No Name Face

I came across this song i wrote in one of my journals earlier today.  i have about 5 different journals that i write in whenever i feel like it and occasionally i go through them just to read what i've written.  i remember writing this during my stay in maryland (despite what i'm about to tell you i had a blast that year, by the way).  For those who don't know, i had some hard rounds with a nemesis called depression during that year.  I couldn't have been in a better place while going through that because of support offered by a great friend, but i awoke one morning with these words playing through my head.  I only had the first verse and the chorus, so hopefully one day i'll come up with the rest....and if only i could make the music i hear in my head transpose itself into my fingers....

"No Name Face"


A new day dawns
The curtains drawn
A million things that were left unsaid the day before
A single tear
No ears to hear
Then comes that old familiar knocking at my door

And its you
With the no name face
You're out of place
And still you keep on comin' round
Its too soon
To come back now
Don't you remember how
You left my heart in pieces on the ground

Changes

Some changes need to be made... i've been in a huge inquiry about me and my life for some time now. I've really struggled the last couple of years within myself about the difference between where i am and where i want to be. Often the distance seems so great that i become overwhelmed and discouraged. As I was pondering tonight about how i'm currently living my life and who i'm being, i realized something that i think i've known but haven't clearly identified...i'm not living my life, i'm surviving it. Somewhere along the way in these past few years i lost my ability to fully live and create my world and be responsible for it. Instead i've been wrapped up in being "too busy". Too busy to get appropriate amounts of rest, too busy to be physically active, too busy to fuel my body in healthy ways, too busy to have a social life, too busy to be as involved in church activities as i'd like to be. Too busy to serve. And all of this busy-ness has caused me to become incredibly unbalanced in my life. Yes, my job is all-consuming most of the time. Yes, sometimes that means i don't get enough sleep. I've had to work sundays, and i work most nights so it really hinders spending time with friends almost at all. But the real reality is i don't manage my time well. I do work alot of hours, but i still have plenty of time that i waste doing, well, nothing. or nothing that really matters anyway. When i do the math after taking out my average of 60 hours of work a week and allotting myself an average of 7 hours sleep a night (which i almost never get, but here's to hoping), i'm left with 7.5 hours a day. I think about that 7.5 hours and i honestly can't tell you what i do during that time. Sure, some of it is spent eating, showering, running errands....but what else do i do? nothing. while doing nothing is necessary sometimes and probably best for me to have a little bit each day, i waste too much life sitting on my couch or on my laptop or....i don't really know what. And i just feel done. Done hiding, done sitting, done being a survivor of my life and not the creator of it. Done sabotaging myself for the sake of self-destruction. Who i am being at this stage of my life is not who i am. Who i really am is strong, loving, commited to living a life of passion and self-expression and creativity. Who i am is spritual, healthy and inspiring. I want to be who i feel i'm meant to be in this world. I have no idea how to shed my survival skin and start living again, but i know it can be done. And i promise you i will figure it out....

Thankful

This may be a day late, but i do things on my own time anyway :). I was at work today and thinking about how grateful i am for the relationships i have with my family. Like any family, we have our issues...but we really enjoy being together. I love my parents, and they love me. I'm grateful for the close friendships i have with my siblings. They truly are my best friends, and i know that it is rare these days. i'm thankful for my trials and tests i go through in my life. While i'm glad i don't keep score of how well i get through them (i'm sure the scoreboard would read Jill: 2 Trials: 20), its in the struggle that i truly grow as a person and gain the experience i need to be the best Jill i can be. And to be honest, the part of me that seems to be addicted to suffering really enjoys the struggle in some weird, twisted way. Don't judge me. I'm also thankful for the wonderful friends i have and have had in the past... for the love i got from them and the good times we've had. i'm so incredibly thankful for the Atonement and the healing power that comes from knowing i can be cleansed from my mistakes in life and strive to be better with a clean slate. I feel lucky for the life i've had and look forward to the years to come.

Stories Untold (revisited because its true)

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Poor Me (a song)

This is actually a song i wrote sometime within the past two years.  I don't know why i'm sharing it except i've been singing it in my head all day.  And mom, seriously don't worry about me because of the lyrics, k? They have multiple meanings....

a hurt that never ends, entangled in my heart
a longing to be cleansed, to get another start
but i cannot see that light and i'm drowning in the dark
i'll admit i'm falling all apart
paralyzed by emotions, a commotion
binding me...it won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"

it feels cold inside my soul, everytime i breathe
my walls are caving in, and its suffocating me
i need a remedy, or am i asking for too much
and it feels just close enough to touch
paralyzed by the one thing that can save me
but numb devotions won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"
poor me.

Musical Musings

I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight.  Well, lets be honest...i'm always in a musical mood.  But i'd like to write about it.  I finally got my living room/kitchen situated in my apartment and am just hanging out on the couch.  I won't lie, i had to close my bedroom door so i could shut out the disaster going on in there, but i digress...

So, just in case any of you care (and maybe you don't, but that won't stop me) this is my playlist for the night.  I would suggest you check these lovely tunes out. now.

"Unfold" by Marie Digby
"By & By" by  Brett Dennen
"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne
" #41" by Dave Matthews Band
"Feelin' the Same Way" by Norah Jones
"Sway" by the Kooks
"I Like What You Say" by Nada Surf
"O Valencia!" by The Decembers
"London Still (Live)" by The Waifs
"Lullaby" by Alana Davis
"1 2 3 4" by Feist
"Let It Be Me" by Ray LaMontagne
"Freedom Hangs Like Heaven" by Iron & Wine
"Oxygen" by Colbie Caillat
"Heart in a Cage" by The Strokes (this one has a word or two of language, not much but just warning you)


Well this isn't all, but its sums up some of it.  Seriously good music that i just feel like sharing in case you feel the need to expand your musical palette.

What a Time It's Been....

I do most of my reflecting in the middle of the night.  Sure, i should probably be doing something more productive such as sleeping, but the truth is its really the only time of my day where i can just be in my own quiet space without interruption.  So next time any of you find yourselves perplexed as to why i stay up until 5 in the morning even though i get home by 2....its because its "jill time".  Anyway, tonight i was performing my nightly ritual of sitting under my warm covers while playing on my laptop and i realized that exactly one year ago i was in the midst of driving cross country with my sister...(great time, by the way).  So much happens in one year, and things don't always go as planned.  Even just the range of emotions one experiences in a year's time is amazing.  This year i experienced excitement, fear, homelessness (just for a week mind you), joy, sleep deprivation, adventure, love, heartbreak and profound understanding just to name a few.  Its been a year of significant growth  and incredible hard work for me.  Some of it has been gut wrenchingly hard, and some of it has been fantastically fun.  Through it all i've realized the deep gratitude i have for a Heavenly Father who knows more than i do.  I had no idea a year ago that i would be back in NC right now.  I had no idea that the hard work and long hours i pulled this past year between work and school would help me in my job now.  I had no idea how much i would learn at LDS Business College and what it would mean for my understanding of business and how to be successful.  And the spiritual/emotional journey has been priceless.  Some days i'm wiped out and all i truly wish for is to be independently wealthy so i can go explore the globe, but despite my desires to become escape to new adventures, i know deep down that everything works together for my good....especially when its hard.  I need the hard moments because its the only way i can truly appreciate the easy ones.  I need them because its the only way i can push and stretch myself to be able to get where only the Lord can see me being.  In the span of my life, whats a few months of sleep deprivation while riding a topsy turvy learning curve?  Eventually the dust settles, i brush my self off and buckle up for the next ride-of-a-lifetime.

um...

Farewell Utah....

So i thought about writing this several times over the last week but just never got around to it.  I drove out of Salt  Lake on tuesday and arrived in NC on thursday night.  The drive was actually pretty great.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be by myself, but i gave myself three days to do it so i wouldn't be pushing myself to hard.  The first night i stopped in Nebraska in some old hotel.  The guy behind the desk was an older man from India who lectured me for 40 minutes on the downfall of the american economy. I just wanted my room key.  The second night i stayed in Edwardsville, IL with the Bowermans.  It was nice to visit with Lisa, Rich and Sarah and get a good nights sleep.  The last day i began to feel a little tired but drove into winston before it got too late.  I was blessed with good weather and an uneventful trip...which for those of you who know me know how great that is.   I've had some mixed feelings all this time about my move.  I know its what i need to do, what the Lord wants for me at this stage in my life.  But there is also a sadness for leaving Utah even though i didn't really like it that much.  I'm sad to leave my brother, katie and my cute as a button claire-bear.  I'm sad to leave a few of my friends.  And a part of me is weirded out to be back in winston-salem for the first time in several years where i'm actually going to stay for a while instead of move somewhere else.  I am, however, eager to keep moving forward in my life goals...and i'm excited to be close to my family (especially my little Bells) and loved ones again.  Who knows what happens next.....