Spiritual Thoughts

Today i was skimming through my Book of Mormon and settled upon a favorite scripture of mine and thought i would share some of my feelings about this special verse:

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." (2 Nephi 31:20)

This scripture means so much to me. Years ago in a dark time for me, this scripture gave me hope. It gave me desire. Those years ago, while i was searching my soul and asking the Lord for guidance and strength, I came upon this verse of scripture. The whole 31st chapter seemed to leap right off of the page. It seemed at that time that verse 20 was written just for me. Since that time, this scripture has continued to be a source of strength as it reminds me what i must do to gain my goal: eternal life. I know i must press forward even in the toughest of times, for i will be blessed eternally. I must love others as myself and love the Lord above all else. I will feast on the words of Christ, by studying and pondering the scriptures, listening to and obeying the prophet, and listening to and recognizing the Holy Ghost as he speaks to me. If i do these things and endure to the end by living as God wants me to live, I am promised eternal life. What a wonderful promise!!! That promise gives me that brightness of hope. I will daily strive to better myself to become more like Him. I know, by everything within me, that if i do these things i will live in His presence again.

Passion

Here is some food for thought for all the passionate people that i know and love...

"what is passion? It is surely the becoming of a person....In passion, the body and the spirit seek expression...The more extreme and the more expressed that passion is, the more unbearable does life seem without it. It reminds us that if passion dies or is denied, we are partly dead and that soon, come what may, we will be wholly so."

~John Boorman, Film Director

Meditation Moment

We humans are such strange and interesting creatures aren't we? I am often baffled by the emotional rollercoaster that characterizes our lives, or more specifically mine. We crave love, fulfillment, joy and success and yet as we begin down our path towards greatness we purposefully (albeit subconsciously) sabotage our own efforts only to look back and wonder what the heck happened. Is it any wonder that we are constantly thwarted by our ever-present, ever powerful arch enemy....ourselves? To be honest its quite exhausting. We should all declare a vacation, go to a tropical island, dwell amongst the island-folk and live out our days surrounded by beautiful vegetation and sunsets all the while wondering why we ever allowed ourselves to experience so much unnecessary pain and exasperation in the first place. Okay, its not that easy. But one can dream right? I will admit one thing...I have a seemingly incurable addiction to suffering. Don't look at me like that, chances are you have it too (in all its various stages). I'm not talking about pain and suffering we get to thank our lucky stars for as a result of the actions and stupidity of others. I'm talking about the pain we inflict on ourselves because we (A) have no idea that we are doing it... (2) are aware but don't know how to get out of the cycle...or (12) in some sick and twisted way find some degree of pleasure in it because it allows us to be a victim. No matter what your reason, it all boils down to one thing: We don't think we are truly worth the aforementioned love, fulfillment, joy and success. Guilty as charged. I've written this all before, but it applies to my life now more than ever. geez.

Harmonious Addictions

Okay, i realize that i'm really bombing on this whole blogging thing. But whatever. I really just wanted to pop my head in real quick and give you a few songs to listen to that i'm currently in love with. Enjoy.

Sufjan Stevens also does a great version (or atleast i think so) of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" so go to youtube and check him out.



I almost couldn't find a link for this one, but here it is so just click "play"

Back to the Future

I guess its time for an update. Alot has gone on for me these past few weeks regarding where i've been and where i'm headed. Let's just say Heavenly Father knows something i don't, and thank goodness for that. Here's a quick recap: three weeks ago my job fell through in Maryland and i started to feel like my time there was done. I felt like i wanted to go back to school and that i should move home for the summer. I moved home within the week and have been visiting people and helping my sister out with her kids. I've been contemplating which school i'd like to go to...and after research and a visit to the temple i know i'm supposed to go to Salt Lake City and go to LDS Business College this fall. yikes. There is a whole lot of change going on in my world in a very short period of time that i did not anticipate AT ALL. I'm excited yet hesitant. I still feel broken-hearted about leaving maryland and my ward there. I'm making new friends at home, getting quickly attached to my sister's kids (and my sister), and having fun catching up with old friends....which will rip my heart out ONCE AGAIN when i have to leave for SLC. I suppose all of this moving around would be easier if i didn't get so attached to people. The new love of my life is Paige...i mean i LOVE all my sister's kids but i've really fallen in love with Paige, even if she is a full time job. I love that she lights up when i walk in the house and she wants to be with me almost the whole time i'm there. I also love that Jamison and Sierra have really warmed up to me and actually want to let me play with them and even snug up to me sometimes. At any rate, i'm just going to have a hard time moving out there when it is time. But i'm EXCITED for the new chapter in my life, for being closer to joseph, katie and claire (and my cousins out there), and just for being in a new place where i can meet new people and grow to be a better Jill. There's a lot of uncertainty...mostly the financial piece. But i'm putting my trust in the Lord to guide me and open doors as i obey His will. And besides...i always like a good adventure.

A Love Affair

Most people that know me well understand that i'm in love with music. I don't always play it as much as i would like to, but even when i'm not playing or listening to it you can be assured that there is some kind of song in my head. There are a few songs that i'm really crushing on right now, so i thought i'd share them. Enjoy.

Fond Farewell

I just finished packing up my car...something my tetris skills came in handy for. Wow my room looks EMPTY. I have to say it feels a little weird, just like it always does before i leave a place of abode for another. I generally have a hard time sleeping on nights before a departure so i'm hoping that this night will be an exception. Atleast the Anderson's are gone...i get to skip that round of goodbyes. But i'm now more sure than ever that its time for me to move on, time for me to go to another place where i can experience growth, where i can hopefully make a difference in my small part of the world. Change is hard for me, but at the same time i adapt quickly. I feel a bit like a yo-yo this last year or so...especially because i know i'm only in winston for the summer and don't know where i'll end up after that. I feel like i have an idea but i'll keep that to myself for now. I've been so lucky to live in a place so beautiful with an incredible family that i've grown to love so much. Goodbye Maryland, i will miss you. I'll be sure to come back and visit.

I'm Possibly Going Insane. Period.

In the famous words of the band 311: "I'm all mixed up, I don't know what to do". I hear ya man. Seriously, my mind is playing judo tricks on me and i'm here, there and everywhere. Hope you all don't mind if i ramble a bit. Today I went to this lovely place:

And i'm pretty sure i got an answer to prayer. But that decision is really hard for me to accept and i'm experiencing a high level of anguish over it. I guess its because i feel like i should be excited about it and just feel at peace and be ready to go. The truth is, I'm not. Maybe i'm still a little shell shocked at how this just played out. Maybe i'm in mourning because I've grown emotionally attached to the Andersons. Maybe i'm scared to go back to winston because it makes me feel like a failure...like i'm running back home because its comfortable, even though thats not really true (although i keep trying to do a mental check to make sure thats not what i'm doing and i'm skeptical). And maybe I'm scared to go back because I don't feel like its permanent and I have no idea where to go from there. There's way to many unknowns for comfort. And I don't, I repeat DON'T want to get comfortable in winston and end up staying there. And i'm scared i'll get back into my same ole rut and set up camp. I guess i feel wrong for struggling so much over this. Should it be this big a deal? Or am I making it so much harder than it should be? I just want my mind to be quiet so I can truly listen. The problem is, I just don't trust myself. I always worry i'm making the wrong decision because i'm afraid of the outcome if i accidentally do. But if i'm trying to make the right one and i'm pouring my heart and soul into it, then i can trust that i'm making the right one...right? Advice or thoughts please. And in the words of Wanda Sykes "I am sick sick sick...and I am tired. I am sick and tired." Me too wanda, me too. This drama is wearing me out.

My friend Jill

This is my friend Jill. Isn't she cute? I used to know her really well. She has white blonde hair, often pulled up in pigtails (sorry, i couldn't locate a pigtail picture) and rosy red cheeks ripe for the pinching. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her, just a turn around the corner ahead of me...you know, when you can see the back of someone for just a second before they make that next turn? Every once in a while she comes to hang out with me, sometimes staying a week or even longer if I'm lucky enough. Most often, however, our encounters are short colorful bursts of brilliance and freedom...when i feel grounded and safe and that all is right with my world. Please Jilly, come back and play. We can hold hands and skip rope....

My Life, Interrupted

We all know (all to well i'm sure) that life never really goes as planned. This seems especially true for me. constantly. I like to look at it as batting practice to get me ready for the next big game. Because i've learned that once one trial is seemingly in the clear another is right around the corner to smack me upside my head when i'm not looking. dang it. While i know there are lessons to be learned and a grateful attitude to be had, some days i feel like all i'm left with is black eyes and bruises. Are you with me? I'm sure i'm not alone in this feeling. I know things could be SO much worse for me, but my heart doesn't seem to share that same sentiment. I'm ready to run away to that island i keep dreaming about. I sure would like some company...any takers?