Can I Get It?

So i'm working really hard on learning the services i'll be selling in my new job, but i'm still wavering when we do role plays.  ugh. in good news though, my boss says i'm one of the stronger sellers even over my team lead.  That kind of made me feel good. Lets just hope i can handle the phones.

While I'm on the Subject....

While i'm on the subject of relationships (or lack thereof), I'd like to share something i saw on my friend's facebook today.  She said "Being single is like drowning...if you just relax and let it happen it's not so bad."  I thought it was pretty funny.  I think i will use this in the future for my friends who feel discouraged that they are "too old" and not married yet.  While I, like any normal human, want someone by my side to be my companion through life's ups and downs, I don't feel the need to rush.  I figure if i can't find someone in this life who wants to be with me, i'll just wait and let Heavenly Father pick him out for me. In the meantime, i'll just drown.

Huh?

So a few days ago i had a guy that's in a few of my classes ask me "hey jill, you're married right?".....umm...no.  He was like "really? we all thought you were...you just kind of have that married air about you".  What? What exactly is the married "air"?  Does it smell a certain way?  Have any of them realized in the last two months that i never wear a ring or mention my husband when i make comments in class? I asked him why it seemed i was married and he said "well, i guess because you seem really mature or something."  Mature, huh?  Maybe its because i'm at least 5 years older than most of them.  only in utah......

If He Can Do It, I Can Too....Right?

So i was just scrolling my way through cyberspace, and i got to thinking about the constant complaining I do about my relationship with my sleep schedule.  I mean, think on this....Albert Einstein averaged 2 hours of sleep per night for a 15 year span in which time he earned 8 degrees.  Maybe that explains why everyone thought he was crazy and his hair looked like he just stepped off a tilt-a-whirl. If he can average 2 hours a night for 15 years, i can handle a measly sleep irregularity for a few semesters, right?

The Countdown Begins

You know what i think of when i see this image? Freedom...warmth....fun....adventures....did i say freedom yet?  Here's the deal.  I only have 6, count 'em, SIX weeks of school left in this semester. whew.  It still feels like a really long time, but i. am. burned. out. big time.  I put in like 75 hours a week right now between work, school and homework and i've been doing it since september. non-stop.  and i'm freakin' tired.  It hasn't been easy thats for sure.  It probably seems harder than it really is because i'm always bouncing back and forth on my sleep times.  For instance, I sleep at night on monday, go to school all day tuesday and work all tuesday night, sleep during the day wednesday, go to one class, take sleeping pills and sleep during the night wednesday, go to 10 holy cow hours of class on thursday and drive straight to work for 10 more hours there, sleep during the day friday, get up just in time to be back at work at 5pm and work all night friday and all night saturday, take a nap and get up sunday for church and then it starts all over.  is your head reeling yet? cuz mine is.  Sometimes i take on a shift sunday night too if a driving one comes up.  What my body really needs is a regular sleep pattern.  Therefore i'm glad to say that i am not taking classes this summer.  Well, its the rest thing plus the fact that i don't want to pay $200 per credit hour without financial aid.  I also decided to try and get out of my job 1) because i don't think i'm cut out for 3rd shift, 2) i really really want to get away from that good-but-not-good-for-you food, and 3) because i hate how the store is managed (or not managed you could say), i'm sick of talking to drunk people all night, and i also want to make more money in less hours.  Sounds fun, right?  And so, i have an interview tomorrow! Wish me luck!  Oh summer...i can feel you.....

Shhh....don't tell...or tell EVERYONE!!!

okay, so i have a little secret.  I've been keeping another blog.  I started it back in September just as a place to write...and then didn't do much past the first two entries.  I since have decided to chronicle my "Odyssey of Health" (as i like to call it) on that blog and use it for a method of accountability.  And so, if you feel the urge (and i hope you do) you can go here to read my story and keep up with my progress. whew....i hope i don't regret this!

Adrenaline Junkie

Well I'm not, but apparently my body is. ugh.  The worst time to have adrenaline coursing through your veins is when you are trying to go to sleep, or are already asleep (as i was... not too long ago) only to be awakened by your body in the midst of it freaking out. excellent.  While my mind is okay, i'm just waiting now for the unnecessary energy to wear off so i can go lay back down.  After all, I really don't want to sleep all day.  I would go outside and walk it off (seeing how it is light out now) but because my body temperature often drops during an attack, being even colder than i am right now is not at all appealing.  Its a good thing my roommate can't hear me down here wearing tracks in the carpet where i pace around my room on a fairly regular basis. I'm not really surprised, though.  I knew i would end up like this at some point tonight.  Let me explain, for lack of better things to do right now...

I pulled up to work around 5 p.m....i opened my car door and stuck my leg out but then remembered it was cold outside so i reached back into my passenger seat to grab a sweatshirt.  As soon as i pulled on my hoodie i turned to finish getting out of the car when suddenly i heard a loud (and surprising) "HEY" (you know the kind when people are trying to scare you, loud and fast) and there was this big guy sticking his head partly in my car.  Even though i recognized my co-worker, it took a while for it to "click".  I immediately felt that all too familiar rush of adrenaline and i just reacted.  I remember shoving him hard (apparently i pushed his head into my car door i found out later...i saw the mark) and yelling at him, probably not using the best language. About this time it finally clicked that this was my friend and i was not being attacked, so then i continued to yell at him saying things like "you know i have a panic problem, why would you even do that, what's wrong with you?" and him saying "i forgot, i forgot i'm so sorry, i forgot!"  He apparently did not appreciate the welt on his head or the yelling because suddenly he was mad at me and stormed off.  Honestly i felt bad for getting on to him like that, but here i was now trying to start my shift with a full blown panic attack going on (not my mind, just my body...its so much better when my mind is calm!) and i felt really violated.  Its hard enough having them frequently on the weekends, but its just not fair when its caused by someone else and i was doing just fine and in a good mood.  The adrenaline did come in handy as we were really busy, however, and he did come by later to apologize and give me a hug.  He promised not to do that anymore (yeah right...he's always trying to scare people).  I don't mind if you scare me a little, but don't come at me like an attacker because i won't be responsible if your head becomes acquanted with my car door again. just saying. maybe i can go lay down now....

Blast from the Past

I have no idea why i'm sharing this today.  But, nevertheless, i am.  Maybe someone will read this who needs it...or maybe that person is me.  I don't know.  I was just flipping through one of my old journals..one of my favorites actually.  It was handcrafted in some other country and my aunt betsy gave it to me one year for christmas.  It is a pretty green and covered with tiny beads that give it and interesting texture and design...and i have filled the unlined pages with my deepest thoughts.  As I was flipping through, i came across some amusing entries, ones i don't remember writing but have a profound effect on me now.  For instance, one dated June 25, 2006 reads "Today is a good day.  I forgot how it feels to just be Jill." and thats all.  I have no idea what it meant at the time, but reading it now means worlds to me after my last two years.  But thats not the entry that caught my eye.  I hope you don't mind me sharing.  Its not meant for anything other than I felt i should.  I hope someone finds something in it they need.  I realized while reading this that i haven't felt like this in some time...probably because i'm just too busy.  It is dated in September of 2006:

"Sometimes I experience a heart-breaking pain.  It is a loneliness, a feeling of no worth.  Today has been such a day.  As I flipped my scriptures open, I came to a scripture in D&C 136:31.  It stated that God tries us in all things to prepare us for the Kingdom of God and other experiences in our lives.  I think I realized that I hurt so much because I love so deeply.  If I put away the pain, then it means I would have to love less. I don't want that.  I don't think i could love less and be happy.  After all, it states in my blessing that my purpose is to love and bring others happiness and joy.  Maybe this is my glimpse (however greatly smaller) into how the Savior feels.  He loves us so much - enough to suffer like He did for each one of us personally, and yet people do not love Him back.  My appreciation for Him grows when I ponder on how He must feel. I will keep loving and look forward with an eternal perspective."

I realize that that is deeply personal.  But I want all of you to know how much I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, and want to be like Him.  I know He knows me, and loves me, and I await the day I can feel the prints in His hands and wash His feet with my tears. I leave you my testimony in His holy name, Amen.

Strange Occurance

Obviously by now most of us here know that i have been coping with a panic disorder for almost the last two years.  While it is the farthest thing from enjoyment for me, I have also been grateful for the lessons i've learned and the growth i've had while struggling with this.  I've found that recently they come on when i'm overly tired, so i usually expect them on the weekends after i've had a full week of school and work and i'm feeling drained.  Since i had only 6 hours of sleep in about a 72 hour period, its really no wonder it was rearing its ugly head last night.  I think i've stumbled on a great way for me to deal with them in the moment.  I was pulling double duty last night as both a manager and a delivery driver...i would take several deliveries, come back in the store and manage for about an hour, then hit the road again.  It was probably somewhere around 2:30a.m. when i was out driving and suddenly my mouth started to go numb.  This was the dialogue (out loud, mind you. luckily it was just  me in the car):

"Okay, mr. panic, i'm only giving you 20 seconds to do your thing and thats it. I've got better things to do with my brain space tonight, so bring it on 'cause  you don't have long. 20...19 (i was counting out loud)...18...17...seriously this is all you got?...16...15...14...you're telling me all you can pull off tonight is a measly mouth numbness?....13....12....11....really this is kinda pitiful, i mean, you've made half my body go numb before. surely you can do better than this....10....9....8...you're running out of time....7...6...5...if you're gonna bring it you better do it now....4....3...2...1. Sorry, time's up."

Jill: 1, Panic: 0.  yeah, thats what i thought punk.

Apparently talking to my panic and inviting it or even wanting it to come kept it from doing just that.  who knew.

Salty Fish Anyone?

So after 8 years of working in the pizza industry, i finally let one of my drivers talk me into trying anchovies at work tonight.  That's right, never had one. ever.  but being the sardine lover that i am (bet most of ya didn't know that one, did ya?) i thought...how different can it be?  I've heard how salty they are, so i was prepared for that...or so i thought.  I'm here to tell you....they are SAAAAALLLLTTTYYYY!!!!!!  My goodness, it literally made me gag.  Well, that and the flavor itself.  I figure my willingness to put my poor taste buds on the fishy front lines is a sign of bigger things to come.  First stop anchovies, next stop the white house.  At least i lived to tell the tail. (pun intended)