What a Time It's Been....

I do most of my reflecting in the middle of the night.  Sure, i should probably be doing something more productive such as sleeping, but the truth is its really the only time of my day where i can just be in my own quiet space without interruption.  So next time any of you find yourselves perplexed as to why i stay up until 5 in the morning even though i get home by 2....its because its "jill time".  Anyway, tonight i was performing my nightly ritual of sitting under my warm covers while playing on my laptop and i realized that exactly one year ago i was in the midst of driving cross country with my sister...(great time, by the way).  So much happens in one year, and things don't always go as planned.  Even just the range of emotions one experiences in a year's time is amazing.  This year i experienced excitement, fear, homelessness (just for a week mind you), joy, sleep deprivation, adventure, love, heartbreak and profound understanding just to name a few.  Its been a year of significant growth  and incredible hard work for me.  Some of it has been gut wrenchingly hard, and some of it has been fantastically fun.  Through it all i've realized the deep gratitude i have for a Heavenly Father who knows more than i do.  I had no idea a year ago that i would be back in NC right now.  I had no idea that the hard work and long hours i pulled this past year between work and school would help me in my job now.  I had no idea how much i would learn at LDS Business College and what it would mean for my understanding of business and how to be successful.  And the spiritual/emotional journey has been priceless.  Some days i'm wiped out and all i truly wish for is to be independently wealthy so i can go explore the globe, but despite my desires to become escape to new adventures, i know deep down that everything works together for my good....especially when its hard.  I need the hard moments because its the only way i can truly appreciate the easy ones.  I need them because its the only way i can push and stretch myself to be able to get where only the Lord can see me being.  In the span of my life, whats a few months of sleep deprivation while riding a topsy turvy learning curve?  Eventually the dust settles, i brush my self off and buckle up for the next ride-of-a-lifetime.

um...

Farewell Utah....

So i thought about writing this several times over the last week but just never got around to it.  I drove out of Salt  Lake on tuesday and arrived in NC on thursday night.  The drive was actually pretty great.  I wasn't sure how it was going to be by myself, but i gave myself three days to do it so i wouldn't be pushing myself to hard.  The first night i stopped in Nebraska in some old hotel.  The guy behind the desk was an older man from India who lectured me for 40 minutes on the downfall of the american economy. I just wanted my room key.  The second night i stayed in Edwardsville, IL with the Bowermans.  It was nice to visit with Lisa, Rich and Sarah and get a good nights sleep.  The last day i began to feel a little tired but drove into winston before it got too late.  I was blessed with good weather and an uneventful trip...which for those of you who know me know how great that is.   I've had some mixed feelings all this time about my move.  I know its what i need to do, what the Lord wants for me at this stage in my life.  But there is also a sadness for leaving Utah even though i didn't really like it that much.  I'm sad to leave my brother, katie and my cute as a button claire-bear.  I'm sad to leave a few of my friends.  And a part of me is weirded out to be back in winston-salem for the first time in several years where i'm actually going to stay for a while instead of move somewhere else.  I am, however, eager to keep moving forward in my life goals...and i'm excited to be close to my family (especially my little Bells) and loved ones again.  Who knows what happens next.....

My Dad

I just love this picture of my dad...every time i see it, it makes me laugh. So, naturally, I stole it from my mom's blog to share with all of you. Love you Dad!

Such a Girl

There are only a few things i dislike about being a girl.  One of those things is my emotional color wheel.  Something happens and i move from one extreme to the other until i finally settle on middle ground.  Unfortunately, sometimes i do a little demolition work in the process without warning people to wear their hard-hats.  I wish i could say its unusual behavior for me, because I am often very level headed about life.  The truth is that someone that is emotional and passionate like me is prone to these types of things. Does that make me a bad person?

Melancholy

I've been getting frequent visits from my friend melancholy the past couple of days.  If you know me well enough, you understand that and i don't need to explain further. Have a good day.

Sorry, for this is pretty random....

Sometimes i just want to write but don't know what to write about and this is one of those days.  The weather is beautiful here in utah right now.  good tunes are playing from my speakers.  I feel pretty good physically.  I have to say, this is a welcome change from the hecticosity from the past two semesters.  The trees are blooming and i LOVE seeing the green after being stuck in a such a brown world this winter.  One thing is for sure, i do not like utah winters.  It didn't even snow here much, but what with the inversion and brown....i think i got a little depressed.  Speaking of utah, i think i'm leaving.  I'm not one hundred percent sure yet, but i feel that my time here is up for now and that i have new adventures awaiting me back east.  Not really sure what that means or where i'll be, i'm just saying how i feel as of this moment.  I'll let you all know more as i make my decisions.  I'm still registering for classes here just in case i stay.  I went and drove a toyota prius today, and almost bought it.  but i didn't.  i think i'll drive mine til it dies, because honestly my car is a good one and its fun to drive anyway.  plus i've been trying to make smarter financial moves in my life.  at this point i'm just rambling about random subjects.  you should listen to this song.  And this song.  i'm craving a road trip.  i think i'll go walk in the park......

What Makes Me Happy

You know what makes me really happy? Coming home to these beauties in the front yard.  Tulips are my favorite flowers...they literally bring joy to my soul.  Its just such a shame they only stick around for a few weeks, i would love to enjoy them all summer....

Midnight Meditations

Do you ever have those nights where you lie awake all night trying to figure out what the heck is going on with your life? Maybe its because you work so hard and suddenly feel you have nothing to show for it, or you realize you haven't followed your dream, or you realize you can't pay your bills this month....whatever your reason, i think you can agree with me that it isn't the most pleasant experience.  One of my religion professors this semester talked about how one day when we're about 50 we'll lie awake at night and take measure of our lives.  All i could think was "are you kidding me? I do that now!"  Sometimes i feel like a complete failure, almost as if its my destiny to continuously fail at life.  I suppose i will never stop reaching for success, whatever that looks like.  Maybe one day i'll wake up and see that all the failures were indeed successes in some twisted way.  I can tell you one thing, that day is not today.  Its in these moments where we feel completely broken that makes me realize why its necessary....its what keeps us humble, or more specifically me.  These moments allow the Lord to teach me that my life is not measured by what car i have or if i can pay the phone bill this month or what grade i got in my writing class.  Its in knowing that no matter what, life is always doable if I rely on Him. "Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?....for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Mathew 6: 31-33). I take comfort in this scripture because I know that whatever i'm worried about won't kill me, but even if it does I know i'll be okay.

Hope You Don't Mind a Good Ramble

I would like to make an announcement.  I just had my last excruciating thursday!!!!!  No more 10 hours at school immediately followed by 10 hours at work.  Oh how sweet will be my life now that i can have a regular sleep schedule!  Speaking of school ending, i have to admit i'm not 100% satisfied with how i finished the semester.  I don't want to make excuses for myself because I am solely responsible, however i feel that the explanation can be boiled down to one word: BURNOUT.  Total burnout. Want to go play with a friend and shirk all my responsibilities because i can't take it anymore burnout.  Don't worry, its not like i stopped going to school or anything, its just that i didn't finish as strong as i would have liked in two of my classes.  Let this be a lesson learned....I am not meant to be a workaholic.  I need playtime.  And I set myself up because i spent the last...well since i got here....only doing work and school and sleep and panic and not doing things that are good for the balance of my soul.  Do you see the key phrase? BALANCE.  On that note, I'd like to leave you with a rant.  Do you know what really annoys me every single day that i'm at school?  People don't let other people off elevators.  They wait patiently for the elevator, but when it finally opens they can't wait one more possible second to let the person trying to get off at that floor make their exit.  They just barge right in and there is this awkward standoff moment where the person trying to exit starts to feel trapped.  Seriously people.  This happens every day. several times. by different people.  It literally blows my mind.  If you wait 3 minutes for an elevator, whats another 3 seconds?  The doors aren't going to close immediately behind the other person like they do in every spy movie.  And the worst part?  Every time i witness this i have to hold my own hand to keep from snatching that person by the bookbag and pulling them back so that the poor innocent person can get off the elevator.  Grow some common sense.