Thankful

This may be a day late, but i do things on my own time anyway :). I was at work today and thinking about how grateful i am for the relationships i have with my family. Like any family, we have our issues...but we really enjoy being together. I love my parents, and they love me. I'm grateful for the close friendships i have with my siblings. They truly are my best friends, and i know that it is rare these days. i'm thankful for my trials and tests i go through in my life. While i'm glad i don't keep score of how well i get through them (i'm sure the scoreboard would read Jill: 2 Trials: 20), its in the struggle that i truly grow as a person and gain the experience i need to be the best Jill i can be. And to be honest, the part of me that seems to be addicted to suffering really enjoys the struggle in some weird, twisted way. Don't judge me. I'm also thankful for the wonderful friends i have and have had in the past... for the love i got from them and the good times we've had. i'm so incredibly thankful for the Atonement and the healing power that comes from knowing i can be cleansed from my mistakes in life and strive to be better with a clean slate. I feel lucky for the life i've had and look forward to the years to come.

Stories Untold (revisited because its true)

its funny the stories we tell ourselves.  its like somewhere along the line somebody or something gives us some cheesy line about who we are or who we're not and we believe them.  The interesting thing is, we often don't become aware of it until we're older and taking a good look at things in our lives and saying "what the crap?...why didn't such and such work out...or, why did such and such happen?"  Some of us operate on the story that we're unlovable and will never find someone to love us.  Some of us read the story over and over again that we can never find a way to be fulfilled and happy because that only happens in fairytales.  We aren't good enough, we don't deserve this or that, blah blah blah blah blah.  How about creating a new story?  Seeing as how every story has to be written by somebody, why not you?  Here's the deal.....you are whoever you say you are.  you can do whatever it is that makes you want to be the best jack or jill or bob that you can be.  Happiness is real, people.  Don't let anyone tell you different.

Poor Me (a song)

This is actually a song i wrote sometime within the past two years.  I don't know why i'm sharing it except i've been singing it in my head all day.  And mom, seriously don't worry about me because of the lyrics, k? They have multiple meanings....

a hurt that never ends, entangled in my heart
a longing to be cleansed, to get another start
but i cannot see that light and i'm drowning in the dark
i'll admit i'm falling all apart
paralyzed by emotions, a commotion
binding me...it won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"

it feels cold inside my soul, everytime i breathe
my walls are caving in, and its suffocating me
i need a remedy, or am i asking for too much
and it feels just close enough to touch
paralyzed by the one thing that can save me
but numb devotions won't allow me to be free
do i want vengeance or redemption, crawling underneath my skin
am i burning my religion, while my inside demons tend
do i wander, when its not right
plagued by fear and doubt the light
when the only thing i see is "poor me"
poor me.

Musical Musings

I'm in a musical kinda mood tonight.  Well, lets be honest...i'm always in a musical mood.  But i'd like to write about it.  I finally got my living room/kitchen situated in my apartment and am just hanging out on the couch.  I won't lie, i had to close my bedroom door so i could shut out the disaster going on in there, but i digress...

So, just in case any of you care (and maybe you don't, but that won't stop me) this is my playlist for the night.  I would suggest you check these lovely tunes out. now.

"Unfold" by Marie Digby
"By & By" by  Brett Dennen
"Empty" by Ray LaMontagne
" #41" by Dave Matthews Band
"Feelin' the Same Way" by Norah Jones
"Sway" by the Kooks
"I Like What You Say" by Nada Surf
"O Valencia!" by The Decembers
"London Still (Live)" by The Waifs
"Lullaby" by Alana Davis
"1 2 3 4" by Feist
"Let It Be Me" by Ray LaMontagne
"Freedom Hangs Like Heaven" by Iron & Wine
"Oxygen" by Colbie Caillat
"Heart in a Cage" by The Strokes (this one has a word or two of language, not much but just warning you)


Well this isn't all, but its sums up some of it.  Seriously good music that i just feel like sharing in case you feel the need to expand your musical palette.

What a Time It's Been....

I do most of my reflecting in the middle of the night.  Sure, i should probably be doing something more productive such as sleeping, but the truth is its really the only time of my day where i can just be in my own quiet space without interruption.  So next time any of you find yourselves perplexed as to why i stay up until 5 in the morning even though i get home by 2....its because its "jill time".  Anyway, tonight i was performing my nightly ritual of sitting under my warm covers while playing on my laptop and i realized that exactly one year ago i was in the midst of driving cross country with my sister...(great time, by the way).  So much happens in one year, and things don't always go as planned.  Even just the range of emotions one experiences in a year's time is amazing.  This year i experienced excitement, fear, homelessness (just for a week mind you), joy, sleep deprivation, adventure, love, heartbreak and profound understanding just to name a few.  Its been a year of significant growth  and incredible hard work for me.  Some of it has been gut wrenchingly hard, and some of it has been fantastically fun.  Through it all i've realized the deep gratitude i have for a Heavenly Father who knows more than i do.  I had no idea a year ago that i would be back in NC right now.  I had no idea that the hard work and long hours i pulled this past year between work and school would help me in my job now.  I had no idea how much i would learn at LDS Business College and what it would mean for my understanding of business and how to be successful.  And the spiritual/emotional journey has been priceless.  Some days i'm wiped out and all i truly wish for is to be independently wealthy so i can go explore the globe, but despite my desires to become escape to new adventures, i know deep down that everything works together for my good....especially when its hard.  I need the hard moments because its the only way i can truly appreciate the easy ones.  I need them because its the only way i can push and stretch myself to be able to get where only the Lord can see me being.  In the span of my life, whats a few months of sleep deprivation while riding a topsy turvy learning curve?  Eventually the dust settles, i brush my self off and buckle up for the next ride-of-a-lifetime.

um...

Farewell Utah....

So i thought about writing this several times over the last week but just never got around to it.  I drove out of Salt  Lake on tuesday and arrived in NC on thursday night.  The drive was actually pretty great.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be by myself, but i gave myself three days to do it so i wouldn't be pushing myself to hard.  The first night i stopped in Nebraska in some old hotel.  The guy behind the desk was an older man from India who lectured me for 40 minutes on the downfall of the american economy. I just wanted my room key.  The second night i stayed in Edwardsville, IL with the Bowermans.  It was nice to visit with Lisa, Rich and Sarah and get a good nights sleep.  The last day i began to feel a little tired but drove into winston before it got too late.  I was blessed with good weather and an uneventful trip...which for those of you who know me know how great that is.   I've had some mixed feelings all this time about my move.  I know its what i need to do, what the Lord wants for me at this stage in my life.  But there is also a sadness for leaving Utah even though i didn't really like it that much.  I'm sad to leave my brother, katie and my cute as a button claire-bear.  I'm sad to leave a few of my friends.  And a part of me is weirded out to be back in winston-salem for the first time in several years where i'm actually going to stay for a while instead of move somewhere else.  I am, however, eager to keep moving forward in my life goals...and i'm excited to be close to my family (especially my little Bells) and loved ones again.  Who knows what happens next.....

My Dad

I just love this picture of my dad...every time i see it, it makes me laugh. So, naturally, I stole it from my mom's blog to share with all of you. Love you Dad!

Such a Girl

There are only a few things i dislike about being a girl.  One of those things is my emotional color wheel.  Something happens and i move from one extreme to the other until i finally settle on middle ground.  Unfortunately, sometimes i do a little demolition work in the process without warning people to wear their hard-hats.  I wish i could say its unusual behavior for me, because I am often very level headed about life.  The truth is that someone that is emotional and passionate like me is prone to these types of things. Does that make me a bad person?