the second job though. I'm excited to say i get this friday off!!!! i haven't had a day off in about 10 days so it is much needed. I am glad to report that my grades are great through all of this...hopefully i can keep it up. Despite all of the busy-ness, i'm so grateful that i've found a job that will allow me to make enough to support myself while in school. While i know everyone is worried about me (i'm kinda worried too right now because i feel really weird), I want you to know that i'm going to be okay. I know that i'm walking through the doors that Heavenly Father wants me to, even if they are hard. It is all for a purpose, leading me toward the doors that still stand open and waiting. I'm working hard and learning so much. I love you all!

Dog Tired

haha, get it? Anyway, there are several thoughts i have that i really want to post and share with all of you, but i'm just too tired. Dog tired.

Life Lessons from a Homeless Woman

Today I was driving along in downtown SLC and while stopped at a light noticed a woman to my right on the sidewalk. She was clearly a fairly aged woman, and by the looks of her clothes and slightly starved appearance I assumed she was homeless...(for those of you not familiar with SLC, I have noticed while going to and from school that the parks are filled with homeless souls sleeping on benches and at the foot of trees). What struck me was that she was wearing an old set of headphones and literally dancing her way down the sidewalk. Now the first instinct when seeing a scene like this is to laugh. But I couldn't help but think...here was a woman who probably had it pretty rough, more so than i ever have or can even imagine. And yet, she was finding joy in the moment. She was clearly enjoying the music and letting it move her, seemingly unaware or uncaring to who might be watching or poking fun. Maybe if we found more joy in our present moments, we would experience life to its fullest...the way I'm sure our Heavenly Father would like us to. We would instantly be filled with more gratitude because we would truly see the hand of God in our lives, grateful for what we have instead of worried about what we don't.

Unfairness

Earlier today as I took a drug test I had an epiphany. You know what i realized? We girls got the shaft. How so you may ask? Well, first of all a guy can throw on a pair of nice sweatpants, a tshirt and a backwards hat and be acceptable anywhere. If we wear that, people question our personal hygiene. Secondly, we can't just relieve ourselves of bodily fluids anywhere we please. We always have to find the *yuck* porta-johns or find a gas station every two hours on a road trip. Inconvenience. And lastly, taking drug tests just isn't fun or easy. You girls know what i'm talking about. Don't get me wrong, I love being a girl (3 out of 4 weeks a month) but i'm just sayin. While i'm on a rant, let me also tell you a pet peave of mine. When people who have two perfectly good legs and no physical limitations wait 10 minutes for an elevator to go up or down one floor. They slow up the rest of us who have to go up 8. Just sayin.

Feedback

What do you think of when you see/hear the phrase "Life Out Loud"? I'm asking for opinions and insights here, i'll tell you why later. Reply on here or email me, either way. Thanks!

Jillbug

You gotta watch out for these...

So today i was looking around online for people who need roommates, and i came upon this ad on craigslist. I seriously laughed for about ten minutes while Sara looked at me like i was nuts (pun intended). My guess is that they had some people come by to look at the room but then ran when they heard this part, so they just decided to say it right up front. Enjoy:


Hey! Glad you took a look! I am living with my dad here in murry, and we are looking for a third to come live with us in our openminded family. The room is a nice, two window, spacious closet, with wood flooring. Our house is a three bedroom home with a decent size kitchen, family room, a dining room (which my dad uses as an office) and a open fromt room. We also have a hot tub that we use freaquently, and you would be more then welcome to join us. The 200 is a flat rate that includes utilies, internet, and we do have a big screen tv with cable.

Sense we are offering a very cheap room we are looking for someone that would fit nicely into our situation. We are both slight nudists, where we will both walk around naked, and use the hot tub in the nude. I only stress this because we need someone who would not mind this, and would feel comfortable in joining us. THERE IS NO SEXUAL ANYTHING BY DOING THAT!!!!!!! lol my dad and i are both sexual beings and we are open in our sexuality. We both bring home people and do not mind if you do. We are both very opinionated, yet extreamly openminded people. That being said we are looking for someone that is open minded (out of the mormon bubble perferably), non judgemental, and would be comfortable in our living situation. We are also looking for someone who we can trust, leave the house to and such.

I would be more then willing to show you the house and get to know you a little bit to see if you are the one we are looking for! Please email me and we will get in touch! Please put Hot Tub in title so i know that you are real! :D Come join us in the hot tub, it feels dang good!!

Meditation Moment

I've been thinking about two statements i heard/read today. The first one i heard on the radio on my way to school this morning. It was advice given to a woman by another caller but it really hit home to me....."Don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle." The other one i stumbled upon while filling out job applications..."The best time to push on is when you reach the place where the average person gives up." We hear quotes like this all the time, but these have really taken up residence in my thoughts today. How often have i pushed myself to what i thought was my limit, and then given up? What could have happened if i had hung in there for that 5 more minutes? A miracle? maybe. I'm clear that I don't want to quit, I don't want to give up and think it is enough. Because i have a sneaking suspicion that the extra 5 minutes is well worth it. Besides, i've never had the desire to be average anyway. I don't want a life of complacency, blind to opportunity and adventure and joy. I don't want to float through life just doing enough to get by. I want to learn, grow and explore my limits. I want to push myself to that point where i really want to give up, and then push a little more. I want a life of spiritual enlightenment and soulful fullfillment. Possible? just maybe.

This is the Place

I really want to write about my fun trip out west with my sister, all the classes that i'm taking, etc....but the truth is, none of that seems to flow from my fingertips right now. What keeps spinning in my mind is something my fundamentals of entrepeneurship professor said today. I've really been dealing with alot of stress these past few weeks, and especially the past few days. There is so much uncertainty in my world and i'll be the first to say that i don't really care for it. However, as i have started class this week in an environment where the Spirit is sought after first and education second (I really really love LDS business college and their learning model, more on that later) i've been able to get a dose of perspective. When asked by a student his personal thoughts on the "fail your way to success" phenomenon often talked about by successful entrepeneurs, my professor said this, something i feel was inspired..."Failure is an excellent teacher because it hurts SO much. Success teaches you nothing." He followed up by saying that of course we don't seek after failure, but that instead of allowing ourselves to be discouraged we should do what the prophet Joseph did when seeking out the true gospel..."Observe, Analyze and Act." As he continued talking, he began to tell the story about the widow and her cruse of oil found in 1 Kings 17. Here was a woman who had tremendous faith, and no doubt prayed for months and possibly years during the famine for reprieve. Yet she was taken to the very edge, until she knew she had one meal left before death, and only then did the blessing come by way of a prophet asking for what remaining food she had. She gave, and was richly, even miraculously blessed in a way she couldn't have possibly forseen. As he spoke about this, i knew that that message was for me. While i feel like i am emotionally on the edge, i know that in reality i'm not even close. I could bear more (not that i'm asking for that). What i am going through is necessary for my growth so that i might do everything i possibly can to make things work. Only then will i receive the blessings i seek. It has been in this moment (and several others) that i knew that this is truly the place....the place the Lord would have me be for this period of time. I have already seen great blessings in the process....my sister coming with me on the long drive out west, a wonderful cousin out here that is giving me a roof over my head while i find a place (thank you sara and shawn, you have no idea how much that means to me...i promise to make it up to you one day), and being enrolled in a school that bases their education on scripture and inspiration...a place where we talk openly about the gospel every day and invite the spirit into each class. Truly amazing.

Westward Ho!

Nausea. That seems to be my constant companion these days. Why you ask? Because it seems that my excitement for moving out west has taken a cold, hard turn towards the awareness that this is really happening. Tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, i'm still REALLY excited. Thing is, there is so much uncertainty and i have no idea how everything is going to work out. Sure, people move out west all the time. So what makes this different? oh, maybe the fact that i have no place to live and no job and bills requiring resources that i just don't have. I have a hard time even wrapping my mind around it. It seems so careless, so irresponsible. Except for one thing....the Lord told me to go. No doubt about it, Salt Lake is where i'm supposed to be. But it doesn't make it easy, and i know that that is the point. Amidst my doubts and fears, there is also hope and faith. They are opposites and yet existing together in my mind and heart. Its not exactly what i would call a good feeling having that war going on inside of me. I guess its the feeling of sensing that something really big, something life-altering is about to happen for me and i have no idea what it looks like. I realize that it may not be anything big that anyone else notices, but it will be big for me. There is still that little girl inside of me that was afraid to leave home for sleepovers because i only felt safe overnight with my parents. Sure i've moved to Boone, DC and Maryland...but this seems different. I do, however, know that the Lord has great things in store for me and i am ready to go find out what exactly that is. Even i have to be homeless for a little while. So, for the first time ever i bid the east coast adieu in search of new adventures. Don't worry, i'll be back...to visit at least. Westward ho!