Body Lovin'

Yep, its me again...at 4 a.m. How ya doin. Probably sleeping, yeah? Maybe i'll give that a shot someday. I hear it does wonders. My best friend said something to me tonight that i can't get out of my head. She had asked me about a career goal of mine. I had responded that yes, it was still a goal. I asked her why she thought of that (as it came up very randomly) to which she said..."I just think it is your destiny."  I joked with her "destiny, huh?" yada yada yada and then she said. "yes, you were destined for greatness." boom. serious boom.  I can't shake that statement.  Now i want to be clear, when i think of greatness i don't necessarily think of fame or fortune. But I do think that achieving greatness is having a positive and great impact on your world. Your world may be just your family, or at work, or those in your geographical region. It might literally be the whole world as we know it. This series of thoughts led me to remember a portion of a mantra i had created during a life coaching session once, something that spoke to me: "I inspire my world." Because that is what i want. I want to inspire others to pursue happiness and achieve greatness, whatever that means for them.  But i also realize i have to start with myself. Tonight as I was reading about learning to be at peace with my body as it is right now and the empowerment that can come from that to propel myself forward, i wondered what that would possibly feel like. There have been only snapshot moments in time where i have felt okay and accepting of my body in its various sizes and stages. (After having several children, my sister once joked that looking through her closet was like taking a trip through "the various sizes of Laura." I have that same experience when looking through mine, only without the whole bearing children thing on my resumé as a worthy excuse). But do you know what i can remember easily? All the moments where i felt horrified by my body. You know how you do all those group get-to-know-you games and there is always that question: What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?  Well I always replied i didn't have one. I generally attributed that to the fact that i had a father who delighted in trying to embarrass his children. Kinda makes the skin tough to those kind of things. The truth? I definitely have one. And nobody knows about it (except for the people that were actually there).  But i'm going to share it with you, because it was a pivotal moment for me in developing a more in-depth hatred for my body and my "situation".  And in order to begin accepting and finding peace with my body, i need to find peace with this story which means sharing it with all of you. When i was about 19, i went to the fair with a group of close friends.  We were having a good time, riding rides and doing whatever it is you do at the fair.  At one point, there was this one ride we all wanted to get on. It looked exciting, and being the ride lover that i am, i couldn't wait.  On this ride you had your individual little seat (actually you were standing) and a bar came across your shoulders and locked you into place so you wouldn't go flying into davidson county when you started being whipped around here, there and everywhere. As people got into their places, the ride-tender (i feel the word carnie is derogatory) came around and started latching everyone's body-hold-into-placers. And then he got to me. And he couldn't get it to latch. I was even sucking in. Still, no dice. And so, right there with everybody looking on (the ride was situated so that everyone was standing in a circle facing each other), he told me i had to exit the ride. I was too big. Single most humiliating moment of my life. One i almost never dwell on, and for good reason. I guess for most people, this would be the moment that would give them the motivation to lose weight. For me, it gave me the fuel to further victimize myself and go into emotional hiding. As i write this story, i can feel the embarrassment and hurt all over again. I can cry the tears that i didn't allow myself to cry then in front of my friends. And you know something? I now can say this: so what. Goodbye story i never told anyone. You no longer have any hold over me. I officially strip you of your power to pull me into a steaming pile of victim mud. I'm on a path to personal greatness here, dang it. Please step aside.

Food for Thought

I'm becoming increasingly annoyed at my urges to write. Mainly because they tend to happen at 5 a.m.  I think its because it is the only time in my life when its quiet enough for me to really think clearly.  But all that aside, it is time i fess up about something. And i apologize if my intimacy here makes you uncomfortable. But for a long time i have felt called to talk about my experiences in this area. Whether it is to help me or someone else, here goes: I have a huge, huge issue with food.  Call it an addiction, an eating disorder, whatever you will....i have it.  There, I said it. Out loud. For people other than my family or close friends to hear. While i'm sure nobody is all that surprised by this news, I have a reason for writing about this other than gaining your pity.  You see, I believe that when you allow yourself to speak something that is true about you, you become willing to own it. And when you own it, and release it for others to see, you take its power to control you away.  Because now there is no mystery to it.  As i've written previously, i have researched and decided to take on a predominately raw lifestyle. But as i plotted and planned, gathered recipes, read blogs and books, even bought lots of food (that subsequently went bad in my fridge), i just couldn't get started. And i didn't understand why. I mean, I have motivation...health, weight, sleep issues, no energy, weight...and i have knowledge. I even have experience. I know i can do this, and i know i want to. The problem, i realized, is this...that there is a problem to begin with. This is no news flash to me, but i guess i thought that my issues would disappear if my symptoms disappeared. (see the above list...health, weight, blah blah blah).  backwards, huh? I remember over the last decade or so and my struggles with my relationship to food and my body image and i think...how can i possibly expect to achieve anything if i don't get down to the root cause? Because i've done the revamp my food intake thing, i've done the lose 80 pounds in a year thing...and what happened? Nothing changed. I was still just as obsessed with food. I recall my sister saying to me sometime within the past year or two, "When you are heavy and feel unhealthy, you obsess about whether or not you are dying. Then when you lose weight and get healthy, you obsess about getting healthier." She knows me, its true.  And because i didn't focus on my relationship to the food or my relationship to my body it all just came back anyway. And then came the guilt, then came the depression (which i tend to dabble in anyway), then came the "i have to change my diet again" mentality, which becomes followed by the "last supper" mentality (eating all of your favorite foods because you know that surely this will be the last time you get to have them, for tomorrow you start eating better). Its all really sickening, isn't it? Why are we so incredibly consumed by food anyway? All it is meant for, really, is to sustain life. That's it. Unfortunately for me, and most of you (because i know some of you are reading this thing and nodding your heads), food has become an experience. And therein lies one of my problems. I'm a foodie. I literally derive pleasure from eating food, going to new restaurants, watching people cook food, etc. This brings up another issue: I am a chaotic and emotional unconscious eater (wrap your head around that, would ya?).  I get very busy, forget to eat, become ravenously hungry, binge, forget to eat, cycle continues. Or i feel tired or slightly sad or stressed so i grab for all things chocolate. And it drives me crazy to not be doing something while i eat. For instance, my favorite thing to do while eating is to read. I suppose this came about during my early years reading the cereal box while eating breakfast (IF i could wrestle it from my sister, that is). But if i have nothing to read, i like to watch tv. If i'm driving, i cannot listen to music, I have to listen to talk radio. I like to be intellectually stimulated while i eat. don't worry, i know i'm weird. But actually its very common for unconscious eaters. Its that whole start-eating-the-box of-candy-during-the-movie-and-suddenly-your-fingers-are-scraping-the-bottom-and-you-are-surprised-you-are-done type of thing. Get the picture? Basically i've discovered that i need to heal my relationship with food first if i have any hope of getting rid of any of the symptoms. And while i feel like that is going to take time that i don't have because i wanted to get this whole raw thing on the road, i have to remind myself that it is okay. Because time is really all i have anyway compared to the rest of my life. And won't it be so worth it? Some of you may be wondering how i'm going to do this. Several people that i know personally, and some i know just through friends, have used the book "Intuitive Eating" to help them deal with food addiction and eating disorders. I began reading it yesterday. Quick overview: it talks about letting go of any diet mentality (as rampant as it is in our society) and learning to listen to your body. I have decided to write about my process as i read this book and start letting go of my issues with food for all of you to read. After all, if i share it then it loses power over me, right?

Bobby Todd

To say this has been an interesting week is an understatement. Severely.  And while this week included working literally 24 hours straight non-stop physical labor (except for a 7 am run to get breakfast) in order to be ready for an important inspection at my store (got a good score, by the way, and i have yet to recover from that loooong shift), I instead want to share today's story with you.  You see, i walked into work only to find that my walk-in cooler was broken...again...for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. A. Noy. Ing. ugh. So, we get to work getting all of my food out of it before it goes bad...stuffing it into the makeline and coke cooler and sending all my dough to another store to keep cool. In the midst of this i also had only about 30 minutes left to get my food order in. We get it all taken care of but i was already cranky. Can you really blame me? It just has not been a good 2 weeks after all.  I have cooler problems, one of my full time drivers out for a death in the family, my assistant on vacation, my other assistant being loaned to cover another store where that manager is on vacation, a body that is very very sore and tired still from all of that heavy duty cleaning, etc.  So yeah, i'm cranky. get over it.  I get a call from the hair salon across the parking lot. They wanted a pizza. I told them the price...the special we currently have running. He says okay, i go on my way.  About 2 minutes later the phone rings and its the hair salon again. This time its the dad of the guy who runs the hair salon. He says:
Guy: I get a discount from your store, why is it so much?
Me: Oh, i'm sorry. I was not aware that you get a discount
Guy: Well you must be new
Me: Um....nope. Been the GM here for over a year now.
Guy: Well, don't you know who i am? (in a very condescending tone btw)
Me: Am i supposed to?
*side note: I don't really respond well to people talking down to me. Sometimes i handle it well, but most of the time it flares my temper...especially on days like today. Its something i need to work on, i know.*
Guy: I'm Bobby Todd
Me: And that makes a difference to me how? other than you ordering pizza every once in a blue moon?

Anyway, i went ahead and gave him the discount. Partly because i knew i was being slightly rude to him, and mainly because i couldn't wait for him to come pick it up so i could ask this very question..."If i give you a discount here, do i get a discount over there?"  Because if he said no, it would be the end of 50% off for him as he knows it. I'm not trying to sound harsh, its just business. I do have discount agreements with people, but i get something in return...like 50% off Arby's or 50% off oil changes. That's how it works. One customer i give 50% off to every third order of hers because she orders 3 times a week. Stuff like that. Sooo, guy walks in, i tell him the total, he pays me, yada yada yada. Then i popped the question:

Me: So does this mean i get a discount on getting my hair cut?
Guy: Um...(makes some joke that was totally irrelevant)
Me: Haha. Seriously though, since i'm giving you a discount here i get one there, right?
Guy: (again makes some comment totally unrelated to the conversation)
Me: Why are you skirting the issue?
Guy: I'm just playing with you
Me: i'm actually being serious. So basically you are telling me no?
Guy: Well, we run a small business and we can't really afford...
Me: So basically i'm giving you a discount at no benefit to me. You don't even order regularly.
*by this time one of my drivers has gotten closer to listen to what's going on*
Guy: Are you trying to hustle me?
Me: No sir, I'm just merely stating the absurdity of it. What entitles you to a discount at my store? I'm a business, i need to make money to continue to be a business. If i'm not making money on you, i need a good reason. And you are refusing to give me one
Guy: Are you threatening me? Are you saying if I don't give you a discount at my salon that you won't give me a discount here?
Me: That's exactly what i'm saying. I'm a business person.
Guy: I know you are sweetheart, that part is certain.
*side note: this whole conversation is taking place without yelling. Just thought i'd throw that in. Also, the way he said sweetheart got under my skin.*
Me: Don't call me sweetheart, you aren't my grandpa (did i mention he was really old? and looked like a mischievous version of Santa? Don't judge me...i'm not a bad person)

As i walked away from him, he said to my driver "she won't be hear in 6 weeks. Guarantee it."
I won't lie, this was the final straw for me. I had had enough with Mr. Bobby Todd and the way he was speaking to me. I'm not proud of the way i behaved, but i promise there is a moral to this story, so stay with me.

I turned on my heel and ran out the door (he was already halfway across the parking lot by now) and shouted as loudly as i could "I WILL be here in 6 weeks sir, you can count on that!"  He spun around and said "are you a prophet? are you prophesying?"  I almost laughed here...mainly because in my world its such a crazy old man thing to say. By my world i mean my dad or his dad...they would totally say something like this. (dad, just for the record, i'm not calling you old.)

At this point i yelled something back about no i was not prophesying, i was just promising...blah blah blah. By this time i was fuming. pacing around the store. And then i begin to feel embarrassed....embarrassed because i had allowed my temper to the better of me. I expressed this to one of my drivers and he told me that i shouldn't be embarrassed. He had heard the old man and said he had pushed me and kept egging me on. But still, that doesn't excuse me from acting that way. Is that how Christ would have me act? Did He lose his temper when he was being tempted, spit on, called a liar, etc? No He did not. If one of my goals is to become more Christlike, i certainly failed today. I decided that after a cooling period, i would go over there and smooth things over. As i looked up, however, i saw Mr. Bobby Todd walking toward the store. My first thought was, oh no...he's coming in for round two. As he opened the door, he smiled at me, and i smiled back...hoping for the best. As he walked in I noticed there were tears in his eyes. He apologized to me, saying that he was out of line, that sometimes he gets rolling and goes too far. "My son always says i do that..go too far," he said.  And then he said something that pierced me to my core. "I was sitting over there eating and i remembered that you are a daughter of God. And my job on earth is to love you. If i can't love you, then i am nothing in God's eyes."  I told him i was sorry too, that i was having a bad week and did not intend to be so irritable with him, because it was not his fault. I also told him i so much appreciated his respect for what God thought of him, and the humility to act on it. I told him that i appreciated it because i too have a close relationship with my Heavenly Father, and i know i did not act accordingly. Needless to say, i too was now teary eyed, and as we shook hands...two friends now in the Lord, my boss walked in to see this exchange. After Mr. Todd left, my boss said..." are you crying? who's he? what's going on?" I told him the whole story and he said "so now you are in here crying with a man that you were yelling at 20 minutes ago?" yep. Because that's how i roll. He said he shouldn't be surprised...and i guess he shouldn't. I do tend to have weird conversations with perfect strangers. But that's part of what makes me who i am. I will say, the thing that touched me most was how fast the man allowed himself to be humbled and maybe even chastised by the Lord for his actions. I don't know him, but i could tell in that moment that he was a man of God. And oh how greatly i respect that. I learned something from him today. I learned, or rather remembered, that I want to be closer to God. Closer to the point that i don't react that way in the first place. Closer so that i may remember more easily that everyone i come in contact with is a child of God, and deserves to be treated as such. And i learned that while my boss and my employees thought i was crazy for standing there crying with a stranger with whom i had been arguing only moments before, i didn't really care. Because i got it...what i needed in that moment. And i know that Mr. Todd did too.

I learned a few hours later from one of my drivers that apparently Bobby Todd is very well known in the hair community in Winston-Salem. I just kind of laughed. I guess that's why he said "don't you know who i am?".  I do plan to go over there tomorrow and just do a follow up conversation with him tomorrow...just to let him know he can still get his discount...because for some reason i feel connected to him now after that powerful moment we shared. That and i want his customers to come buy pizza from me after they get their hair cut....

Let Me Clear My Throat...

I kept thinking today about how I wish I was one of those people who smiled all the way through any adversity. Or never spoke an unkind word about anyone. Or never needed to vent about anything. But you want to know my problem? I'm far too flawed for all of that...yet. Problem numero dos = i'm an out-loud processor. I just have to talk about things in order for them to make sense to me so that i can deal with them. For example, i'm in the midst of another hidradenitis flare and it is kickin' my tail. And i wish i could suffer the flu feelings and fatigue and pain in silence. But i just can't. I'm not looking for pity, i just want someone to get it. And i feel even worse when i realize that there are people that i know personally who suffer far worse things...and are pleasant about it. I admire them so much. I wanna be them when i grow up. But i'm just not there yet. In fact, i'm a big baby. I can withstand quite a bit, but do trust that i'm going to talk about it. That need to "talk about it" has been getting me in trouble lately.  I've been learning some hard lessons at work about who I can trust and who can't wait to stab me in the back. I try so hard not to take it personally...but I can't help it. You see, I have a love problem. Meaning, I love everyone i work with. Everyone. Even the ones i don't like. And that love problem extends outside of work encompassing my whole life. I feel like i work as hard as i possibly can. And i feel like i'm more than fair to all of my employees. But i guess sometimes it's not enough. Because people are human with flaws of their own and will always do what they deem necessary for what they think is their own survival. Still, i have felt my feelings of trust and belief in people shattered over the last several weeks and it leaves me wondering what it's all for. Surely there is a lesson here somewhere. And while i know that part of that lesson is that i can't really trust anyone in the business world, i refuse to give up on people. Because where would that leave me?

Happy Birthday To Meeeee"eeeeeeek!"

I can't even take credit for that title. Thank you Stefanie! Haha. Today was my birthday. So, naturally, it was a weird day.  My birthday always seems to be that way. I guess it's fairly fitting, since i seem to be a target of weird happenings in my life anyway, beginning with my first days on earth. Today started out normal enough despite that whole not sleeping thing, which has really become quite normal by now. I met my parents for lunch, went into work.  About 2:30pm and i was already exhausted. One of my fantastic drivers offered to stay later than scheduled so that i could go home for an hour and catch a quick nap since i was supposed to close.  I went home, crawled into bed...i had a good solid half hour for the power nap. I finally drifted off and was asleep for approximately 10 minutes when i was jolted awake by the sound of my door opening. Yes you heard that right. I want to be clear about something....i live alone. And i ALWAYS lock my front door, even in the middle of the day. Anyway, back to the jolting awake thing. I had been sleeping hard...you know, that exhaustion/hungry for sleep feeling where you go right slam bam into a deeeeep sleep and wake up all discombobulated? Well that's what i was feeling while i was trying to get my bearings and determine what exactly i had heard...and then i heard footsteps. I sat up in my bed (more like shot up) and there was a man standing there. I'm not making this up. I shouted something, but have no idea what, and watched as the man turned and high-tailed it out my front door, saying something that may have been an apology. I jumped out of bed, still very very confused at what was actually happening and very scared and started for the front door. i looked out the window and there he stood...on my porch waiting for me to come out. I opened the door a crack and asked who he was.  He explained he was the maintenance man from the property management company i rent from. He apologized and said he had knocked first, but when i didn't answer he let himself in. I kind of let him have it, i won't lie, to which he replied "well i just wanted to let you know your neighbor was having some water drip down his walls so we need to drill some holes outside your window because its coming from your window unit. We're gonna do it from outside, we just didn't want to startle you with the sudden drilling." And you think walking into my apartment unannounced was the answer to not startling me? really? To which i replied "so then why the crap wereyou in my apartment? what if i had been in the shower? what if i had had a gun for protection? why didn't you just call me to let me know what's going on?"  He stuttered out some other apology and then went on his way to go drill his holes. I. Was. Livid. Not to mention, now my head was reeling from being awakened from a deep sleep AND i was now having a full blown panic attack. I quickly called the aforementioned neighbor, who also happens to work for me, and now i'm crying and trying to make sense of it all.  I told him what happened, to which he replied "He did WHAT?!?!?" yeah...exactly. He told me he could be home in 4 minutes...and when i heard him roll up i also heard him get out of his car and start giving the maintenance men what for about scaring me like that. It's kind of nice to know you have a neighbor that watches out for you. By this time it was time for me to go back to work, having had no nap and a panic attack to boot. I went down, quickly spoke to my neighbor who was still fuming on my behalf, and headed out.  I was torn between calling the property manager or showing up to their office in person.  I ultimately decided i could be meaner over the phone. And i needed to be mean. Because they deserved it. I also remembered the woman at the front desk is this sweet lady that i could never yell at in person.  I'm not afraid to admit it, i hid behind the safety of the phone. It was for the greater good, i assure you. I called and let loose my fury over the situation, how scared i was, how i was now having a panic attack, and just how inappropriate and unacceptable this whole thing was. I mean sure, i could understand him coming in if I had been the one to call in the maintenance order and expected them to come sometime this week. But i had NO idea they were coming. No call to say "hey, by the way, your neighbor complained of leaking water coming from upstairs so we may be by to check it, just in case we need to come into your apartment." Is that really too much to ask? And all this time, what i'm still wondering is this...if he didn't need to fix it from inside my apartment, why oh why was he in there? It not like i live in a complex or anything...its an old detached garage with one apartment downstairs (my neighbor) and one upstairs (mine). They obviously knew my neighbor wasn't home, so gee..could that lone car in the driveway possibly belong to the tenant upstairs? Wow, her car is here but she didn't answer the door when i knocked...its probably for a reason. Maybe i should just call her and tell her whats going on. I mean, how hard is that thought process? The lady at the office kept apologizing and said "oh, do you work nights? are you a day sleeper?" to which i replied "yes, but does it matter?"  She then said "well, i guess we'll put you on the 'always call first' list then." yes, you do that lady. Because if this ever happens again it won't be pretty. I still can't get over the situation and how he thought it was okay to just walk in with no forewarning at all. Nobody wants to wake up to find a strange man standing in their bedroom doorway. Nobody. Especially me (if only all of you knew how incredibly paranoid i am about my personal safety.)  Don't worry though, my birthday wasn't completely a wash.  About 10 minutes after i got to work, my neighbor came in looking all serious and said "you gotta come see this, you won't believe it." I thought he had done something bad to his car because of the way he was acting, but when i got out there he popped open his trunk and shouted (happily) "would you just look at that?". I looked in his trunk and saw this...(from Dewey's...yum!)

He also gave me a card, a big hug, and told me that he was glad to have me as a neighbor, boss and friend. I think he knew i needed something special after the fright i had...and it was. Totally made my day (and my crew didn't mind either...after all, i can't eat all that by myself!) For those who don't get the "would you just look at that?" reference, its a phrase we say at work all the time derived from this video.  This is just one of the characters this guy does while his buddy films it from afar. hilarious. Anyway, know what else made my day? A visit from my friend Stefanie! She brought me balloons, a watermelon (in support of my decision to start a raw lifestyle) and some pizza hut coupons. Silly Stef. She also hung around for quite awhile (which i loved) and kept me company while i was stuck at work. I'm so grateful for my loving family and AWESOME friends!

Here We Go Again

I really should be in bed right now. But we all know by now i don't sleep, don't we? I blame Utah. That's where it started. I guess juggling a full time third shift job and full time school during the day will do that to you. Well that and a fierce battle with a panic disorder that mainly shows its ugly face at night. Whatever...i've kind of accepted all that by now. Moving on. The reason i'm up tonight? Stabbing pains in my arms. And the dread that comes along with knowing what that pain means. It means another flare-up on the horizon.  This has been a regular occurence for the past 8 months or so. For those who don't know, I was recently diagnosed with Hidradenitis Supporativa. What is that you ask? Well, you can read about it here.  In short, my glands create abscesses that swell and become very painful until they burst (mine happen to stay under the skin and do not burst). As of recent, researchers are beginning to find supportive evidence that it is indeed an autoimmune disease but has not been definitively decided yet. Mainly because what they think happens is hair folicles or glands or sweat ducts clog too easily and then your immune system attacks with super force, creating the abscesses. I don't know about all that or how it works, all i know is it's not a good time. During a flare, i also tend to battle restricted movement of my arms, a low-grade fever and intense fatigue. There is no medical cure, and they really don't even know the cause. The last flare i had landed me in the E.R. because i couldn't take the pain anymore. The doctor there, as well as the surgeon i followed up with a week later, basically told me i was just kind of in for a ride. Basically its about managing pain as best you can during a flare-up. Isn't that lovely to hear? Yeah i didn't find it very comforting either. Because i believe that our bodies were designed to heal themselves if given the proper tools, i began to research natural cures. As i poured through online support groups and blogs and other websites i found only one way that people became symptom free (outside of surgery...which i was told by the surgeon was a last-ditch effort and only about 50% effective anyway). Raw foods. People that eat a plant-based diet of 80% or more raw, living food were able to achieve complete healing. Interesting. Wanna know the even more interesting part? I've actively been studying raw foodists (anyone that eats 75% of their diet that way is considered a raw foodist) for over a years now. Before i started dealing with this. I don't even remember how i happened upon it, but i do remember feeling intensely that i needed to know this information, and have continued to feel inspired that i need to move in that direction. Just to be clear, i'm not necessarily saying that EVERYONE should eat like this. What i AM saying, however, is that Heavenly Father designed my body and knows the best way for me to take care of my individual body. And maybe He was giving me a heads up this past year...so that i would know what to do when i got hit with this and before it gets worse. That being said, i've been gathering recipes (raw food is WAY more interesting than just eating apples, after all) and reading everything i can about it, incorporating green smoothies in my diet, and breaking my addiction to caffeine (which has been pretty successful if i do say so myself) in order to prepare myself for this transition. I'm excited...and scared. But i look at the benefits to me personally....panic attacks make me feel like i am dying, literally, during them. Part of what freaks me out even further in those moments is knowing i'm not very healthy, so i very well could be. Having my health back would mean knowing that it is indeed just a panic attack. Or better yet...panic attacks and my bouts of night-anxiety could disappear all together. Yes please. It would remedy my life-long battle with my weight, which i am quite sick of really. Yes please. Raw foodists almost never get sick. Yes please. Energy through the roof. Umm...after my battles with fatigue, there is nothing i could want more. You get my drift, right? I thought about not telling people about my decision because then they feel like they need to weigh in on the matter...such as trying to tell me why i'm wrong or extreme. Well tell that to my intestines that no longer tolerate wheat, grains, dairy or even meats anymore. I'm sick of feeling sick, thank you. Or they may feel the need to say something if they see me eat something cooked ("hey, i thought you were raw now"). Well the thing is, i'm not looking to go 100% raw. i don't believe i should completely cut out all meats or grains or cooked veggies. But i am looking at 80% or more...thats my goal. that basically means that just 2 or 3 times a week i would eat something cooked. It also allows for social situations so i don't have to be that weird girl that brings her own food everywhere..even to restaurants. no thanks. Now this is a lifestyle change, a pretty intense one at that, so i'm assuming it will take me some time to really transition into it. But i suspect that what lays ahead is well worth it. And i can't wait.

Goodbye Caffeine (again)

Well things around here have been interesting. Last night included a trip to the emergency room for a very enlarged and VERY painful gland under my arm. I just couldn't take it anymore. To spare you all of the details, i will just say that when they cut into it, it didn't turn out to be what they thought. In fact, they don't know what it is. Meanwhile, now i have two holes in my armpit with a bunch of gauze stuffed up there and can barely move my arm. good times.  They decided to just put me on antibiotics and painkillers until they can find out exactly what's going on. I know an opportunity when i see it. what is it you may ask? The opportunity to cut off my caffeine supply while i'm taking the good stuff for my arm. No headaches here thank you. I figure in a day or two when i stop taking the pain meds i'll have been through the worst of the withdrawal. This is what i would like to call a "two-fer". see? opportunity.

The Pursuit of Happiness

There's a paragraph in a book i read that i just have to share, right now while i'm thinking about it. The author was sharing her thoughts during a quest to find balance in her life. Its especially important to me given my dwellings upon my personal happiness lately. I also like how it can also relate to the gospel...although to me, happiness and the gospel are the almost the same thing. Enjoy.

"People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works.  Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.  You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.  You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings.  And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.  If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment.  It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

~Elizabeth Gilbert ~    Eat, Pray, Love

I Can't Think of a Title

Here i sit, reading a book and being unable to concentrate because i just feel so frustrated. I am literally consumed today by thoughts about my store and how i can make it perform better, how i can hit my numbers until i work myself into a tizzy....and then i realize...this is the struggle. The struggle between having my job be just a piece of me or something i do and allowing it to be all of me.  And then i pull myself back. Back into that space where I am actively trying to shed bad habits and bring on new (well not new, just forgotten) more enriching ones. Back to the place where my job is just a small part of my life, not who I am as a whole.  I've been trying to learn the art of meditation in a form that works for me. My counselor agrees that this would be a wise practice for me to learn given my tendency to be stressed and anxious and obsessive.  He also suggested that maybe it would work well for me to place it right before my scripture studies to help me relax and focus, allowing me to experience true joy and peace in my every day.  So that is what i will try. I will say my experiment is going well...i have spent more concentrated time reading and studying and writing and much much less time zombied out on my couch. I feel like my overall mood and outlook has improved, but everyday i have to keep choosing it. But you know, the struggle of choosing it and bringing myself back is what is making it so fulfilling at the same time. Sure, its hard. But what part of life isn't? It's kind of the point, is it not? The confidence that comes from knowing i am the master of my own mind is well worth the journey.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do (a short story)

Especially when you operate in a customer service world and that person you are breaking up with happens to be a customer. This marks the second customer i've had to break up with. Trust me, the conversations aren't easy. In fact, the first time i had to do it was about 2 months ago. These customers were true regulars...ordering almost once a week.  The problem? They loved everything well done. okay, so that's not really the problem. The problem was that they (and by they i mean the wife) wanted a certain amount of well-doneness. Not a smidge too little or too much. This can be hard to do during a friday night dinner rush (when they happened to order most) when your oven is a conveyor oven and its jammed packed with food for all of our other customers. At those times its not easy to make room to keep pushing the pizzas back..oh it wasn't quite well enough so i push it back a second time....crap its still not quite right. maybe if i move this cheesybread over here and take this pizza out and move these wings i can find room to push it back a third time...crap stuff is gonna fall out of my oven if i don't quit messing with this one pizza and start boxing some of these...you get my drift, right? Just for the record, i will do most reasonable requests for any customer. i enjoy my customers (especially regulars) and like making them happy. Love it even. But Sharon (*name has been changed*) would always call back and talk to me like we've never had this same conversation before, or that we had never met. And the convo would start out with her saying something like this.. "i just don't understand why you can't get the concept of well done. Some weeks its great, and about every other time its just the crappiest food i've ever eaten because it isn't well done when i clearly asked for well done." One time, i burned the pizzas (kind of) just to see what she said, since they were never done enough. yeah, she wasn't a fan of that either. sigh. So what do i do? I have to give them their money back or make them new food. That is our policy and one i never mind doing for my customers if they are unsatisfied (luckily 95% of my customers frickin' rock, excluding certain college kids of course, so this doesn't happen too often).  Well, one night i had had enough. I received the call from Sharon, she again acted like this is the first time we've ever spoken about this topic, she wanted her money back (because she KNOWS our policy, believe me) so she was sending her husband up there to pick it up. I just want to say, for all of Sharon's craziness, her husband is awesome. Totally laid back, very sweet and always smiling. He even rolls his eyes when Sharon is putting on her show about her food. But i was done with her. I figured out i had refunded her money or given them free food like 22 times. We are a business people, we do need to make money or nobody will get pizzas. And its gotten to the point that when they walk through my door i say to myself..crap, i'm gonna lose money...ugh. So in comes her husband, all smiley and nice, and i politely gave him the money and asked to speak to him outside. I won't go through the whole conversation, but it started out like this...
Me: So, it just seems like we can never quite get the order right for you guys
Him: Well, you know how Sharon is...she just believes that if she is paying money for food she deserves to have it exactly the way she wants it. She's very particular.
Me: I totally understand, and i agree that she should get what she pays for and wants. But we can't seem to be able to do that for her despite our trying, and while i love my customers and especially regulars like you, i have to wonder if maybe another pizza place would be a better fit.
Him: This sounds kind of like a break up talk
Me: Yeah that's kind of what it is.

At this point he just kind of shook his head, then (and i was not expecting this at all) he launched into a vent session about his wife and how she does this at every restaurant they frequent and he is always trying to get her to mellow out but she's just so particular about some things and gosh every manager must hate them and fear them when they walk in the door and ...big breath in... he's been putting up with this for 9 years and he's just so sorry and can they please keep ordering food from me because they just love Domino's and they really like me as the manager and i'm always just so nice and patient with them and...

yeah. i avoided punctuation so you would get the gist of how he was just airing it all out. At one point i wondered if he was gonna turn all smurf-like from lack of oxygen. He begged and pleaded..literally...for me to reconsider. I told him that i would be happy to serve them, but if (and only if) they dealt directly with me. Meaning i would do their order start to finish, starting with the phone call. They had to ask for me directly..that was my condition.

The customer today reminded me of that first experience. Maybe being the General Manager of a quick service restaurant is starting to harden me in the business world. i don't know. But i do know that as she complained about everybody involved in her order two weeks ago..with the main complaint being the way my driver knocked on her door in the MOST unprofessional way (yes, you read that right) and accusing my assistant of being ignorant and stupid, that i didn't let it get to me. When i asked her what we could do to be better since we've messed up the last 5 times she ordered, she literally snarled at me and said "how do you know that, why would i remember how you messed up those times". I explained to her that i could see by her order history we had to free out every order over the past 7 months, so it was obvious to be we were doing something wrong, and that i just wanted to know how to fix it so we could better serve her. I guess she felt trapped in her lie (yes, i am accusing her of being a scammer. i've done this a long time people) so she told me i was unprofessional (i learned that this is her most favorite word) and uneducated and that she would be calling my boss to inquire why he would allow someone like me to operate part of his business. Well that went about like i expected it to. I am sure that if you found out the places she is a frequent customer at, she is a problem everywhere. The part that confused me was that she got so mad right off the bat. And i have 2 witnesses that will tell you i was being very polite AND quite professional, thank you.

I guess my question is...at what point is it no longer beneficial to your business to have someone as your customer?  I give people the benefit of the doubt the first several times. But that's why i document this stuff, to protect my store and the morale of my customers and employees. I certainly hope this is the last time i ever have to do something like this...but with the economy in the shape its in and people trying to pinch pennies everywhere they can, we're seeing it more and more. Many people are trying to cut corners and costs anyway they can, and unfortunately this sometimes includes taking it out on businesses to get something for free. I feel for them, i really do. But this is a business. We are here to serve our customers AND make money. Is that too much to ask?