Finding Joy part 2...with a little enlightenment on the side...

So since i last posted i've been trying to find little pieces of joy in my days.  Yesterday? spending time with my sister and her kids.  Somewhere along the way this past year i started spending time every week at Laura's house and i'm loving the friendship and love i feel when i'm there with her and her family.  Tonight i found joy in an unexpected place... i got a call from a customer who wanted to have pizza delivered to baptist hospital.  She was so very sweet and had such a happy tone that it immediately put me in a better mood.  She instructed me to have it delivered to the nurses station near her room.  We got to chatting a little and she explained that the nursing staff had been so wonderful to her during her stay that she wanted to thank them by ordering them some surprise pizzas before they went on break.  I've been doing this a long time, and i've never seen a patient order food for the nurses out of gratitude.  i was so touched by this that i threw in a free order of cinnastix as a dessert for them.  Just being a bystander to someone else's attitude of gratitude during a trying time (it was in the rehabilitation wing of the hospital) brought joy to my soul.  I was also thinking today about how unbalanced i feel in my life.  For the past three weeks i have been feeling like i've been stuck inside a time vortex that has me certain i've sold my soul to the pizza devil.  I need to make changes, which i've been saying for a long time but haven't yet acted upon (well i have in very small ways, but not any that are making huge differences).  I hate that i've become someone who is all talk and no action.  I realized that i can't (and don't necessarily want to) change my job right this moment because the reality is i would just end up in some other job that i lose myself in until i become unbalanced. Its kind of a habit i have.  But, what i CAN change is both my attitude at work and how i spend my time away from work.  So i've decided to start a little 30 day experiment.  I need more enlightment, joy, fullfillment and spirituality in my life.  I want to feel balanced.  How do i spend my time at home usually? Parked on my couch watching tv while spending hours in front of my laptop.  Granted i tend to do this in the wee hours of the morning when i have nothing else to do, but still i could be reading, writing, playing music, etc....I'm willing to bet that if i add a little creative discipline in the form of time management to my every day, i would find a ton more time that i can spend filling myself up with good and happy things. How will i do this? For the next 30 days, i WILL (please someone, hold me to this):
1. Limit TV to one hour per day OR one movie, but not both
2. spend 30 minutes minimum in the scriptures
3. spend 30 minutes minimum walking OUTSIDE. I live in a beautiful section of town with tons of sidewalks, so no excuses.
4.  Make a solid and sincere effort to get 7 hours of sleep. 8 has always been too much for me, but 7 to 7.5 is almost perfect. I must do what it takes to get proper rest, because most of my panic attacks happen due to lack of rest.
5. During any other free time, instead of TV or computer i will spend time reading books i've been meaning to get to, writing, practicing my guitar, finding ways to serve others, or visiting friends and family.

My plan is to see how doing this for 30 days impacts my attitude about my life and how i feel emotionally, physically and spiritually. I realize this may seem very "structured" for me (and i kind of buck the whole structure thing) but i really think its what i need to create new, productive habits to get me out of my current whirlpool of whatever. Plus, moderation has never really been my style when it comes to change....all or nothing baby.

Finding Joy

Today turned out to be a little bit of a tear-jerker. But in a good way, if that makes sense.  Today was supposed to be a day off for me but, and really no surprise here, i had to work.  My store has been experiencing the black plague of car troubles over the last month , so i was 2 drivers down and ended up going in to drive for 10 hours. I wasn't thrilled about the situation...mainly because it was mother's day and i wanted to see my mom, and also because i haven't had a day off in almost 3 weeks and i'm tired and still trying to fight off being sick. Sooooo, to make myself in a better mood and enjoy my driving shift (which i actually love when i get to do by the way), i listened to instrumental music, a wonderful talk on CD by Richard G. Moore called "Magnifying Your Spirituality", and was extra sweet to all of my customers when i delivered to them.  At one point i was on my way back to the store when i noticed a girl (somewhere in her 20's i'd say) walking down the street.  She was still a little ahead of me as i waited at a 4 way stop.  i saw her playfully jump up onto the curb as she crossed over it...almost as if she was floating. Then, as she walked past a row of bushes and trees, she stuck her hand out and lightly brushed them as she walked past.  Watching those small and seemingly meaningless actions radiated pure joy to me.  I was witnessing someone being happy and enjoying the world around her. And i just started to cry.  Not because i was sad, but because watching someone have a small bit of joy in the moment was so beautiful.  She had no idea who was watching, but i learned something from her today.  I want more joy in my everyday life.  How many beautiful things do i miss out on because i'm just too busy to stop and notice it?  Wanna know one of my goals this week? to find something every single day...no matter how small....that brings me joy. And when i find that thing i will stop and allow myself to experience the beauty of it. Wanna join me?

I Promise I'm Alive

Wow its been awhile i guess. I've thought about writing a ton of times...but i'm usually at work or driving or some  other random location where i don't really have time or access.  By the time i get home i give way to a zombie-like state where i remain until i finally force myself to go to sleep.  Oh i've had plenty to write about...the adventures of my job (never-ending stories right there) or all the lovely time i"ve been spending with my sister and her kiddos (i say "all" as if its a lot...but its not really. hopefully they don't get sick of me any time soon). Or i could complain about how my body feels like its attacking me more often than not with all the weird pain and fatigue issues...or the fact i don't sleep much. But I figure that's a boring subject anyway and nobody really wants to hear about my altercations with my body. I would like to say, however, that i feel good changes coming. I mean within myself.  I've recently started going to counseling and I LOVE IT.  My first experience with a counselor, about a year after being robbed, wasn't what i was really hoping for.  It took her about 5 minutes in to the conversation to diagnose me with post traumatic stress disorder, so i think she was just trying to be gentle and therefore did A LOT of listening and not much else.  I enjoyed it, i did, but it wasn't really what i needed. What she didn't realize about me was that i am very self-aware and analytical and i want direction. Let's get in there and get down to the nitty-gritty. She was sweet as can be but just not the best fit for me personally.  Fast forward two years and now i'm trying it again. This guy...he gives it to me straight. He's not afraid to call me a control freak (which he did, by the way) or challenge me by saying "so what if you are a failure, what then?"...and i love it.  Because that's what i've wanted...someone who will tell it to me like it is but in a loving way.  I feel inspired, for the first time in 3 years probably, to really move out of my "safe zone" and to stop hiding. I feel clarity on my issues and why i allow them to exist.  So here's to being me, with all my strengths AND weaknesses (i'm even trying to embrace my neurotic/obsessive side for the first time ever instead of pretending it doesn't exist....although all of you who know me know its part of who i am)...and here's to being excited for what comes next.

"One-eyed Jilly" (not to be confused with one-eyed willy from Goonies)

Yes, that's me with an eye patch. Sooo....what we have here is one of those eye infections i get due to allergies.  Those of you who have known me long enough have probably seen me struggle with these.  I decided to wear an eye patch at work so it would stay closed and thus be able to heal...and to keep it free from cornmeal or other random debris.  It also allowed me to keep my fingers out of it and from being otherwise "eye obsessed" (that was for you stacey).  I have to say, i definitely take for granted the ability to see out of both eyes.  Here are a few lessons i learned while being half blind:

1.  No depth perception.  Here is a list of things i ran into today (much to the amusement of my employees, who for some strange reason kept cracking pirate jokes)...the oven, any and all door frames, the coke cooler,   stacks of dough trays, various employees (thanks for being understanding guys).  I also really struggled with taking orders on the touch screen, as it was usually either closer or farther away than i thought. I went to grab for a pizza screen and instead of quickly getting it like normal, my whole hand went through the rack and knocked half of them off. whoops.

2.  Peripheral Vision is highly important.  Since I could not see on my left side, anything to my left was unsafe. I would usually forget about that until it was too late. For instance, i would turn to the left by the oven and scrape the crap out of my arm on some screws.  Or i would turn to the left and knee an unsuspecting driver in the head who was trying to get something on the bottom rack (still sorry about that, Jon).

3. When you take off an eye patch and open an eye that hasn't been in use for a few hours.....you feel kinda wonky.  It was amazing to notice the reaction of the eye i had been using solely when i finally opened the covered eye.  I think hallucinations almost happened.

4.  Your body will compensate.  Towards the end of the night, i noticed the muscles in the right side of my body were sore, tense and tired and crampy.  I had been using my right eye only.  I noticed that once i took the patch off for good, it eventually subsided.  I guess my right side was compensating for the feeling of imbalance on the left. interesting.

Anyway, while this is probably only interesting to me, i just thought i'd share my lessons learned. Oh, and i also learned that you take on quite a few more nicknames than normal....

Ramblings from the mind of Jill

I just wanna know….how do you get over burn out? I know other people experience it too…whether it be in their jobs or in their home lives. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job. I won’t lie to you and say its easy, because its not….not when my goals are to take the store higher and make it better. But lately I just feel like all of the wind has been let out of my sails. I guess I mostly feel that the problem really lies within me. That maybe if I can find balance and peace within myself then I will have more to give to my job and in service to others. I know I need to spend more time in scripture study and in prayer. The relationship I have with my Heavenly Father and my Savior are important to me. Unfortunately, I haven’t spent as much time there lately and I’m definitely feeling the totality of that. There are also a few words and key areas that bring balance and fulfillment to my life. My essential self is characterized by three words…three words that are the summation of what makes me me. Trusting, Passionate, Self-expressed. A life coach once told me that as long as I was being true to these three things, and found evidence of them in my life, that I would be grounded. So I have to ask myself…am I being trusting? Am I being passionate? Am I being self-expressed? I know I am in some ways, but am I truly being true to me? There are also four ways that I relieve stress and get “filled up”. One is through physical activity. Yeah…not really doing that one right now, which is a huge problem and opens up a whole other can of worms into what’s out of whack in my life right now. One is through music. I am playing more music lately which is helping…teaching myself songs on the guitar or writing them completely from scratch. But I’ve been suspecting lately that what I really want, what I really need is for my hands to be on a piano more regularly. Those of you who have known me for a while know that this is an important part of who I am. I spent so many years practicing and playing the piano that without it I feel like something is missing. And for the past several years I haven’t been playing hardly at all. The third area is through spending time in the outdoors. I LOVE being outside…in the mountains, at the beach, in a park…it really makes no difference. If there is water around, then its that much better. Being outside reminds me that a loving God created this beautiful world. Kind of hard to do in the winter but you get my drift. And last, but certainly not least, is the fourth grounding factor. Quality time with family and friends. Since “quality time” is my primary love language, this one is very important to me. And is really the only one that is getting adequate play time right now. On days off I often go to my sister’s house and hang out all day. Just being in their space makes me feel so much joy. I need to see my parents more (sorry mom), so that is an area I need to focus on, because I love my parents and enjoy their company. And I also spend a lot of time with some good friends and my brother. So things, for the first time in a while, are doing okay in that area. I guess what comes next is action. Since I know what needs to be done, all that’s left to do is to do it, right? Too bad that’s the hard part. I can be self-aware all day long, but action? Yeesh.

House of Bricks

I wrote this several years ago and some of you may have read it because i posted it a while back. But i've been thinking about the Atonement lately and how grateful i am that i have a Savior that can pick up my pieces....

  House of Bricks

A house of bricks with four strong walls

to outside elements won't fall

It takes a special kind of wind

to dispense doom and bring its end.

With inside pieces flying 'round

Those sturdy walls come crashing down

And in one final deafning sound

All is still upon that ground.

But mostly one would always find

atleast small parts of house that rise

From heaps of rubble upward bound

to be rebuilt once they are found.

A skillful carpenter can fix

this humble house of crumbled bricks

And with his healing hands he works

to build it stronger than at first.

And in no time it seems it stands

a masterpiece of careful hands

A witness to the neighbors there

The power of His redeeming care.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about how i view myself and its effect on how i show up to others. Or how it affects really every aspect of my life. I realize that i've been giving myself so much negative self-talk for a while now that its really no wonder i've been struggling with almost a crippling disappointment in myself. I know i can't change how i've done things, and most of it i wouldn't even if i could. But sometimes i hold myself to such high expectations that i set myself up for failure. I've made some mistakes, some outright bad decisions, and not followed through on things i really wanted to do for myself. But i've also had successes, celebrations, and some fun along the way. The reality is, i do have all of this stuff i want to do, changes i need to make...but i just feel kind of stuck. I've been stuck for some time now and i don't even know what's keeping me from moving forwards towards my personal goals for my life. Tonight i was sitting and thinking about my disappointments in myself, and i thought of a word, a key to what could possibly unstick me....forgiveness. Often times we think of forgiveness as something we give to someone outside of ourselves. But just as important as that is the ability to forgive ourselves. Sure, i'd like to be further ahead in my life goals and ambitions than where i currently dwell. But i realize that i beat myself up so much for falling short that i actually hinder myself from being able to get there. Its like i've created a fear of success within my soul. And i need to forgive myself for those mistakes, bad decisions, and goals i haven't yet hit. I need to forgive myself for beating me up constantly. Because if i can forgive myself for my sometimes impossible standards, i just might create the freedom and space to move forward.

Jar of Hearts

I heard this song today and fell in love with it. Maybe because it speaks to me about several different subjects in my life. the video is a little weird, but i forgive her.

Glory

Sickened by such lonesome thoughts

I stand still on my ground

The havoc that this weight has wrought

Awakens every sound

The crying in the blackest night

The shout of joy and peace

Soothing songs when done what's right

When faith's strength has increased

The echo of my hollow voice

Against blank walls and stares

Reflects again my own true choice

Though some no longer care

And I with my new found glory here

Stand proudly and content

Pushed aside both pain and fear

My soul no longer rent

Put Your Trust Where It Belongs

I was at dinner tonight with my dear friend Amy and we had a conversation about being single in the church and how isolating it can feel at times.  We all know the stereotype about how those in the LDS church get married young and have lots of babies.  While it is just a stereotype, its one that seems to be true.  Now just to be clear, i'm not knocking those who do get married young and start a family.  But for those of us who (gasp) push 30 and older and are not yet married, there is a certain amount of pressure.  We no doubt do it to ourselves, as it is not in the gospel way to expect us to marry the wrong person just because we feel we need to be married. Nevertheless, the pressure does exist, even if it's in our own minds.  The question was posed to me "don't you just wish you were married already and starting a family?"  Well, a part of me says yes...that part that longs to find my partner in life (or crime, however you want to look at it ;) And a whole other part of me says no.  I say that because i feel like my life has happened exactly as it should, with all of its obstacles and road bumbs and celebrations.  Is it always easy? definitely not, not even close.  But had i been married already i wouldn't have experienced some of the growth in the same way...the way i feel was meant for me.  We are all different people, with our own set of strengths and weaknesses.  It takes different experiences for each of us to cause the growth that will help us become the best version of ourselves.  Sure i hope that someday i will find someone who will complete me and be my best friend and companion through life and eternity.  But i also refuse to wait to live my life until that day comes.  My life is happening right now.  I get to choose to be happy right now.  I do feel lonely sometimes, but i also know that if i live my life the best i can and be open to love, that my loving Heavenly Father that blesses me with all things will also bless me with someone who loves me.  Therefore, i'll keep moving forward and put my trust where it belongs.